Jokes

A mailman meets a boy and a huge dog. ‘Does your dog bite?’ asks the mailman. ‘No,’ replies the boy. And the dog bites the mailman’s leg. ‘You said he doesn’t bite!’ yells the mailman. ‘That’s not my dog,’ replies the boy.

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn’t right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he’ll give them both three wishes. The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet. The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again - poof - all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself. It is time for the bear’s final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn’t waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female. Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ”I wish that that bear is fcuking gay.”

What is a bear's favourite drink? Koka-Koala.

Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear? A. Because every time she got hot, he d beat her with a shovel!

What did the bee say to the flower? "Hi, honey."

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind. The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the poop is so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep." So the two brunettes jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!" And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans… “First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them” “But, mom, why can’t I just eat them the first time around?” “Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the sh!t still inside?”

One day little Bill was playing in the sand out of the sun underneath his front steps. Soon his mother walked up the steps without underwear due to the heat of the day and little Bill looked up and yelled out, ''Mother, what's that black thing that you're carrying under your dress?'' ''Don't worry, Bill, it's just a squirrel,'' she said. So little Bill kept on playing, and soon his grandmother came along, also without underwear, and little Bill looked up and said, ''Grammie what is that hairy animal under your dress?'' ''Ah, it's a squirrel,'' she answered. So little Bill asked his grandmother, ''Why is it that your squirrel is grey intead of black?'' The grandmother replied, ''If your mother's squirrel had popped the nuts that this one has popped, it would be gray too.''

Why are worms great at poker? They have five hearts.

I'm opposed to product testing on animals, especially in cosmetics research. What can we possibly learn from it? So what if a dog looks good in lipstick?

A man enters a little country store and sees a sign reading, ‘Danger! Beware of Dog’. He then sees an old hound dog lying asleep on the floor. ‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’ says the man to the shopkeeper. ‘Yep,’ replies the shopkeeper. ‘Before I posted that sign, everyone kept tripping over him.’

A rabbit walks up to a bear that's sitting next to a tree. The bear asks the rabbit, "Excuse me, but do you have a problem with sh*t being on your fur?" The rabbit, thinking for a moment, replies, "No, not at all." So the bear picks up the rabbit, and wipes his ass with him.

Did you here about the man that died from eating Rocky Mountain Oysters? The bull must have drug him a mile!

When Kermit is broke and has no girl, what happens? … … He tries to pick up a fast greenback.

A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says. "Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!" The man does that. The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" "I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"

Chuck Norris doesn’t ride a horse, he uses his crotch to carry it.

what did the squirrel say to the prostitute when he saw the police? quick grab my nuts !

A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, "Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!" Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, "Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!" When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor. The mother ran over and stomped on it. The boy said to his father, "Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?"

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

You guys familiar with Elliot's Peripheral Extrapolation Theorem? That's the one that states that depending on the size of an enclosure, i.e. an aquarium or terrarium, that the animal, i.e. fish or lizard, that you put in that area will grow depending on the size and the room it has to grow in. And based on that, I've been wearing some very large underwear.

Q: Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head? A: He's been chasing parked cars.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse and that is how the giraffe was created.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bear with a deer? A: Beer.

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm!

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains.   Arrangements were made.  But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."

Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!

Chuck Norris doesn't scroll with a mouse. He uses a lion.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares.

A man walks into his bedroom after work and is surprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination, he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there. "Who the hell are you?" he yells. The naked guy replies, "I'm the moth inspector." "Oh, yeah? What are you doing naked?" He looks down and exclaims, "Oh my God, I'm too late!"