Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute? A: A f**king know-it-all.

A wife and her husband were trying to make a new password for their computer,the husbands puts "Mypenis" and the wife falls on the ground because on the screen it says"Error,not long enough".

What did the computer say to the girl using it? You turn my software in to hardware.

A husband and a wife was setting up their own password for their computer. The husband puts "mydick" and the wife fell of the ground and started laughing, because the computer says "it's too short"

A couple buys a new computer. They are trying to set a password then the husband types in "mypenis" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because it said sorry not long enough.

My new computer's the Bill Clinton Model. It's gotta 2 inch hard drive, no memory and it keeps going down.

A husband and wife are trying to setup a new password for there computer. The husband puts "mypenis" and the wife starts laghing because the computer says "ERROR: NOT LONG ENOUGH"

What’s the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer will accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

Tia and Luke bought a new Computer. They try to figure out a new password. Luke had a great idea. He typed down 'Mypenis'. Tia was on the ground laughing because on the screen it said 'ERROR NOT LONG ENOUGH'

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

I still remember the old days when I used to load my computer with a floppy. That all changed after internet p*rn was invented.

Why women are like computers: 1. They are expensive. 2. They are never specific about problems. 3. They are difficult to figure out and crash inexplicably about once a month. 4. Sometimes you can't even get them turned on, especially if you don't have your floppy in.

Your bra size looks like it's the same as my favorite computer language, C++.

A husband and wife were setting up a password for there computer the husband puts in my My Penis the wife drops to the floor laughing the computer says error to short

My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.

Q: Did you hear about the new computer upgrade for erectile dysfunction? A: It turns your 3.5" floppy into a hard drive.

Why is Facebook like to be in prison? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by people you don’t really know! “When Mark Zuckerberg got married - Facebook raised $15 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 15 billion things she loves about him.” -Jimmy Fallon “Investors are be able to buy shares of Facebook stock. It’s great - now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.” - Jimmy Fallon “Facebook has estimated net worth - $100 billion. That’s almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time in Facebook.” - Jay Leno “The two main websites in the world are Wikipedia, where you can learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you can learn about people you don’t care at all.” - Craig Ferguson “Facebook now has 0,5 billion users. The previous record holder was… heroin.” - Jimmy Kimmel “Facebook has passed 500 million members. If Facebook was a country, it would be the third-largest country and the least productive.” - Jimmy Kimmel “Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and Facebook for several hours yesterday. American productivity has jumped by 150%.” - Conan O’Brien

A rather obese man is very excited about his new job and wants to start work immediately. However, when he sits down at his computer, the only program installed was spreadsheets. Confused, the man calls over his boss and asks:"Why there is only excel installed on this computer?" His boss replies, "It was the only program in your size!"

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue." She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does. Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food." The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit." Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes." A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button. Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later." There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it. A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part II 21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined. 22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer. 23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire. 24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary. 25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor. 26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up. 28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital. 29. You're already late on the assignment you just got. 30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy. 31. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes...Could you fit this in...?...in your spare time...when you're freed up...I know you're busy but...I have an opportunity for you 32. Holiday is something you roll over to next year. 33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving. 34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection. 35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers." 36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk. 37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling. 39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group. 40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing… You’re just like Frank!” Passenger: “Who?” Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.” Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.” Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.” Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street bl@cks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.” Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.” Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow indeed. How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fcukin’ wife.

BUSINESS SLOGANS … 25 Funny Lines (Jokes) For The Price of One. (I should make you vote it up 25 times!!!) ……. Local ad for a Plumber: “We repair what your husband fixed.” … ….. On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip - call your plumber.” …. …. Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one Weak.” …. …. At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.” Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello, can we pick your nose?” Sign at the psychic’s Hotline: “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” At a Laundry Shop: “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?” At a Towing Company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want your tows.” Billboard on the side of the road: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.” On an Electricians truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” On Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push.” At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what your looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.” In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.” On a Butchers window: “Let me meat your needs.” On a fence: “SalesmEn Welcome, Dog food is expensive.” At a car Dealership : “The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.” Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming.” Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.” On a desk in a reception room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left.” In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! ” At the Electric Company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.” On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.” In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”

1. Your potted plants stay alive.  2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.  3. 6:00 A.M. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.  4. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.  5. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. 6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.  7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.  9. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. 10. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.  11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.  12. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. 13. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one. 14. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."  15. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 

We tip our hats to the "Baby Boomers". First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms. We had friends and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out anyone's eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! The result? This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all! And if you are one of the Baby Boomers, Congratulations!

TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you? CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking? TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking. CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that? TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank. CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out? TECH: I'm not sure I understand? CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it. 2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy. 3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. 4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics". 5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long. 6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. 7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" 8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" 9. The only chip inside is a Dorito. 10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

I told my friend, “I like my women the way I like my computer. … On my lap. Turned on and Virus free.” He said, “I prefer mine under my desk and silent.”

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile…..somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I’ve Arrived Date: 16 May 2003 I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here

There was a man who always acted like he knew everything. On one occasion he accompany a friend to buy a computer. Looking at an optical mouse, his friend asks "Why use light when you can use the ball?" The guy thought for a minute and said; "You can use it as a flashlight when the power goes out!"

15 things we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for the movies 1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. 4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down. 6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't. 8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now. 9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. 10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head. 14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. And last but not least 15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.