Jokes

The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: “Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS". The patient’s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?" Doctor: "These are to be taken by you. He needs rest"

Sardar Ji's wife was lying on her deathbed, and taking his hand lovingly in her own, she said " Sardar Ji, I want you to get married after I die, don’t mope around alone. But promise me you will not give my clothes to her. Keep them to remind you of our golden days together" " No I won't " said the sardar" in any case Kalpana is a head taller than you"

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?" The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey." The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again. "Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

Why did the woman only change her baby’s diaper once a month? On the package it read "good for up to 15 pounds"

The elderly gentleman was obviously enjoying the company of a beautiful young lady in a lively party, when his wife came up to him and said, in an unnecessarily loud voice, " Honey I hope you are not boring the poor child with anecdotes about your latest grandchild!"

The pastor preached about the beautiful kingdom of heaven and asked the congregation “how many of you would like to go to heaven from here?” everybody raised up their hands except a little lad sitting just in front of him “don't you want to go to heaven son?” he asked. “My mother seriously warned me not to go anywhere from here, but to come back home” replied the boy.

Child: Mom! Can I have a piece of your gum (Certs), please? Mom: Sweetie. This is a breath freshener gum. It might be too strong for you. Child: No it won't, Mom. See (while flexing his arm muscles), I have big muscles.

Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters, Joan says, my daughter is at the university. She’s very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary. Her neighbor says you are lucky every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank.

“Dad, the career counselor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law.” “That is wonderful, son. I’m proud of you.” “He said I had a criminal mind.”

“How are you getting on with your football, Jack?” “Well, Dad, pretty good. The coach said I was one of the team’s greatest drawbacks!”

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked. "First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged. The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..." "Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"

Two antennas's decided one day to get married. The wedding wasn't that good but the reception was great!!!

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A little boy was doing his geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, “Dad, where would I find the Andes? “Don’t ask me,” said the father. “Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room. “How on earth did you manage to do that?” he fumed. “Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”

“So”, thundered Larry’s furious father, “you’ve been expelled from college, have you? “Yes, Dad. I am a fugitive from a brain gang.”

John and Tony were in the bar, pondering over Tony’s problems. “Andrea and I want to get married,” said Tony, “but we can’t find anywhere to live.” “Why don’t you live with Andrea’s parents for a while?” suggested John. “We can’t do that,” said Tony, “they’re living with their parents for a while too.”

A dirty little boy was playing at the playground and walked up to his mother and asked, "Who am I?" The mother replied, "I don't know! Who are you?" the little boy said excitedly, "WOW! My teacher was right. She said that I was so dirty that even my own mother wouldn't recognize me."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you guys."

Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? Father: No. Why do you ask that? Son: Well, where did you get mommy then?

Examining his new will, the old man said to his attorney, “I guess this makes my son and I sort of like football players.” “How’s that?” the lawyer asked. “Well, until I kick off, he doesn’t receive.”

When he was finished with the bulk of the changes, Mr. Smith added yet one more stipulation to his will: that he be buried at sea. He explained, “that’s just in case my wife makes good on her threat t dance on my grave.”

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!! He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel. She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes", he replied reluctantly. She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

When his teenage son asked to borrow twenty dollar, the man said, “Son, don’t you realize that there are more important things in life than money?” “Yes, sir,” the youth replied, “I do. But you need money to take them to the movies.”

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly." No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore

After spending all day putting in a new cement walk, Mr. Sullivan was horrified to see his kids using sticks to write their names in it. After screaming viciously at the kids, he came back inside, only to find his wife scowling. “How could you do that?” she asked. “It’s just a walkway, and – don’t you love your kids?” Her husband said, “In the abstract, yes. But not in the concrete.”

A mother says to her small son who is being mean as usual, “How do you expect to ever get into Heaven?” To this her son replies" I figure I'll just run in and out the pearly gates until St. Peter says either stay in or out"!

Q. What’s a definition of mixed Emotions? A. Seeing your mother in-law backing over a cliff in your new car.

Chris had just turned 16 had long hair, and look like Joe Dirt. He went to his dad and asked: "Dad it is my 16th birthday! I would like you to by me a car for my birthday.” So his dad replied, "Son, I will buy you any car that you want as long as you raise your grades AND cut your hair." Chris said ok. The next week, Chris brought home a report card he had raised all his grades from c's and d's to all a's. His father was very happy! Now Chris was so excited he told his dad what car he wanted a, convertible mustang (red). His dad said, "Chris you haven't cut your hair." Chris replied, "Well Jesus had long hair." His dad said, "yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went!"

A child with an apple approached her mother after a meal and asked, "Mummy, mummy please make the apple naked for me." After being stung by a bee a child told her mother, "The bee kissed me so hard”