Jokes

What's gray and powdery? Instant Elephant.

When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father. "How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked. Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked-the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

Q: Why do farmers put bells on cows? A: Their horns don't work.

Did you hear about the evil tuna? He was rotten to the albacore.

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?” Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not, Muldoon; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe.  Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.” Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father.  Would ya’ be thinkin’ €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?” Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

What's a rabbits favorite musical? Hare.

I’m an animal in bed. I like to be patted on the head and given food.

Your pussy is in more danger than a seal during Shark Week.

Q: What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in dirt and comes back? A: A dirty double-crosser.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died while drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.

A man is walking through a park when he steps in a pile of dog mess. He pauses to wipe his shoe on the grass and sees another man step into the same pile. ‘I just did that,’ says the man, so the other man rubs his nose in it.

I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at my tire I discovered your cat. Sorry...

Little Susan was helping her mother to set the table, cause her father invited over his company managers. When everybody sat on the table, her mother noticed that a flatware set was missing. "Susan, why didn’t you put flatware on Mr. Marc’s seat?" "I thought that I didn’t have to, since dad told us that Mr. Marc, eats like a pig…"

Japanese biologists have discovered a new species of snail. Apparently they migrate by letting themselves be eaten by birds, and then they’re later shat out somewhere else. To my mind that still sounds more attractive than flying with Ryanair.  

A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act. He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop. There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale. The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.” The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?” “He holds on with his dick.” the clerk answered. The man asks ” How much?” “Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.” The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home. He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work. So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual. When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day. The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….” Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?” “he came in the house…” Furiously, the man asked “And then” “…and then he came into the bedroom…” Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?” “He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!” The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a boner and fell off!”

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

dog owner: max i am sick of you shitting all over the lawn Max the dog: well i don't complain when you take shits in my water bowl

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."

Dolphins are intelligent? If they're so intelligent, get out of the nets.

Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food? He wanted to raised stewed beef.

A man had a party where all the rich people attend. And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes. But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive. So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?" The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in..."

I feel like every nature documentary is directed by a psychopath. "Here's the cutest baby animal ever." "Now let's watch something eat it."

A farmer brought his daughter a little pot-belly pet pig. She called it "Stinky" when she played with it out in the yard, but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty. "Tell me," asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?" "That’s easy," she replied, "Ballpoint is just his pen name."

Yo' Mama is so ugly, her face looks like a horse's ass flapping in the breeze.

Where do steers go to dance? To the Meat Ball.

How about we go back to my place for bamboo and hot panda love? What's the matter, you don't like bamboo?

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

Two whales are swimming along one day, bored. One whale spots a ship and suggests to the other, "Hey, why don''t we swim under that boat, and spurt out water so it tips over?" "Well," says the other whale, "I''ll give it a blow job, but I refuse to swallow any sea men!"

Tarzan is attacked by a lion in the jungle. The animal rips off Tarzan's arm, eye and penis. His jungle friends help him by giving him the spare parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a d**k. Later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him. "Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee." "Why's that?" "It keep picking grass and shoving in Tarzan's ass."

What do dinosaurs put on their floors? Rep-tiles.