Jokes

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Part II WHAT THE NEW JOB-LINGO REALLY MEANS by Dede Molter "CAREER-MINDED": Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE": You'll need it to replace three people whom just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Part I WHAT THE NEW JOB-LINGO REALLY MEANS by Dede Molter "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

Your mama's teeth are so rotten... When she smiles... it looks like dice!

Yo momma's glasses are so thick... When she looks at a map she sees people waving.

Yo Momma is so dumb... She was hiding from burglars behind glass doors!

Yo Momma is so short... That they discovered the 7 Dwarfs in your ancestry!

Your mama is so wrinkled... She started using Downy's Magic Wrinkle Release as a body cream.

Yo Momma so dumb... That she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Yo Momma is so big... When she steps on a digital scale it says: To be continued.

Yo mamma so dumb... ...that she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetic order ...she put paper on the television and called it pay-per-view ...she went to an orthodontist to get a Bluetooth

Yo Momma is so fat, she doesn't need the Internet... She's already WORLD WIDE!!!

Yo' Momma is so fat... The only letters she knows in the alphabet are K, F, C!

Yo' Momma is so ugly... She made my HAPPY MEAL cry!

Yo' momma is so stupid... She tried to save a fish from drowning.

Yo' momma is so big... It take her 24 hours just to get up... And by the time she gets up, it's time to lay back down because the day is over with!

Yo' momma so dumb, that she thinks the word dumb is spelled D-U-M. I approached her and said that there was a silent 'B' at the end of the word. She said, “There is? Well be quiet then. We don’t want it to wake up and start stinging us!”

Yo mamma so dumb, she got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor! Yo mamma so dumb, she fell up the stairs!

Yo momma is so dumb... That she asked me what kind of pants I was wearing, I answered "Guess", and she said "Wrangler?"

Yo momma has no neck... that's why they call her Head & Shoulders!

Yo momma is so big... She is so big that she jumped and got stuck!

Yo Momma is so skinny... she swallowed a marble and it looked like she was 6 months pregnant!

Yo Momma is so dumb... She came out with a bowl after hearing it was chilly outside!

Yo momma is so ugly, that your daddy stays home just so he don't have to kiss her goodbye!

Yo Momma is so ugly, she made the Illuminati close it's eyes!

Yo momma's so big that when God said let there be light, she had to move out of the way!

Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked, "What's new?"

Yo momma's so lactose intolerant, human kindness makes her throw up!

Yo momma's teeth so yellow, she makes cars slow down.