Jokes

A mother was taking her two young ones to grandpa’s birthday party. The two kids were whispering in the back seat. One of the children said, "You can’t have a birthday party without a birthday cake." The other child said, "Yup, that’s right! No cake no party!" "What makes you two think there won’t be a birthday cake?" asked the mother. "Are you kidding mom, Grandpa's going to need a garden hose to put that fire out."

Five year old Frankie's parents bought him some new shoes. It had been raining so they told Frankie, "You can't walk in mud puddles with your new shoes." Frankie went outside as his parents watched from the window. The first thing Frankie did was go to the nearest mud puddle and began to stop his feet in the muddy water. With the biggest smile on his face Frankie ran back into the house and announced his shoes work just fine in mud puddles.

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want... 10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any floaties, ie... backwash. 9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that, "Why is this person my mother?" way. 8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty. 7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle. 6. A full time cleaning person - period! 5. For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!" 4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/toys displayed at the checkout line. 3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions. 2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me!" And #1... Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

A Grandmother asked her teenage grandson to lightly water the plants outside in the backyard, but to not wet the grass because the younger grandchildren wanted to go out to play in the yard. She didn't want the yard to be muddy for them to walk through. The teenage grandson happily said he understood and went outside to begin watering the plants. A few moments later the Grandmother looked out the window and was surprised to see her teenage grandson using the water hose to spray water all over the grass in the yard. She ran outside to ask him why he was soaking the grass in water, causing the entire yard to turn muddy. He replied, "To rinse the morning dew off the grass so it won't be wet when the kids come out to play."

Back in the day the police didn’t need to speak to us "in handcuffs”... Mainly because our parents spoke a strange universal a language called "consequences".

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Just do it!"

A successful businessman wanted to send his elderly mother a very special gift for her birthday, a rare South American endangered bird valued at $5,000. When he called his mother to see how she liked the surprise gift he was shocked when she said, "It was quite small, but tasted very good." He asked her, after her shocking reply, "Mom, that was a $5000 bird that can speak five languages and you ate him?" "Well, if he could speak five languages he should have spoken up."

(Father) Your mother tells me your first prom dance is coming up! (Son) Yes, but I don’t think I’m going. What if I ask a girl and she says no? (Father) Son, never fear rejection. Just keep asking until some nice young lady accepts your invitation. (Son) Did you go to your first prom dance? (Father) I sure did and I never let rejection hold me back! (Son) Does this mean the first girl you asked said no? (Father) Yes. In fact, many said no but I didn’t give up. (Son) Did you have fun? (Father) I sure did! And if you don’t believe me, ask your Aunt Suzy, we had a ball.

Grandfather: Back in my day we didn’t need all these fancy gizmos for entertainment. We had a cardboard box and played with it for hours; now that’s real fun! Grandson Billy: Really ?!?! Billy’s mother: Yes Billy, of course they had fun. We are talking about a generation of kids who also ate mud pies!

Daughter: "Dad, when will I be old enough to go to the movies with a boy?" Dad: "When you're a year older than your brother." The daughter thought for a moment and replied: "But I'll never be older than my brother, he was born first." Dad: "I guess there's your answer. But don't blame me, go talk to your brother."

Of all my wife's relatives, the only ones I can stand to be around are her in-laws.

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents private conversations. One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark. The paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. After little Connor was born, the paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on the bottom. He began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!"

(Husband to wife) If I could write a check for a million dollars, I could afford to be eccentric. (Wife) Keep working at it honey, at this point in time you can only afford to be delusional.

Catelin: My Mom has the worst memory. Amanda: She forgets everything? Catelin: No, she remembers everything!

I went to a funeral yesterday where a vigil was held over the dearly departed while a document was read so everyone could find out who was left what. That tells me, where there's a will, there's a wake.

Sign seen upon entering a furniture store: Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten!

Photographer to young man: "It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder." Father: "It would be much more realistic if he had his hand in my pocket."

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well, Honey..." said the boy's mom, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too," chimed in the dad. "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

The Phone Rings…. (Mother) Hello (Daughter) Hi Mom! (Mother) Honey, I haven’t head from you in months, is everything OK? (Daughter) I just wanted to let you know I’m in my 3rd trimester. (Mother) You’re PREGNANT?!?! (Daughter) Nooooo! I went off to college remember?

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she had found the lens. "I looked everywhere, how did you do that?" he asked. "We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I, on the other hand, was looking for $150!"

Daughter: I can't marry him, Mother. He's an atheist and doesn't believe there's a hell. Mother: Marry him, my dear, and between us we can convince him that he's wrong.

My mother-in-law sent me two sweaters for Christmas. When she came for a visit, I put on one of the sweaters. The first thing she said was, "What's the matter? Didn't you like the other one?"

My wife curiously noticed that every time it was my turn to put the kids to bed they fall asleep in minutes. I told her that when I play my guitar it works like magic putting kids to sleep. She said I must be exceedingly talented because it works just like that with her as well.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone... I said, "The whole time."

My children are at the perfect age... too old to cry at night and too young to borrow my car.

Now that I'm a mother I'm having wild unimaginable fantasy's. I keep picturing myself taking the evening off. My favorite is the one about having uninterrupted sleep!

Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card. He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully. Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."

Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" moments than any of the others. Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again?!?!" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

I work a lot but still want to help around the house and with the kids. My wife asked me to do the dishes, put the kids to bed and read a bedtime story. The next day she had no assignments for me so I asked why. She informed me that I just don’t have the skill set and that she had to redo the dishes. I said how about the bedtime story thing? She said, well, ok, but this time you have to read it out loud.