Jokes

I took on a car pool rider so I could use the diamond lane. She’s a twenty year old blonde, but after all these years her seams are giving out, so I’ll need to buy a new one.

I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts... she gave me change!

What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? Third Grade!

A blonde takes her typewriter to the doctor. "Doc, I'm afraid my typewriter is pregnant." The doctor asks, "Why in the world would you think that?" She says, "Because it's started missing its period."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few. "Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Their's were still sticking out of the ground."

Blonde goes to chemist Anant. "Give me medicine which will make penis limp for one month. And give me contraceptive medicine for one month. Anant puzzled "will give you medicine. But tell me reason" Blonde " I will be in Europe trip for one month "

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. “Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply. “Oh,” said the blonde sympathetically, “that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”

one day on friday the 13th a blonde and a brunette are on a boat leaning over the rails looking at the water. All of a sudden the brunette loses her balence and falls over the side of the boat. She is hanging onto the rail and the blonde is just standing there not helping. Eventually the brunette loses her grip and drowns. Once the blonde dies of old age they run into each other in heavan. The brunette asks "why didnt you save me" the blonde says "cause it was friday the 13th and your suposed to have bad luck,duh

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while. Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded, "Hurry, hurry! It's going to rain and we left the top down!"

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, “I’ve got to take a crap.” The other said, “Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap.” The first one said, “But I don’t have any paper to wipe my ass.” The other blonde replied, “You have a dollar, don’t you?” The first one said, “Yeah, I’ve got a dollar. That’s a great idea- I’ll use that!” He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, “What in the hell happened to you?” The first one replied, “Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?”

One day three blondes were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first blonde prayed to god saying, "Please god, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this the second blonde prayed to god saying, "Please god, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave her a rowboat and she was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third blond had seen how this worked out for the other two, so she also prayed to god saying, "please god, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned her into a man. He looked at the map, then walked upstream and across the bridge.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab? A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

A blonde woman is driving her car down the highway going way, way too fast. She passes a patrol car and is immediately pulled over. The police officer, who is also a blonde woman, comes over to the window and asks for her license. Dumbfounded, the blonde driver frantically tears through her pocketbook but can't seem to find it. She asks the officer, "Well what does a license look like?". The officer says, "it's a small card with you picture on it." So she starts looking again and pulls out a small mirror. "Aha! I found it!" she says, and hands it to the officer. The officer looks at it, hands it back and says "Your free to go." The driver asks why and the officer responds, "I didn't know you were a cop."

A Blonde reached college late. Blonde: Good morning sir. Anant: Why are you so late? Blonde: Sir, a boy was following me in the way" Anant: But why are you late. Girl: Sir, that boy was walking very slow.

A hot blonde woman is walking past a school with a pig in her hands A student yells "How did you get that" The pig yells back "I won her in a raffle"

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "California." Brunette: "Which part?" Blonde: "All of me."

Back in the heyday of drive-in theaters, Hopkins, Minnesota police were suspicious of a car parked in the vast theater parking lot in January for several days, so they checked it out. (Mind you this was just west of Minneapolis, Minnesota.) They found a blonde frozen to death She had gone to the drive-in to see “Closed for the Season.”

One day, a blonde was skipping on some train tracks singing "21, 21, 21, 21,...'''' Along came a blonde who thought it looked like fun. So she joined in and started singing "21, 21, 21, 21," and then a train came. The brunette jumped off the tracks but the train ran over the blonde. The brunette got back on the train tracks and started singing "22, 22, 22, 22,..."

Q: What do you call 144 blondes? A: Gross ignorance.

Did you hear about the blonde skydiver? She missed the Earth.

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?” “No. I’m Swedish.”

A fit blonde walked over to me in a club last night, “What do you do for a living?” she asked “Accounting specialist,” I said. “Wow!” she replied, “What can you go upto?”

A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "lifesaver! lifesaver!" The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "cherry or grape?"

A blonde who really needed a job saw an ad in the newspaper for an opening job at an Elmo factory. She applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she really needed the money. Finally the manager hired her. After a few hours, the manager noticed that the conveyer belt was backed up. He went downstairs to find out what was wrong. He saw that the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. The manager told her, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles -- not two testicles!"

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

How can you tell if a blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.

I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it. I was tough, so tough I wore my clothes out from the inside. Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor. The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone. It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so. I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out and I got in. We took the corner at hundred kilometers per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back. We kept on the pavement, because there was a sign that said: “Keep Death Off Our Roads”. Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians. As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again. She pointed two thirty-eights at me. She also had a gun. She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen - hanging from her left nostril. She had teeth like the ten commandments - all broken. She also had the most beautiful eyes - so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one. There was a man on the floor. He had stab wounds in his heart, bullet wounds in his head and his wrists were slashed. He was dead. I said: “Lady, if this man was alive, he sure would be ill”. So I took her for a drive to calm her nerves. Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left breast - breaking three of my fingers. We had a flat tire, so I pumped and she pumped and I pumped. Then we got out and fixed the flat tire. Then I took her home and as I was kissing her goodnight, her father opened the door and stepped on my back, almost breaking it. As I was giving her a final good-night kiss, she closed her legs and broke my nose.

There's a magical mirror in a a bar that eats those who lie to it. A blonde and a brunette and a red head walk into a bar and discover the mirror. The brunette looks at it and says "wow I think I'm this dress looks good on me." So it eats her. The red head says "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world" So it eats her. The blonde looks at the mirror and says "I think -". *It eats her*