Jokes

Mom: Wherever, we keep the money our son always finds it and takes it where else can we ever put it!? Dad: Hmm.. why don't you just put it in his book's its not like he ever touches them! Mom: Your a genius! Dad: Hell yeah, I am.

My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?" "Led Zeppelin," I replied. "Who?" he said. "Yeah, I liked them too."

Son: Dad what's it like to have the best son in the world? Dad:I don't know ask your grandfather. Son: Yeah, my uncle is the best Dad: ...

A little boy was doing his homework one evening and turned to his father and said, “Dad, where would I find the Andes? “Don’t ask me,” said the father. “Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”

A South Korean family go into a Disneyland restaurant. Dad looks at the menu and says “The 101 Dalmatians please”  

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?" "A jack"

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.” The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny. Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?” “Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.” “That’s great”, said Little Johnny,”coz he’d be fcuked if he needed glasses”.

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their b*tch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a b*tch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b*tch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b*tch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

My fifteen year old son had a date last night with a girl he really likes and he asked me, “Dad, what’s the best way to guarantee a shag?” I handed him two rohypnol and said, “Here son, try these.” A few hours later I found the daft cunt unconscious on his bedroom floor.

“This is my step-dad” “It’s nice son, but why on earth did you build one?”

"Dad," asked son, "What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?" Dad replied ''That's Grandpa!"

Two men are chatting; "My son asked me: 'Daddy, where do children come from?'" "It's not a big deal... Today kids are interested in that matter on the early years." "Yeah men, but the real issue here is that my son is... married... for five years!"

A boy asked his dad, "What's the difference between a woman and a slave?" His father replies, "I don't know, what?" His son says, "No, I was asking a question."

Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.

My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course -- 'cause he's Japanese.

We need to just understand saying 'I love you' to your mom and dad because you only get one mom -- and two or three dads.

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor. Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that. The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

Why are these kids bringing all these guns to school? And the parents never know: 'Oh, we had no idea. We didn't know.' How could you not know that your kids are making 30 pipe bombs in the garage? My dad knew if I broke wind in the backyard.

They want to get back on their kids for screwing up their lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.' 'Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed 'til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.'

My sister was reading out my parents will when she said, “Do you want to hear something funny?” “Go on,” I replied. “Mum and Dad’s house.” “I don’t get it,” I said confused. “I know,” She laughed. “I do…. Funny isn’t it.”

Kid: Mommy can I take a shower with you? Mom: Fine. But don't look up and don't look down. When there in the shower the kid looks up and says: Kid: Mommy what are those? Mom: These are the headlights. Kid looks down and says: Kid: What's that? Mom: That's the garage. The next day the kid takes a shower with his dad. The kid looks down and says: Kid: Whats that? Dad: Thats the car. The next day the kid goes into his parents room and says: Kid: Mommy turn on the headlights, dady park the car in the garage.

He's your basic dad: he has no idea what's going on. He's never done any drugs, but he's burnt beyond recognition.

Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer while discussing football and NASCAR. All of a sudden Bill says, “Dad, I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over six months.” His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says, “Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find.”

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other man will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other man says, "Go home, dad. You’re drunk."

To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland": Dog tags ring, are you listening'? In the lane, snow is glistening. It's yellow, not white I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland. Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wandering vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's my property. Marked up as my winter wonderland." In the meadow dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man, So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine! Straight from me to the fence post, flows my natural incense boast, "Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth, I mark it as my winter wonderland."

A little girl asks his dad: "Dad, how did I get my name?" The dad said, "Well, Rose, a rose fell on your head when you were young, so I named you Rose." Rose's sister comes in and asked "hey dad, how did I get MY name?" And the dad said: "Well, Daisy, when you were young, a daisy fell on your head, so I named you Daisy." Then a mental retard brother comes in and said: "brabrb an rbabra" "Oh hey Brick." Said the dad.

Dad: "Don't hang out with those friends, they'll look up inappropriate stuff on their phones." Me: "Uh Okay I guess I won't." *SILENTLY, TO MYSELF* "What do you think I do all day, dad?"

A little boy asks his dad, “Is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?” His dad replies, “Only if you sit down before the other guy stands up!”

A son asks his mother " Is Jesus perfect?" The mother responds "Yes" Then the son asks " Is God perfect?" The mother responds "Yes" Then he asks "Are you perfect?" The mother says "Yes!" Then finally the son asks "Is dad?" Immediately the mother responds "NO!" The son then says "Why is that?" The mom responds saying "Because he forgot his condom and made you!"

Your momma is so fat that your dad has to climb 15 minutes just to give her a kiss.