Jokes

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

Saw a female police officer stripping last night at a club. I had no idea the recession had hit the police force this hard!

Politicians should be limited to two terms. One in office and one in prison

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. “Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?” Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!”

In my office, I tried pushing the envelope… But it’s still stationery.

I walked into the boss’s office and handed him a pear. “What’s this for?” He asked. “A pay rise.” I replied. “My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.”

What has an American police officer and Ronnie O’Sullivan got in common? Average shot time is only sixteen seconds. Less on the black.

I do bigly swear that I will grab the office of president of the United States by the pussy, screw you brown people!!

Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat. They had been out only a short time when Mary said : “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.” “We don’t have to go back,” George replied. “Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.” Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house. Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit - and the superintendent’s balls in his mouth!

I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

A new army computer is put through its paces. An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?’ The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’ The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’ The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’

COP: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least." LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.”

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized." Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'" Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested. "Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs???" "You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer. "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class, was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office; he was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did, and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school."

My wife called me from her work today, and asked “Can you pick me up? And bring some clean pants, I’ve had a little accident.” It turned out the clean pants were for me, because I shit myself when I saw the car parked in her office wall.

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away." Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?" Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that Read: “I’m the Boss!” He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?” “No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”

A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was. Business or pleasure, he asks? Sadness and pleasure! She says to the officer! Why? Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral! My condolences, says the officer! It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through! Not really, this is my pleasure! I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a will for me!

For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation. All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself." And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Turns out if you stand around a government office looking lazy and stupid enough, people think you work there.

A police officer pulled a car over and arrested the driver for stealing the car. When he questioned the driver why he stold the car, the driver explained, "It was parked outside a cemetery and I thought the owner was dead!"

Q: What do u call a police officer that works in bed? A: A undercover cop.

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.

There are 3 guys, a black guy, a white guy, and an Asian guy. they get pulled over by a VERY gay police officer for speeding and he tells them if all together their penises add up to 20 inches, then he will let them go. so they measure the black guy’s penis and its 10 inches. then they measure the white guy’s penis and It’s 9 inches. they then measure the Asian guy’s penis and its 1 inch. since they add up to 20 the officer let’s them go. while they are driving the black guy says “we got away because I was 10 inches” then the white guys says “no it was because I was 9” then the Asian guy says “no it was because I had a boner.

Two women apply for the same office job. One is straight out of university and has a degree in business and the other one has been doing the same job for a different company for three years and has a wealth of knowledge and experience. Which one gets the job? The one with the biggest tits, of course.

One night, a lady with a black eye stumbled into the police station. She told the desk sergeant that she had heard a noise in her back yard and gone to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye. ‘Did you get hit by the same attacker?’ his captain asked. ‘No, sir,’ he replied. ‘I stepped on the same rake.’

My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?” “Not particularly,” I replied.  

Q: What do you call a violent minority? A: A thug. Q: What do you call a violent white guy? A: Officer.