Jokes

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?” Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

Growing up, I was really jealous of my best friend. His grandmother lived in a two story house which he went over to visit quite often. My grandmother lived in a one story house. The only story I ever heard was "The Little Engine That Could", OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

(Son) Dad since I'm getting married next week do you have any advice? (Dad) Well son, I've always been the man of the house. Do you know what I mean? (Son) I think so, I did notice that you do the dishes when ever you want! (Dad) Exactly! (Son) Anything else Dad? (Dad) Yes, do them right after dinner.

A three year old, WIDE EYED, little girl, was on the phone, "I KID YOU NOT! This guy in a white dress or robe tries to drown me! He puts me under water and my family just stood there taking pictures."

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."

My husband is the laziest man I know. He is so lazy, he doesn't even bother to make coffee. He just puts coffee in his mustache and drinks hot water.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

My Irish mother-in-law gave me an “Irish Blessing” just before my wife and I went on vacation. I’d feel better about the “may the wind be at your back” thing if we weren’t going to the Grand Canyon this year.

My last name is Pines. My parents named me Phillip. I've never forgiven them for that. And no, I've NEVER been there!

"Darling, in the moonlight your teeth are like pearls." "Oh really! And when were you in the moonlight with Pearl?"

Definition of Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

"Mom, you said the baby had your eyes and Daddy's nose, didn't you?" "Yes, darling." "Well, you'd better keep an eye on him... he's got grandpa's teeth now.

I am not liking the man I have become... It's not a good sign when I answer Dora before my toddler does.

The most dangerous part of parenting is when I'm barefoot and reenacting the shattered glass scene from Die Hard in a darkened room full of legos.

True hospitality is making your guests feel like they ARE at home... ... all the while you really wish they WERE at home!

I spent a lot of effort child proofing my house... But the kids still get in.

(Grandson) Grandpa, I have some advice for you. (Grandfather) Son, at your age you need to be listening more than advising. (Grandson) Okay Grandpa, just thought you might want to know your shoe is too close the campfire and it just burst into flames.

Jim: My older brother Dave crashed his car into a tree going forty miles an hour. Troy: Wow! I didn't know trees could move that fast!

"Why is Dad never home?" the 16 year old girl asked her mother. "Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn't miss out on a thing." "Wow," the teenager replied thoughtfully, "that's really very selfish of him, isn't it?"

Mom: Hi. Son: I'm in a meeting....BRB. Mom: BRB means???? Son: Be Right back. Mom: Okay, IAW. Son: IAW? Mom: I Am Waiting. Son: That's not an abbreviation mom! Mom: Why? Only you can make one? Who do you think you are? I can make one up too.

What's the biggest lie one tells him/herself? I don't need to write it down, I'll remember it later.

Mom: Having trouble with your computer, son? Son: My PC says it can't see my printer. Mom: I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is.

A boy was getting a checkup at the doctor's office, while his mother was in the waiting room. Trying to get some information out of the boy, the nurse asked, "What's your mother's name?" The boy replied, "Mom." The nurse said, "Well, what does your dad call her?" The boy responded, "Tammy." The nurse wrote this down. She did the same thing, only with the father as the subject, and got the same reply, "Dad." As a last resort, she remarked, once again, "What does your mom call him?" The boy looked up at her with big innocent eyes and said, "Idiot."

"Daddy, did you know that girls are smarter than boys?" "No, I didn’t know that." "There you go."

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells, “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sighed in relief, “Oh good, I'm relieved that it wasn’t new.”

"Why are you home? I thought you were going to the school dance after school?" "I did attend but I don't know how to dance. Mr. Greeley, my math teacher gave me some advice. He said it’s easy to dance just put one foot in front of the other. So I did... and next I know I wound up here!"

"I miss going to restaurants with my parents." "So you miss your parents?" "No, they just used to pay the bill."

Joan invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," Joan answered. The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

My grandma has always been interested in technology, so when I got my new smart phone, she wanted me to show her some of its features. The first thing I demonstrated to her is how to change the screen by swiping it. I haven't seen grandma or my phone since.