Jokes

Yo' Mama is so skanky, when yo' daddy suggested doggie style, she laid down and licked her balls.

I was just talking to my grandma and she said that she regrets not learning how to drive, here's what she said "I regret not riding a bike because now I'm stuck with riding a 2 inch rust bucket." and she looked at my grandad. I was like What the actual f*ck!

Johnny's daddy is the principle of the school. He saw his teacher leaving school. Johnny: ''Hey miss where you going?'' Teacher: ''Home.'' Johnny: ''Can I come with?'' Teacher: '' No!'' Johnny: '' I'm gonna tell my daddy!'' Teacher: ''Fine.'' They arrive at the teachers house... Teacher: ''Johnny i'm going to take a shower.'' Johnny: ''Can I come?'' Teacher:''No!'' Johnny: ''I'm gonna tell my daddy.'' Teacher:''Fine.'' They are in the shower... Johnny: ''Can I touch your belly button?'' Teacher: ''No.'' Johnny: ''I'm gonna tell my daddy.'' Teacher: ''Fine.'' Teacher: ''Errr... Johnny thats not my belly button!'' Johnny: '' Thats not my finger.''

My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates. ''What's that?'' asked Jenny. ''Well,'' said Johnny, ''if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.'''

A man and his little girl arrive home after Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. The little girl asks, "Daddy, why do you call your assistant a doll?" His wife glares at him. He explains, "Well, honey, it's a term of affection. She's very hard-working, and Daddy appreciates her efficiency." "Oh," replies the little girl. "I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lay her across your desk."

Girl on Facebook:OH MY GOD i just found out my grandad built the titanic !! Me:Well he didn't do a very good job did he ?

Yo' daddy is so fat the only train he can travel is the GRAVY TRAIN.

Yo' Mama is so fat, yo' daddy only sees the other side of her every 4 years.

Yo' Mama is so fat, yo' daddy is still climbing back off.

Yo' Mama is so fat, yo' daddy needs a Sherpa to help get him on top.

Three boys were discussing their fathers' favorite foods. The first kid said his father loves to eat burgers. The second boy said his father loves KFC. The third boy said his father loves to eat light. The other two boys questioned how his father does that. The third boy replied, "Every night I hear my daddy tell mommy to turn off the light so he can eat it."

A teacher walks into her classroom and turns to the children and says, Today kids im going to ask you what job your daddy has! She turns to the first child and says, What job dose your daddy have tina?? She replies; he is a carpenter miss. The teacher turns to the next child and repeats the question...the child says he is the head of a multi-organic food chain. Very good indeed says miss..........she turns to the next child and says. What job does your daddy have Robert?? He replies... He's a male prostitute miss; and demands 50 quid. No,No,No your lying to me Robert i can tell! Ok then miss you got me i confess......................................... HE PLAYS RUGBY FOR ENGLAND BUT IM TO ASHAMED TO SAY!!!

Dan had a brown filly and a white filly and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor’s Stallion and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son, Johnny, to watch and come in and tell him when the stallion was finished. “Yeah daddy, yeah daddy,” said Johnny. After a while Johnny came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends. “Daddy,” said Johnny. “Yes,” replied Dan. “The stallion just fcuked the white filly.” There was a sudden lull in the conversation. Dan said, “Excuse me” and took his son outside. “Johnny, you mustn’t use language like that in front of my friends. You should say ‘The stallion surprised the white filly’. Now go and watch and tell me when the stallion surprises the brown filly.” Dan went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, “Hey, Daddy.” “Yes, son. Did the stallion surprise the brown filly?” “He sure did, Pop! He fcuked the white filly again!”

yo mama was gone for so long when she came back yo daddy thought she was yo boy friend.

