Jokes

mother made a nice lunch and told little red to take this to grandmothers house through the woods. She warned little red to stay on the trail and do not take the shortcut through the forest as the big bad wolf was about, and if he catches you he'll suck your tits dry. Little red skipped down the trail until she was out of sight . Ignoring her mothers advise she headed through the forest on the shortcut. She came upon the swamp and met Mr. turtle. Mr. Turtle said to little red: "Why would you be off the trail and into the woods when you know the big bad wolf is about, and if he catches you he'll suck your tits dry? Ignoring Mr. Turtle she headed on through the forest. Sure enough the big bad wolf leaped from behind a tree and said; " I've got you Little red, and now I'm going to suck your tits dry. Little red said 'Oh no you won't big bad wolf, as she hiked up her skirt, "your going to eat me, just like the story goes.

I was going to make a joke about your penis. but its too short

A husband and wife were setting up a password for there computer the husband puts in my My Penis the wife drops to the floor laughing the computer says error to short

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest. He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house." "Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air." "Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

When you’re a midget shorts don’t exist, only trousers and super long legged trousers.

My midget landlord told me that he wants me to leave my house by tommorow night. That‘s short notice.

Q: What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with? A: Why, shortbread of course!

I hate that PC stuff. He's not fat; he's gravity-enhanced. You mustn't say short -- vertically challenged. Nobody's bald; they're persons of scalp. The stupid are hard of thinking, and the crazy are logically impaired.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it’s only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel . The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

FAT BULLY: Hey shorty i can see your feet in your drivers licence photo. SHORT KID: Hey fat ass you chased a bus full of white kids and yelled comeback here twinkie.

Met a guy named Ant last night.I just figured it was short for Anthony. Turns out he picks up woman 10 times his own bodyweight.

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

THE SUPER MARIO BROS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL Bowser: Mario get a life Mario: *pulls out a green mushroom and eats it* thanks bowser! Now if you make me die of boredom, I'll still have 3 lives left! Bowser: gimme your lunch money Mario: *dies of boredom* *comes back to life* I'm sorry, I don't have any coins. I lost them all when I died from your stupidity Peach: boys! Boys! Stop this fighting! Bowser: Sup bae Peach: *slaps bowser's face with her purse* Mario: hey bowser I see the ladies like you Bowser: why you little- Mario: yes bowser I see I am the shorter brother. Bowser: I HATE YOU SO MUCH Mario: bowser, I didn't ask for what you say when you look in the mirror! Bowser: I give up... Mario: I didn't ask what your parents say to you constantly Bowser: (?°?°)? ???

Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part II 21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined. 22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer. 23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire. 24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary. 25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor. 26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up. 28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital. 29. You're already late on the assignment you just got. 30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy. 31. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes...Could you fit this in...?...in your spare time...when you're freed up...I know you're busy but...I have an opportunity for you 32. Holiday is something you roll over to next year. 33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving. 34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection. 35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers." 36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk. 37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling. 39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group. 40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.

BUSINESS SLOGANS … 25 Funny Lines (Jokes) For The Price of One. (I should make you vote it up 25 times!!!) ……. Local ad for a Plumber: “We repair what your husband fixed.” … ….. On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip - call your plumber.” …. …. Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one Weak.” …. …. At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.” Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello, can we pick your nose?” Sign at the psychic’s Hotline: “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” At a Laundry Shop: “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?” At a Towing Company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want your tows.” Billboard on the side of the road: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.” On an Electricians truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” On Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push.” At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what your looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.” In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.” On a Butchers window: “Let me meat your needs.” On a fence: “SalesmEn Welcome, Dog food is expensive.” At a car Dealership : “The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.” Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming.” Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.” On a desk in a reception room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left.” In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! ” At the Electric Company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.” On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.” In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara. If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla. When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back. When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs. A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale. A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them. Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument. Women love cats. Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats. A woman worries about the future - until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future - until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife. A successful woman is one who can find that a man. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does. A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed. Women will somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was “My Favorite Things” from the legendary movie “Sound Of Music.” Here are the lyrics she used: Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things. Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don’t feel so bad. Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin’, Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’, And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I’ve had, And then I don’t feel so bad. (Ms.  Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.)

you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you sleep with your eyes open. you have to watch videos in fast-foward. the only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer. you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. your eyes stay open when you sneeze. you chew on other people's fingernails. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. you can type sixty words a minute with your feet. you can jump-start your car without cables. you don't sweat, you percolate. you walk twenty miles on your tread mill before you realize it's not plugged in. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. instant coffee takes too long. you channel surf faster without a remote. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. you short out motion detectors. you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. you help your dog chase its tail. you soak your dentures in coffee. your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up. you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. you answer the door before people knock.

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London. The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease." The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

Have you ever noticed that there are few things in the world, short of actual material success, that can make you feel as powerful as eating an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting? Isn't that the weirdest thing? You eat half of it: you're a pig. You eat it all: you're the victor!

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - ‘This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’ 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’ 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - ‘And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’ 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - ‘Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.’ 5. US PGA Commentator - ‘One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??’ 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’ 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’ 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said: ‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ‘ 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’: ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’ 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ‘They seem cold out there. They’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.’ 12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’

Two friends were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Hippie friend: What is the meaning of life. Stupid friend: My dick!!!:-) Smart friend: Your right, life is short. :-O :-O :-O

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day. One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.” Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Bertha passed on. A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.” “Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?” “Betty - it’s me, Bertha.” “You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.” “I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice. “Bertha! Where are you?” “In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.” “Tell me the good news first,” said Betty. “The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.” “That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”

An Antartian woman was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She stood in front of a candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out. She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket. She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar. A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her. He said, "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?" She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"

There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill. The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?" He replied, "No I think I'll wait." So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?" His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait." The first bum ate the road kill. Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street. Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke. The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?" His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."

two in one kid: what's the wifi password friend: my dick kid: the wifi says its to short kid:what's life bully: my dick class: (starts laughing) kid: no wonder life's so short class: (silence)

I have a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

One friend says to another, "Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is 'I am'?" "Really?" replies the other. "What’s the longest sentence?" “I do.”