Jokes

The duck police officer says to the duck drug dealer hand over the quack

Harold and Lloyd were speeding down the road when a cop pulled them over. "You were going eighty!" the officer yelled. "Why so fast?" "We have a good reason," Lloyd explained to the cop. "Our brakes are no good so we wanted to get there before we had an accident!"

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, " I would do...anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" Anything." His voice softens. "Anything??" "Absolutely anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

That's humiliating -- you train your whole life to be a police officer; then they put you on a bicycle like some crazed paper boy?

An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head. “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” asked the farmer. The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. “Well yeah, if that’s what they are,” he said. “I never heard of circle flies, though.””Oh, they’re pretty common on farms,” said the farmer. “We call ’em circle flies because they’re always circling around the back end of a horse.” “I see,” said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?” “Oh no, officer,” replied the farmer. “I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.” “Well, that’s a good thing,” said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer continued. “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom. First he goes to get a tux but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he hast to get some flowers so he goes to a florist and there is a huge flower line there. It takes forever but he gets the flowers. Next he heads to get a limo, unfortunately there is a long limo line at the rental office and it takes a long time but he gets the job done. Finally the day of the prom comes and the two are dancing happily and are having a good time. When the song is over she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there is no punchline.

This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal." She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?" He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield." "How much damage did it do?" she asked. "Minimal, however I did get a ticket." "A ticket how did you get that?" "Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket." "What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?" "No, for flipping him the bird!"

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern. “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

This police officer stops this woman on the highway and walks up to her and asks her if she know why he stopped her. … … “No.”, the woman replies. … … “Because you don’t have any tail lights”, the police officer told her. So she get out and walks around to the back of the car and starts crying. … … “It’s just tail lights you don’t need to cry.” … … “It’s not that, …. uhhh, where is my trailer”

“WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!”…said the irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanding to know where her Sunday edition was. … ….. “Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow… on SUNDAY”. …. ….. There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, … …. “Well, crap, that explains why no one was at Church either.”

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?” Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.”

A hillbilly walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for divorce… … Attorney: “May I help you?” … Hillbilly: “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces”. … Attorney: “Well do you have any grounds?” Hillbilly: “Yea, I got about a hundred acres.” Attorney: “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” Hillbilly: “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” Attorney: “I mean, do you have a grudge?” Hillbilly: “Yea, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.” Attorney: “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” Hillbilly: “Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays.” Attorney: “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” Hillbilly: “No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning.” Attorney: “Well, is she a nagger or anything?” Hillbilly: “No she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That’s why I want this dayvorce.”

My Boss described me as “one to watch” in our office. Sadly, he was talking to Security at the time.

The police came over to my house last night after me and my wife had an argument. I said “Officer there’s no reason for you to be here tonight, I’ve already tasered her.”

A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy." When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children." "Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman. "That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker. "Oh, den I uses the last names."

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office. No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

I stormed into the bosses office. “I can’t believe you’ve promoted that wanker Morton! You know I’m more qualified than him!” “I had no choice,” he apologised. “My hands were well and truly tied.” “Orders from Head Office?” I asked. “Nope. He’s got photos of me in a bondage session with his missus.”

If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can't speak English...

A German got pulled over by the police in France. Police officer: “Name?” German: “Heinrich Klimt” Police officer: “Age?” German: “31” Police officer: “occupation?” German: “No, no. Just visiting”

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes - $50.00." A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail. Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves." "How come you don’t stop them?" asked one of the girls. "Well, that’s a little different," the officer replied… "their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00."

Hot Shot Rookie A rookie patrol officer stopped a car for speeding. The driver asked, "Gee officer can't you just give me a warning"? The officer said,"Sure". He stepped back, drew his .357 magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car. "Anything else?" said the rookie.

Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice,”What’s the trouble?” “I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I’ll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a bastard thing!” After apologizing, I got her parcel. “Oh good!” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages!” “What is it?” I asked. “My husband’s new hearing aid.”

There were three guys manhers, shaup and shed. They went for a drive, shed wanted to go to the store to pick up snacks for the ride. So shed went in the store. Twenty minutes passes they were getting impatient so manhers went in what's taking him so long. Minutes later a police officer went to him and asked his name he replied "shaup!" Police officer was startled what he said. Police said "where's your manners boy!". Shaup replied to the officer "he's inside picking up shed*

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer -- I'm an asthmatic. I could hae an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

Me: Can I call an officer a pussy? Cop: No. Me: Can I call a pussy 'officer?' Cop: I guess you could... Me: Goodnight, officer

My boss called me into his office this morning and showed me a piece of paper. He said, “Monday you turned up at 9:13am, Tuesday you turned up at 9:09am and Wednesday you rolled in at 9:20am, this is not acceptable.” “Sorry,” I replied, “But at least I was in at 8:57am this morning.” “Dave, you start at 6.”

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.” I said “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”, The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear jeans pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this fcuking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?… do you understand?!!”I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs…..”Your badge, show him your fcuking BADGE!!”