Jokes

i would've slapped you but that would be an animal abuse

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Polar. Polar who? Polar pants down!

there was a zoo that had one animal in it, that animal was a dog, it was a shitzu.

Bartender: Who Are You? I’ve never seen you before… Man: Yeah! I just lost my job and came here for a drink Bartender: What kind of Job? Man: Well. I am a Consultant. Bartender: What’s that? Man: It’s a logical thinker. Bartender: Logical Think, what? Man: Let me explain it with an Example. Do you have a dog? Bartender: Yes! Man: That means you love animals Bartender: True! Man: That mean you love your kids too. Bartender: Yes True! Man: You have Kids, that means you are Married. Bartender: Very True! Man: You love your Kids. You are still married, means you have a beautiful Wife. Bartender: Amazing man! How do you know all these? Man: That’s logical thinking now you are married to a lady, so you are not Gay! Bartender: Impressive! Man: Time to leave. Bye! (About 20 minute later the Bartender’s Boss Comes) Bartender: Boss, you know I met a Consultant today. Boss: Consultant!! What’s that?? Bartender: A logical thinker. Boss: Logical what?? Bartender: I’ll explain it with an Example Boss: Okay! Bartender: Do you have a DOG? Boss: No! Bartender: That means you are Gay!

A dog breeder bred a bulldog and shitzo. He called it a bullshit.

What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits? A cud thud.

Q: What does a blonde do after she finishes sucking c**k? A: Spits out the feathers.

There is this man who has a duck for his best friend and pet. This man takes his duck everywhere he goes. The best thing they like to do together is see western movies, they just love them. While walking down the street one day they came across a movie theater that is playing their all time favorite western, so the man decides to go inside and watch the movie, but the woman selling the tickets says “I’m sorry but there are no ducks allowed in the theater”. The man was outraged and really wanted to see the movie, so he went around the corner and shoved the duck down his pants then goes into the theater to see the movie. Once in, he gets to his seat and pulls down his Zipper so the duck can watch the movie with him. Along come two girls who sit beside him. A short time later the first girl says to the second girl “This man’s Zipper is down” The second girl replies “So what, you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all”. First Girl “Yeah but this one has eaten my popcorn!”

One day, two skunks named In and Out, asked their mother if they could go into a store and play. Their mother said yes, but only for an hour. An hour later, only Out came back. Their mother said, "Out, you'd better go back in and find In." About 10 seconds later, Out comes back with In. Their mother asked how Out found In so quickly. "Easy." Out said. "In-stincts."

Viagra has come out with an animal feed called Viagriculture for use in the barnyard. It makes the roosters feel cocky and the hens lay better.

Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession. At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people. Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks who’s funeral is this? The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.” Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?” He answers, “This is the dog that killed her!” So Tom asks, “can I borrow the dog for an hour?” He responds, “Get on line!”

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”

What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat? A harebrush.

DOG: “Tell me joke” ME: “No, you won’t understand human jokes” DOG: “Ohh sure because humans are so smart and dogs are so dumb” ME: “Knock Knock” DOG “OMG SOMEONES AT THE DOOR, BRB!”

Did you find my horse well behaved? Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!

If a dog sniffs your ass, you're probably a bitch.

If a parrot is able to recite the Lords Prayer does that make it a bird of prey?

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Ell-if-I-no (Hell if I know).

There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says ”That’s the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.” His wife gets a confused look on her face and states ”but honey that’s not a pig its a sheep.” Her husband says ”Shut up pig I’m talking to the sheep!”

The following conversation took place in a park. Person 1 “Is that ur dog?” Person 2 “No I had to adopt him. I spent years trying to make one but in the end wasn’t able to conceive.”

A cat in Florida had its life saved by a blood transfusion from a dog. Unfortunately, it later died from exhaustion after chasing itself around the house.

A man walk into a bar and says, "Give me something to drink just no vodka." The bartender asks, "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies, "Because last night I got drunk and blew Chunks." The bartender says, "Well, it's normal to blow chunks if you drink too much. The man says, "No, Chunks is my dog."

Did Noah include termites on the ark?

The old mosquito puts the little baby’s to bed and tells them: If you are good, tomorrow I’m going to take you to the nudists.

Q: What do you call a black and white thing rolling down a hill A: A maori and a segull fighting over a fishhead.

Q: Why do rednecks' dogs have flat noses? A: From chasing parked cars...

Q: What do you call a fly in a blonde's brain? A: A space invader.

Florida seagulls are really boosting the local economy. Today two gulls flew into a Ford dealership and put a substantial amount down on a shiny new SUV.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.