Jokes

Why did the whale like the diver? Because he had flippers.

What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer? A full bull.

Q: Why did the bunny go to the hospital? A: For a hoperation.

Just named my dog ‘Tenmiles’ so now I can say I walk ten miles every day.

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? A: Because they can. Q: So why do they stick their noses in women's crotches? A: Same reason.

Q: How do cows do mathematics? A: They use a cow-culator.

Chuck norris can eat chicken tonight tomorow.

What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat? Shipped beef.

What did the doctor say when a pony came in complaining about a sore throat? "I know what's wrong here; you're just a little hoarse!"

Some say Chuck once sneezed a rhino inside out.

There are two types of ostriches - Grey and Blue. Grey ones scared hide their head in the sand. The Blue ones sit in the bushes waiting for this moment.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still he had no success getting out of it. Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline. The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?" Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk."

I love how all these vegans still drink water. That’s a fishes house you disgusting savages.

A grey goose walks into a bar and says" I'd like a scotch on the rocks." The bartender looks at the goose funny, but goes to get him his drink anyway. The bartender continues to look at the goose so the goose asks, " Hey, what's your deal? Why do you keep looking at me like that?" The bartender says, "Besides the fact that you are a talking goose? Well I actually have a drink named after you? The grey goose replies, "You have a drink named Ron?

Q: What does a cooked chicken and a stoner who is afraid of everything have in common? A: They are both baked chickens.

It's call a Chuck Steak because Chuck just kicked that cow's butt.

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, “Great… he’s 5 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.” When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, “Well Willie, do you have any questions?” “Just one,” gasped the pie-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow.

How do you lead a horse to water? With lots of carrots.

Q: Where does a cow go on vacation? A: An aMOOsement park.

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she set a penguin free from the Bronx Zoo.

My girlfriend just recently got a tattoo of a dolphin on her inner thigh. It’s amazing what tattooists can do these day, when you put your face near it you can actually smell the ocean.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: It'll take a while before I get hard again, I just got laid by a chick.

Is it okay if my parrot watches? Yar!

Q: What do you call an Octopus with no legs? A: A puss.

What do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy.

Q: Why do elephants have four feet? A: In the animal kingdom, six inches just doesn't cut it.

Why did the dolphin feel crabby? Because he ate too many crabs.

Q: What do you call a cow who's had an abortion? A: De-calf-i-nated.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shone his torch around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’ ‘Moses,’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed.  ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’ ‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’  

Whenever we use similes for some reason, we always use animals. And I'll show you what I mean. They say a man's an animal trying to pick up a girl at a bar. He likes to show her he's strong as an ox, sly as a fox, memory like an elephant, can become slippery as an eel, a regular snake in the grass. Girl likes that; she's going home with him. They're snug as two bugs in a rug. So they go home. They hump like rabbits. Unfortunately, he's quick as a bunny. She's depressed. She goes right into the refrigerator. She's hungry as a bear, eats like a pig. He goes to the liquor cabinet, gets drunk as a skunk. He drinks like a fish; he's blind as a bat. Next thing you know, he's out in the street, naked as a jaybird. He's pissing like a racehorse. He goes, 'Screw her. I'm hung like a horse.'