Jokes

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. Then he turned to his father and said; “Gee, Dad, stork doesn’t recognized me.”

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son. Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?” Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

I like black people . . . . . I used to have some black friends 'till my dad sold them!

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. School lunches stick to the wall. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Dad, why is mother so forgetful? My friend Bobby is from Buffalo, when I asked mom where I came from she said I need to talk with you.

A kid asks his father: Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed? Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.

Bully: That was such a fail! Me: So was your dad's condom!

It wasn’t until my 13th birthday that I realised what a heavy smoker my dad was. Every time a balloon burst the fire alarm went off.

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers: "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color. So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. Hey dad look im white! His dad kicks his ass, and says alright go show your mother. Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the sh1t out of him then tells him to go show his grandma. Hey grandma look im white, she beats his ass (Big Momma style) and sends him to his room. About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this? The kid says yeah ive learned I have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people.

Dad: Hey son want to hear a joke? Son: Yeah! Dad: Pussy. Son: I don't get it. Dad: Exactly...

*Girl is crying* Dad: Why ya' crying? Girl: My boyfriend dumped me! Dad (Grabs shotgun): I'll be back... *A while later, dad comes back* Girl: What the hell! Why did you kill him! Dad: I didn't! Girl: Where did you go, then? Dad: To get you ice cream of course. Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun!? Dad: So I could get it for free!

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

Dad: hey son im going to the store do you need anything? Son: Ya, im going out with this girl and I need some protection, like condoms. Dad: Son... Son: Yes dad? Dad: Your face is enough protection.

Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill?' His Father wrote back, 'Of course it is. Why do you ask?' Martin answered, 'Because it's been so long since I've seen one!'

A math teacher asks a pupil, what are 3, 5, 7 and 11? The pupil thinks for a moment and then replies, "On 3 there is cartoon network, on 5 we have cartoon network, on 7 dad checks out news-bulletin and the channel that comes by pressing 11 on the remote is FTV, which my brother watches late at night."

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question? Father: Sure, son. What's the question? Son: What is politics? Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Tony Blair." Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Gordon Brown." We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "the People." We'll call the maid "the Working Class," and your baby brother we can call "the Future." Do you understand, son? Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it. That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is. Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words? Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of s**t.

My daughter woke up this morning and one of her four hamsters had died. "Dad, I want another one just like it," she said. "Are you sure?" I asked. "Yes," she replied. So I reached into the cage, pulled out a second hamster and threw it hard against the wall.

A boy and his dad are driving to the boys soccer game and on the way the boy asks the dad a question about puberty. Son: Dad, what happens to people during puberty. Dad: Hair growth, penis hardening, and maybe you will gain some intelligence. Son: I guess you haven't hit puberty yet.

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

Here's another sign of getting older, boy: you find yourself saying and doing things your parents said and did. You can't help it. You turn right into your folks, right? I'm saying stuff my dad would say to me. He would say stuff like, 'I want you to have the things I never had.' Apparently, my dad never had a beating.

Idiot: You tell the worst comebacks ever like "you're dad's condom failed" and stuff Me: Clearly you don't know the difference between a comeback and the truth

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

Doctors son: "Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success." Doctor father: "Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly."

A young boy went to a horse auction with his father. He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” The boy, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum.”

Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad? Because they were trans-parents!

Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No.

You can’t please some women. I bought my wife 250 flowers for Valentine’s Day. So what if they spell out ‘Grandad’

Two girls and a boy are playing doctors and nurses behind the shed one day. The little boy suddenly drops his pants and shows them his penis. One girl screams and runs away, the other rolls her eyes and proudly scoffs, "Pfft, that's nothing. My daddy's got two of those." "What?!" says the boy, "Two?!" "Yeah two," replies the girl, "One for going pee pee and another for cleaning the nanny's teeth."

A: How do children in Baghdad do? A: Bombastically.