Jokes

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc. She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdale's. "Bloomingdale's!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomingdale's?" "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost. The son thought for a minute and then replied, "Oh, about $15 I think." "Well," said the father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked. "She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower. Hang on, let me check." He stepped into the nearby bathroom and flushed the toilet. A second later a sharp yell came from upstairs. My nephew walked back out and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to 
my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so 
stubborn.” He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”

John was dozing against a tree with his fishing rod in the water. His friend came by and looked at the line. “You don’t have any bait on the hook,” he said. “It’s too much trouble to clean the fish if I caught one,” replied John. His friend said, “John, you are the laziest man I know. What you need is a wife and a family.” John opened his eyes and said, “Do you know where I can find a pregnant woman?”

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

How to survive the coldest winter days: 1) Get dressed 2) Walk outside 3) Turn around 4) Return to inside 5) GET BACK IN BED!

My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot. Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three-year-old and told her to drink her milk. She looked at me bewildered and replied, "But I didn’t order milk."

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. “Are you trying to kick the habit?” “No,” I replied. “I’ve got a cold and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.” “You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”

It seemed that all our appliances had broken in the same week, and repairs were straining our budget. So when I picked up the kids from school and our Jeep started making rattling sounds, I decided that rather than burden my husband, I’d deal with it. When we got home, the kids rushed right into the house with the news. "Daddy, the Jeep was breaking down, but Mom made the noise stop!" Impressed, my husband asked, "How did you fix it?" "I turned up the volume on the radio," I confessed.

Ravi: How does your family all use just one car? Bhanu: It's simple. My wife uses it for shopping and to run errands, my son uses it for school, and I use it to go to the gas station to fill-up again.

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place. "It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still stuck with dad."

My college son texted me a request for additional funds. He ended his text with "PLZ". I asked him why he used the abbreviation. He said it was shorter than writing please. I replied with, "No." He asked why. I said it was shorter than writing yes.

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?" Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." "Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table and we started talking. He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them. With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work, out of our home." Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered. The man looked at me and then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

Suzanne was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? She replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it." A few weeks later, while visiting her grandmother, Suzanne asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother. Five minutes later, "Mom." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." [Five minutes later] "Mom." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water?" "I told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!" [Five minutes later] "Mom!" "WHAT?!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

I am NOT overweight... I am just not tall enough.

There are three sisters stranded on a island. They live there until they run out of food. They decide to try to swim to the next island but it is 100 miles away. The oldest sister swims the first 15 miles, gets tired, and swims back. The middle one swims the first 25 miles, gets tired, and swims back. The youngest sister, and not the smartest one, swims the first 50 miles, gets tired, and swims back.

A man and his wife are relaxing at home when the phone rings. She answers and within a minute is sobbing. After she hangs up, her hubby gently holds her and asks what's wrong. She replies that her mother has died. He finally gets her calmed down and the phone rings again. She answers and starts crying again. She turns to her hubby and manages to choke out, "Honey, it's my sister and you won't believe this, but her mother died too!"

My father was a gambler when I was growing up, so I thought I would confide in him this nightmare I kept having. "Dad," I began, "I keep having these dreams about a supernatural evil entity that takes horse racing bets from gamblers. He seems so real to me." "Don't worry, son," my dad assured me. "There's no such thing as the bookey-man."

With his wife out for the evening, a father was trying to watch TV, but his young son kept coming in and asking for a glass of water. After the seventh glass, the father lost his temper and yelled, "Go to sleep, I'm watching TV." "But Dad," he protested, "my room is still on fire!"

Little Johnny asked his father, “Where did I get my intelligence from?” His father replied, “It must be from your mother... because I still have mine.”

Al: When was your son born? Sam: In March, he came the first of the month. Al: Is that why you named him "Bill"?

All parents are proud of overachieving children, and one father was no exception... The bumper sticker on his car read "My Kid Made Your License Plate".

My mother says she never holds grudges but then will blindside you with something that happened years ago. Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on your birthday." And I was like, "Which birthday was that?" So she replied, "The first one. You have a really big head, you know."

My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed. “Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?” “The one that has no roast beef.”

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. “Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?” Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

Texting acronyms can stump even the best of moms: Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL. Son: Why is that funny? Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean? Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud. Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry. Mom: WTF! Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means? Mom: Well That’s Fantastic. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean? Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later. Mom: Okay, I will ask your sister.

I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college while working for my parents as their daughter.