Jokes

Do birds really “sing” or are they actually releasing tiny screams because they’re scared of heights?

What is out of bounds? An exhausted kangaroo.

Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly." Student: "A dead bird, sir."

“Now, how’s he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that…?” thought the spider.

Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that a tool is missing, he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Elephant replies: "What does it look like?" Lion: "Well it's got four points on it." Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse." So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Mouse: "What does it look like?" Lion: "Well it's got four points on it." Mouse: "Sorry mate, I've not seen it, try croc." So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Croc: "What does it look like?" Lion: "Well it's got four points on it." Croc: "Sorry I've not seen it, try Jaguar." So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks "Have you seen my tool?" Jaguar: "Of course, I ate it." Lion: "Why did you do that?" Jaguar: "Well I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar."

I can’t afford private number plates so I’ve decided to change my name to v16 5uw.

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

An Indian warrior walks into Starbucks with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.” The waiter says, “Sure chief coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.” The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?” The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

How is a rabbit like a plum? They re both purple, except for the rabbit.

A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job. "Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks. "I can do great bird impressions", the man replies. "Pssh, a lot of people can do that". "Oh well", the man says and flies away.

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.

Q. What do cigarettes and cats have in common? A. They’re both really bad for your health if you put them in your mouth and set fire to them.

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked. "Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!" the farmer answered.

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, ''Dad, what happened to the birdie?'' His dad told him, ''Son, the bird died and went to heaven.'' Then the boy asked, ''Did God throw him back down?''

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He think and think and start scratching his head. The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took down his own hat and saw the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back. Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken all the hats. He remembered his grand father’s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather’s idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said “You think only you have a grandfather”.

Why'd the chicken cross the road? To show the blonde how!

When I asked for the mascaponi special at my local restaurant, i didnt expect a pony Blindfolded.

Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan?

A farmer was bragging. "I've got 350 sheep." "That's a lot of sheep," said another farmer. "And I've got 500 chickens," bragged the farmer. "That's a lot of chickens," answered the second farmer. "And 40 bulls," added the farmer. The other farmer replied, "Boy! That IS a lot of bull."

A snail is paints a big letter S on his car. His friend the turtle ses him and asks why. The snail replies, "When people see me drive by, they can say, 'Look at the S-car-go!'"

Q: Why does a dog stay in a shadow. A: Because it doesn't want to be a Hotdog.

I got to go to a costume party next week. I'm going to dress up as a bear so I can eat beaver.

What is a gorilla's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck." So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe." So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see." So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

Q: Why didn't Smokey the Bear have cubs? A: Every time his wife got hot, he stomped her out.

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified. "Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

What are the spots on black-and-white cows? Holstaines.