Jokes

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I just had the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your bloody hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm pissed off that you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." (You're going to love the Dad's reply!) "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom please? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight." The Pharmacist gives him the condom but as soon as he does Joey tells him, "Give me another condom because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too." The Pharmacist gives him another condom and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third. "My girlfriend's mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I'm around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move." During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in. Joey lowers his and starts the dinner prayer. "Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given us..." Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, "I didn't know you where this religious." Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied "I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!"

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along. Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy 5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat. A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts: "Dad, if you think you're getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside, 'cause there's a Shriner's convention going past."

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? " Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?" The father says, "I hope you SHOT that sorry excuse for a dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

Son: Dad, I want to get married. Father: First, tell me you're sorry. Son: For what? Father: Say sorry. Son: But for what ? What did I do? Father: Just say sorry. Son: But...what have i done wrong ? Father: Say sorry! Son: WHY? Father: Say sorry!! Son: Please, just tell me why? Father: Say sorry!!! Son: OK, Dad...i'm sorry! Father: There ! You're finished training. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you're ready to get married!

Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad? Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. Kid: Now I understand why grandpa’s hair is all white!

It's dinner time. Mom tell her 4 year old son to give a call to his dad to get home early for dinner together. Mom: "Son, please give your father a call and tell him to come back early, we'll having dinner together" Son: "Yes ,mom." A moment later...dialing... Son:" Mom...someone had pick up the call...but..." Mom: "But what?" Son: "It sounds like a..." Mom: "Any problem with that?" Son:"No mom..." Mom: "So?" Son: "hmm..." Mom: "Make sure tell your dad to come back early..." Son: "Yeah...but...that's not dad, is...a women's voice..." Mom:"What!!!" His mom getting angry with this... Soon,daddy went home. Dad:"Hey darling,I'm back..." Mom(angry): "MAKE SURE TO CLEAN YOURSELF FIRST! DON'T TRY TO LIE IN THIS FAMILY!!!" Dad: "Hey??? What I've done....?" They argue for a long time... Dad goes straight to his room and mom sits on the sofa. After a while... Son: "Mom, please don't angry..." Mom: "Your father betrayed us, he had another women... (mom crying) Son:"Don't cry mom, father won't leave us and the women told me to try later..." Mom: "Gosh!!! what else she told you?" Son: She told me that, "The number you've dial is out of coverage, please try later."

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, “There is a easy way to get what you want.” The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.” The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies, “Please don’t tell your mom here’s $10.” The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.” The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $20 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

There are three men in the military practicing skydiving. The first man jumps out and a swiss army knife falls out of his pocket. The second man jumps out and a kitchen knife falls out of his pocket. The third jumps out and a grenade falls out of his pocket. When they land, they go and look for the things they drop because they could have really hurt someone.The first man is running along the street and sees a little boy crying. "Little boy, why are you crying?" he asks. The boy says, "A swiss army knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat!"The second man is running along a street and sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks. The girl says, "A big kitchen knife fell from the sky and killed my puppy!"The third man is running down a street and sees a little boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy, why are you laughing?" he asks. The boy says, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"

Dad I think the Smiths next door are angry at us.” “Why is that?” “They’re probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can’t.” “How could you possibly know that? We don’t even subscribe to the paper.” “Yeah, that’s probably got something to do with it, too.”

" Dad who built the Suez Canal" " I don't know son" " Dad who discovered penicillin " " I've no idea son" " Dad what's the capital of Italy " " I ain't got a clue son" "Dad you don't mind me asking all these questions do you" "No son, if you don't ask you won't learn anything "

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

The Substitute Tooth Fairy I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

“Dad, the career counselor said that with a mind like mine I should study criminal law.” “That is wonderful, son. I’m proud of you.” “He said I had a criminal mind.”

“How are you getting on with your football, Jack?” “Well, Dad, pretty good. The coach said I was one of the team’s greatest drawbacks!”

A little boy was doing his geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, “Dad, where would I find the Andes? “Don’t ask me,” said the father. “Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room. “How on earth did you manage to do that?” he fumed. “Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”

“So”, thundered Larry’s furious father, “you’ve been expelled from college, have you? “Yes, Dad. I am a fugitive from a brain gang.”

Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? Father: No. Why do you ask that? Son: Well, where did you get mommy then?

Chris had just turned 16 had long hair, and look like Joe Dirt. He went to his dad and asked: "Dad it is my 16th birthday! I would like you to by me a car for my birthday.” So his dad replied, "Son, I will buy you any car that you want as long as you raise your grades AND cut your hair." Chris said ok. The next week, Chris brought home a report card he had raised all his grades from c's and d's to all a's. His father was very happy! Now Chris was so excited he told his dad what car he wanted a, convertible mustang (red). His dad said, "Chris you haven't cut your hair." Chris replied, "Well Jesus had long hair." His dad said, "yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went!"

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home. The father said, "Let's see what you have accomplished..." He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. "What do you have to say about this Johnny?" "Well dad, at least you know I'm not cheating!"

Damien was being severely scolded by his father for fighting. "Now, Damien" said his angry father, "This will not do! You must learn that you can't have everything you want in this life. There must always be give and take." "But there was Dad!" protested the aggressive youngster. "I gave him a black eye and took the apple!"

A family was having dinner and the little boy said,"Dad I don't like the holes in the cheese!" Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of the plate.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and smelled all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. The outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree at the time."

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad." A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ... "as soon as that tractor is paid for..." Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time. His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.