Bully:HEY NERD WHY IS YOUR PANTS STRECHED ALL THE WAY UP YOUR BODY HAHAHAH Class:HAHAHAHHA Nerd:why is your tampon in too far Class:ohhhhhhhhhh Bully:..... Nerd:HA beat that!!! Bully:checks pockets* sorry i ran out of shits to give you Class:OHHHHHH Nerd:shouldnt you be checking your mouth? Class:DANMMMM ITS GETTING INTENSE Bully:shouldnt you be f*cking your boy friend Nerd:no ill stick with your mom Class:OHHH DANMMM OMG bully:thats not possible your gay Class:DANMMM IT WONT STOP nerd:Im straighter than the pole your mom dances on for me Class:DANMMMMMM bully:dont you mean your two dads? Class:OHHHHHHHHH Nerd:no i meant your sister and mom Class:AAHHAHAHAH bully:............ Class:HE HAS NOTHING TO SAY Bully:f*ck you Nerd:shouldnt you be f*cking yourselve your the one with the pussy its easier... Class:DANMMMMMMMMMM OHHHHHH bully:.....

(This is a true account of my advice to my pre-teen a few years back. We all know, for the most part that 5th grade boys haven’t started to develop, yet they are still proud of their alleged superiority and having “something” that girls don’t have, and ages ten and eleven are among the ugliest ages for taunting and bullying during “recess” and on the school buses.) So my ten year old confides in me that a group of boys taunt her every day that she is a “Pirate’s Dream,” with a “sunken chest.” So I asked her: “Who is the ‘ringleader?'” She told me, and I said, “Tomorrow, look him straight in the eye, and respond, ‘You’re a fine one to talk, centimeter peter.’ ” Two days later, she said, “I did you one better, daddy, I called him ‘millimeter peter’ and all his friends laughed at him as he slunk away in shame.” She never had any further trouble and by age 16, she had a more than respectable rack.

My friend:haha you failed Me:so did your dads condom

“Late again,” the third-grade teacher said to little Jeffey. “It ain’t my fault,” Miss Crabtree. “You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is Daddy sleeps without any clothes!” Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Jeffrey what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Jeffrey and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. “You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma’s best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, “That coyote’s back again, I’m a gonna git him!'” “Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!” He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that doublebarrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old black Lab, Hudson, had done woke up and come a sneakin’ up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless old Hudson stuck that cold nose in Daddy’s crack! “Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this morning!”

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day. The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal." The second one says, "That's nothing. My Daddy can eat six." Little Jonny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs." The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs. Little Jonny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing.'"

Me: Dammit i didn't pass my test Friend: HAH, fail Me: :(... Your dads condom was a fail

“We never had a TV in the family when I was younger, ” said my granddad. “Well you have now gramps, ” I said as I adjusted my dress.

During the Iraq War, As a soldier was saying good-bye to his family, his five-year-old son, James, held his leg and started pleading not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. They were beginning to make a scene when his wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, James loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg, **’Hello?’** **’Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?’** **’No, Daddy.** **She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,** **’But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’** **’Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now..’** Brief Pause. **’Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’** **’Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’** **A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.** **’I did it, Daddy.’** **’And what happened, honey?’ ** ‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser****And now she isn’t moving at all!’** **’Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?’** **’He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window****And into the swimming pool.** **But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water****Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause***** *****Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **’Swimming pool We dont have a swimming pool ?  ………..** **Is this 486-5731?’* **No, I think you have the wrong number……..*

“Daddy, why do people hang horses?” asked my daughter. “Nobody hangs horses, darling,” I consoled her in my lap. “Who told you that people hang horses?” “I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse.”

My grandad was talking to me about women the other day he said “never ever go for a good looking women” so naturally is asked him “why not” he said: “Well my boy, if you have a good looking women every man will keep looking at her and one day one of them will turn her head and she will fcuk off and leave you” I replied “yes, but so could an ugly women” To which he said “yeah, but who fcuking cares!”

Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, “Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.” “But mum” wailed the child, “There’s no one to play with.” “OK,” said the mother wearily, “I’ll play with you. What do you want to play? “Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed.” So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed. The boy put on his father’s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,”Now what do I do?” The boy answered, “Get your ass out of bed you whore and fix that kid some fcuking ice cream!”

As I tucked my son into bed last night he said to me, “Daddy, can you read me a story?” “I can’t,” I replied, “The dog ate all of your books.” “Just make something up and then I promise to go straight to sleep.” “I just did, good night son.”

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” … … The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.” … … The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.” … …. The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”

A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?" The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?" The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"