Jokes

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home. The father said, "Let's see what you have accomplished..." He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. "What do you have to say about this Johnny?" "Well dad, at least you know I'm not cheating!"

The other day I was talking to my six-year-old son, Mack. I was getting after him about his behavior. I said to him, "Mack do you know the difference between right and wrong"? He looked perplexed, so I followed "you know, like good and bad". To this he replied, "ya, like 1-800 and 1-900".

One evening as she was preparing dinner her 8-year-old son came down to the kitchen and he was crying hysterically. The loving mother bent down and said, "Honey what's wrong?" He said, "Mom, I just cleaned my room!" And she said, "Well, I'm very proud of you" "Why on earth would that make you cry?" The eight year old looked up through his tears and said, "Because I still can't find my pet snake!"

Damien was being severely scolded by his father for fighting. "Now, Damien" said his angry father, "This will not do! You must learn that you can't have everything you want in this life. There must always be give and take." "But there was Dad!" protested the aggressive youngster. "I gave him a black eye and took the apple!"

Little Jackie’s mother was on the telephone with the child’s dentist. “I don’t understand it,” she complained “I thought his treatment would only cost $20.00, but you have charged me $80.00.” “It is usually $20.00, madam,” agreed the dentist, “but Jackie yelled so loudly that three of my other patients ran away

“Do you obtain good SAT results?” asked the father of a prospective pupil. “Oh, indeed we do,” said the Principal of the expensive private school. “We guarantee satisfaction – or we return the student…”

Two kids talking: “Have you noticed, if you pass your exams everyone says you get your brains from your parents, but if you fail your exams everyone says you’re stupid.”

Two grapes go on a date. At the end of the date the boy grape took the girl grape home gave her a kiss and told her that it was their only date. She started to cry and when he asked her if she was ok. She said, "No, I'm crushed!"

One day this guy had trouble with his blinkers on his car. So another guy comes and says, "Is there a problem with your car sir", yes there is. So he says can you see if my blinkers work, sure. Then when he flicked the switch, the guy said, left, right, on, off!

A friend said to a friend "Money makes enemies, money makes worry. So being your friend I can't see you worry. So please send all your money to MY ACCOUNT.

The parents of a difficult boy were discussing what to give him for a birthday present. The mother said, “Let’s buy him a bicycle.” “Well,” said the father, “maybe – but do you think it will improve his behavior?” “Probably not,” said the mother, “but it will spread it over a wider area.”

A small boy came running downstairs, shouting, “Mom! Mom! I cleaned my room without being told!” “Well,” said the mother, “that's wonderful! Thank you very much. It will same me a lot of trouble, and it shows you are growing up.” “Yeah, but, Mom,” said the boy, “don’t jump to conclusions.” I don’t understand, dear,” said his mother. “Conclusions?” “Yeah, Mom” said the boy. “This isn’t going to become a habit.”

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed. “What’s the matter son?” asked his mother. “Aw, gee,” said the boy, “it’s my marks. They’re all wet.” “What do you mean, 'all wet'?” she asks. “I mean,” he replied, “well below C-level.”

In the name of the Lord God: One day a sergeant came back home and said to his wife: Everything has changed in the army. From now on, he added, we are free to follow the orders of our officers and we can discuss the matters with them. His wife answered: That is in the army. Here at home none of that. Get up and wash the dishes!

One day a boy asked his grandpa "grandpa make a frog sound" The grandfather asked why? The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii”

A man was speeding down the highway and a cop pulled him over and gave him a ticket after staring at it he asked, "WHEN'S THE RAFFLE?"

My wife decided to meet some of the children residing at our emergency shelter. Realizing that she was the wife of the Development Coordinator, a young child asked if we were husband and wife to which my wife said "Yes” Without missing a beat, this particular girl remarked how short I was. This sweet child's next statement said it all when she asked thoughtfully, "Wasn't he taller when he married you?"

A small girl sat in front of the television watching a news program on teenage run away. "Mommy," she asked. "Why do people run away?" The mother thought for a moment about the numerous reasons that teens run and then proceeded to try and explain in a way that her young daughter would understand. After the first few moments of explanation the small girl interrupted. "No Mommy, why do people RUN away? Do they have to run or can they walk away too?"

Two explorers, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were discussing their expedition. “I came here,” said one, “because the urge to travel was in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?” “I came,” the second man replied, “because my son was taking saxophone lessons.”

I called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room. The clerk told me that the rates depended on room size and number of people. "Do you take children?" I asked. "No, sir... nor checks!" replied the clerk. "Cash and credit only."

Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled. "There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece." "Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second. The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him." "What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!" "Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!" Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"

When a man with nine children was asked how he handled illness among his children, he said, "When the first born coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When the last one swallowed a quarter, I told him that it was coming out of his allowance!"

Customer: Waiter, Waiter, “what’s this fly doing in my soup? Waiter: “Looks like the backstroke sir”

A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of the plate.

It is truly said that children brighten a home - they never turn the lights off.

Q: What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A: A receding hairline!

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad