Jokes

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

Two years ago a man and woman had just won the lottery. He was at work when the lottery office phoned their home to inform them of the win. His wife was very worried because the man had just recovered from a heart attack and she wondered what would happen if he found out about it too abruptly. So, she called the pastor and asked if he could talk to the man and slowly lead into telling him the news. He agreed and said he would be there as soon as possible. When the man got home the pastor asked if they could go for a walk. While they were walking the pastor began by asking, "What would you do if you won the lottery?" The man replied, "Why, I'd give it all to the church." The pastor dropped dead on the spot.

Ralph was towing his boat home from a fishing trip in Jamaica Bay when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-95, two miles south of Cranston." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he whispered, "I forgot my teeth." The man replied, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose." "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken aback at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them." The speaker tried them and happily replied, "They fit perfectly." With that the speaker ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, he went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test. We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?" "Yes," I replied. "Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?

When I worked in the post office, a lady barged in and started complaining that she’d got home to find a note from the postman – he’d tried to deliver a package but nobody was in. “My husband was home all day!” she fumed. After I gave her the package, she said, “Oh, I’m so excited – it’s my husband’s new hearing aid!”

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

One morning at a small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles. "What am I supposed to write?" the editor whined. "She liked puzzles?" Just then one of our copy editors piped up, "How about, 'Crossword fan is now six down.'?"

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall. The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?" Bohr chuckled, "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"

A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad. He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind. He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean. "Well, this sucks," he thinks out loud. A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel. "Tell me about it," the second man replies. "This is worse than last year."

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the little man. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof," said the little man. "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge. "Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. I went to the registration office and got in another line. I filled out my forms for another card. I got back in line for my card." "And?" said the judge. "And the clerk asked me, 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'" "What happened next?" the judge asked. "I punched him."

I was mailing a letter at my local post office when I noticed my not so bright neighbor talking into an envelope. I ask her what she was doing? She replied, without missing a beat, "Sending voicemail... "

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They decided to run a study, hired a few additional sociologists and other specialists, moved to town, rented offices and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local diner. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and told the waitress what his purpose was in town. He then asked her if she had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the waitress. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and sounds its horn. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her backyard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

A Police Officer was questioning a young man who's smart car got stuck between the concrete walls of a pedestrian stairway. When the police officer had asked him what he was thinking at that moment, his response was, "I was instructed by my Uber App to take a sharp left."

You know its going to be a bad day if: You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better. Your car horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck while you’re following a group of Hell’s angels. You see a ’60 minutes’ team waiting in your office The boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. Your blind date turns out to be your wife. Your twin forgot your birthday. Your Income Tax check bounces.

An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for riding Royal Airlines." But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," replied the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim. Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

Signs are not always what they seem... IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

A policeman is passing through a supermarket parking lot when he sees a car turn into a 'Handicap Parking' space with no sticker. He pulls over as the gentlemen is getting out of his parked car. "Ahem," He clears his throat to the man, "Sir, this is a HANDICAP spot, you know." The man looks at him quizzically, then back to the space, then back to the officer. "Ok," he answers. The police officer crosses his arms. "Well, what's you're handicap bub?" He pauses to think for a minute. "Well, I can't read sir, does that count?"

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."

Nate walked along a highway in Nevada shouting that, "the end of the world will come soon!" As he got closer to the city he came upon a large lever in the middle of the road with a sign that said "Pull lever and the world will end!". He just knew this would be great place to preach his message. Sure enough, the traffic stopped both ways as people were forced to stop and listen. A large truck came over the hill and, due to poor brakes, had to decide whether to hit the lever or hit Nate. He chose Nate as it would only be the end of one person as opposed to the end the world. The truck driver was unhurt but in deep despair over the the choice he had to make. A police officer tried to console him by saying, "Look at it this way, it was better Nate than Lever."

A young woman, who isn't too bright, goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" She counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying, "Umm... 23". The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!" This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And eh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The girl bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Barbara". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss, we can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Oh that!" replies the girl, "I was just running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

"You know, I think everyone should divide their worldly goods with the other fellow," said an office worker to another. "That's a good idea. If you had two thousand dollars would you give me half?" "Sure." "And if you had two automobiles, would you give me one?" "Sure." "And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?" "No." "No? Why?" "Because I have two shirts."

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”

My husband, an attorney, is frequently consulted by clients who, after learning what the cost of legal services will be, decide to do without his aid. Recently the elderly minister of a small, struggling church came in with a legal problem. After patiently listening to an explanation of my husband’s fees, he left the office with a prudent, "Thank you, sir, but I believe I’ll just pray this one through."

Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customers, "I’ll turn the pumps on right away!" What I didn’t know was that the night crew had left them on all night. By the time I got to the office, most of the cars had filled up and driven off. Only one customer stayed to pay. My heart sank. Then the customer pulled a wad of cash from his pocket and handed it to me. "We kept passing the money to the last guy," he said. "We figured you’d get here sooner or later."

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America. As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what did he have in the sacks. Paddy replied Mobile phones. The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these phones?" asked the officer. "Oh, they are not for me. My friend, who is a musical director, knew I was going over to America. He asked me to bring him back a 'couple of saxaphones.'"

Veronica was practicing the piano when suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and found a breathless cop. "What's the matter?!" she asked. "Where's the body?!" demanded the officer. "What are you talking about?" "We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was being butchered to pieces in this house."

An indian man was walking down the road when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell to the ground. And ambulance was called and within minutes the ambulance arrived. The victim was taken into the ambulance and it sped off. In the ambulance the victim being a religious man started to repeat "hari om, hari hom, ari om" The ambulance drove as fast as it could siren sounding and lights flashing. Finally it arrived! They took the victim down and pushed him to the door and rang the doorbell. A woman appeared and was shocked to see her husband on stretcher and inquired what happened. The medical officer explained what happened to her. She screamed," why didn't you take him to the hospital!?" The medical officer explained, " we tried too but he kept repeating "hurry home hurry home hurry home'. So we took him right to his home.' The wife was furious and exclaimed, "you idiot! He was praying our hindu prayer "hari om hari om!'