Jokes

Stella, 6, and her mommy were talking. Stella: "I'll bet you can't wait 'til I'm a teenager!" Mommy: "Actually, I can." Stella: "Why?" Mommy: "Because I like you being sweet." Stella: "I'll still be sweet when I'm a teenager. I'll just have an awkward way of showing it."

A young boy was looking through some old family photos and asked his mother, "Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father." "Then who's that man who lives with us now?"

I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.

Grade school children were asked the question, "Why did your mom marry your dad?" These are some responses: 1. She got too old to do anything else with him. 2. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. 3. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world, and Mom eats a lot!

Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit. I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived. "Isn't it good"? I asked. She chuckled and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator."

We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group. "Party of two," the woman behind us said to her, "and could we please have Michelle?" Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, "Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"

A long time ago, a father, visiting America for the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store. He constantly asked questions about products he saw, "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?" "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice." A few minutes later, in a different aisle, "Und vas dis? Powdered milk?" "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!" A few minutes later, in a different aisle, "Und give a look here! Baby Powder! Vat a country, vat a country!"

A mom's teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said. "Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy a new iPad!"

Kathy was shopping in the mall with her two children and a display in the window of a lingerie store caught her eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" she asked the kids, as she pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe. "No way," four-year-old Rian replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"

I informed my grandson that our cousin was coming to the swimming pool with us. He sighed, "Oh no. The H word." Alarmed, I inquired, "The H word?" "Yup," he answered. "Hugs!"

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it. "I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said. "But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied. Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

A loaded van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tents. Two of them rushed to gather firewood, while the other two and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system... no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

A couple decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by hosting a big party. The wife was excited and asked her husband what he thought was the bond that kept them together throughout the years. His reply, “Our marriage certificate, dear.”

Kyle and Justin were about to eat with their babysitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" "Daddy's not home," the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today, I'm the boss." Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's probably okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us just did the same thing."

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step. She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?" The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door.

I went back to my home town a decided to visit the house I grew up in. I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!" My parents can be so grouchy some times.

I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger and stuffed it. Then I sat it on the couch to see how it looked. Later that evening my son walked in the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it’s not that bad, is it?"

My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm. Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them. I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound. "It’s the smoke detector," they replied in unison. "Do you know what that sound means?" I demanded. "Sure," my oldest replied. "Dinner’s ready."

My daughter had absentmindedly left her sneakers on our kitchen table. "That’s disgusting," my husband grumbled. "Doesn’t she realize we eat off that table?" Then he went out back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home I couldn’t set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a car muffler.

A 10-year-old child was having a conversation with their grandmother while eating breakfast... Child: "Nanna, I'm a chubby old man." Grandmother: "What did you say?" Child: "I'm a chubby old man." Grandmother: "Now why would you say something like that?" Child: "Well, everybody says I look just like my daddy."

A daughter asks her mother, “What are character qualities that I should look for in a marriage partner? You know, for someone that I will be spending eternity with." The mother replied, ”Go ask your father, he did better than I did.”

When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner. The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. “It comes equipped with all the newest features,” he assured them. The husband was not convinced. “Don’t you have a riding one?” he asked.

My sister decided to go on a diet, and that first evening she phoned me. I could tell her mouth was full, so I asked her what she was eating. “A cupcake,” she mumbled. “I just got on the scale, and it read 149 1/2 pounds. I decided that was no place to start a diet, so I’m rounding it off to 150.”

Little Mikey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Mikey received his plate, he started eating right away. "Mikey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted through gritted teeth. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Mikey explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." "How do you know?" "She didn't say anything."

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Her parents divorced, but that never stopped her from wanting to get married. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear. A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding."

I've always wondered what my parents did in their spare time when there were no iPhones, computers, television, and such... I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't seem to know the answer either.