Jokes

My fellow teacher called for help—she needed someone who knew about animals. As a science teacher, I filled the bill. "Oh," she added, "bring a net." Expecting to find some kind of beast as I entered her classroom, I was greeted instead by the sight of excited kids watching a hummingbird fly around. Rather than use the net, I suggested they hang red paper by an open door. The bird would be drawn to it, I explained, and eventually fly out. Later, the teacher called back. The trick worked. "Now," she said, "we have two hummingbirds flying around the room."

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?" Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?" He lifted his head and replied, "I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t excited about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were dumb fools? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”

A mother complained to my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils. “It’s not the money, it’s the principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”

I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me. “Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said. “Hi, Eddie,” she replied. “So you do remember me?” I asked. “Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but you definitely leave a lasting one.”

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "It's Mrs. Dull's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

TEACHER: How many feet are there in a yard? STUDENT: It depends. If there are 3 people, then we have six feet!

*In class* Teacher: "Jay,why are you down today?" Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad is at the police station." Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?" Jay: "Yes, please." After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, "Why is Jay's father at the police station and the mother at the hospital?" Classmate: "Because his father is a policeman and his mom's a nurse."

Teacher: Where is Sparta these days? Student: On a map.

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school. "Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked. "She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm keeping her home."

A fifth grade science teacher began her discussion of atoms by saying, "Never trust an atom... they make up everything!"

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center. But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."

When I was in elementary school, I learned about exaggeration. I had like ten thousand tests on it and my teacher would kill me if I didn't spell it right.

Teacher: When does three come before two? Student: In the dictionary!

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a nature history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" One child was ready with the answer, "They don't have a union?"

Summer vacation was over and young Jack returned to school. Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," mother said. "I had Jack with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class. She called on her and said, "Daphne! What are 2 and 4, and 28 and 44?" Daphne quickly replied, "ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

A student in chemistry class was instructed to create a new substance by mixing some special ingredient with water.But the student chose the wrong ingredient and the teacher realized mixing it with water would create an explosion. He stopped the student and asked him to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the ingredient. The student wanted to know what that would accomplish. The teacher answered, "It will give me time to get away."

The teacher asks Joanie, "If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter and another quarter and then another quarter, how much would you have left?" Joanie replies, "A million dollars minus 75 cents."

Teacher: If I tear a piece of paper into four, what do I get? Student: Quarters Teacher: And if I divide it into eight? Student: Eighths Teacher: And if I divide it into eight thousand parts? Student: Confetti.

A first grade teacher collected old, well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Here are the results: * Better be safe than ... Punch a 5th Grader. * It's always darkest before ... Daylight saving time. * You can lead a horse to water, but ... How? * You can't teach an old dog ... Math. * Love all, trust ... Me. * The pen is mightier than the ... Pigs. * You get out of something what you ... See pictured on the box. * When the blind leadeth the blind ... Get out of the way. * There is no fool like ... Aunt Eddie.

The following was the answering machine message for an elementary school: "Hello! You have reached your child's elementary school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1. To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2. To complain about what we do - Press 3. To cuss out staff members - Press 4. To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5. If you want us to raise your child - Press 6. If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7. To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8. To complain about bus transportation - Press 9. To complain about school lunches - Press 0. If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up, and have a nice day!"

8. "Thank goodness for these evaluations. They keep me focused." 7. "I can't BELIEVE I get paid for this!" 6. "Here class... just put all your gym shoes in this box next to my desk." 5. "I bet all the people in our administration really miss teaching." 4. "Gosh, the bathroom smells so fresh and clean!" 3. "It must be true... the school news said so." 2. "I think the discipline around here is just a LITTLE too strict!" 1. "It's Friday already!!!"

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around apples for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have an apple." "I don't freakin' want one," declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your apple." "I don't freakin' want one," stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?" "So?" said his mother, "Don't freakin' give him one."

Why are kindergarten teachers so optimistic? Because every day they try to make the little things count.

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school. He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade. "I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

The Feron psychiatric hospital was also a teaching and research institute. Today marked the first day of a new semester. After the students arrived in class, Professor McDoogle introduced herself. She then said, "Please take out a blank sheet of paper and write down you’re deepest thoughts concerning this question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" The students seemed to be rather puzzled and some even started to giggle a little bit. This was swiftly ended by a stern word from the teacher explaining this paper would result in a third of their grade. She went on to say it may be the most important object lesson they’ll ever learn during their education process. Realizing this was serious and must hold profound meaning far beyond the questions exterior. At this the students began to bare down and search for a solution with great veracity. Forty five minutes later the students were producing pages of written dialog. Each thought seemed to pose deeper and more complex avenues of discovery as their quest intensified in epic proportion. Just then an orderly poked his head into the classroom. "There you are, Mrs. McDoogle, we’ve been worried about you. I see you’ve been switching class room numbers again!"