Jokes

Jesus and Moses are out playing golf one day. When they come to the 14th hole, which is a particularly nasty 310 yard, par 4, with a water hazard in front of the green. Moses leads off, and drives a beautiful shot straight down the fairway, laying-up 10 yards short of the water hazard. Jesus steps up to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going for the green. I saw Arnold Palmer make this same shot last year”. Moses advises Jesus he’ll never make the green, and to lay-up short. Jesus tells Moses, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer make this shot, and I know if he can do it, so can I”. So Jesus tees up the ball, hits it, and watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus turns to Moses, asking him to please part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses parts the waters, allowing Jesus to retrieve his ball. Jesus comes back to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going to try it again. If Arnold Palmer can make this shot, I know I can too”. Jesus tees up his golf ball, hits it, and again watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses says OK, and parts the waters, so Jesus can retrieve his golf ball again. Jesus comes back, and once again tees up the ball telling Moses he can make the shot, because if Arnold Palmer can do it, he can too. Moses tells Jesus, if he hits the ball into the water this time, he’s not going to help him get it back. Jesus takes a mighty swing, and watches the ball fall just short of the green, once again landing in the water. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters, and Moses tells him no, he had to retrieve the ball on his own. So Jesus walks out onto the water searching for his golf ball. About this time, the follow-on foursome approaches the 14th hole, and sees Jesus walking on water. One of the foursome asks Moses who the guy walking on water thinks he is! Jesus Christ? Moses responds, “no, Arnold Palmer”.

I don’t know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day... When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden. Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart. Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced.... "I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!

A little kid goes grocery shopping with his mother. They separate for a short time. Then, being lost, he says, “Martha! Martha!” Short time later his mother rushes up and hugs him. She says, “Why did you call out Martha, Martha, I am your mother?” The kid says, “There are a lot of mothers in the store, better chance you’re the only Martha.”

I was six years old when my daddy took me for my first airplane ride. We boarded the plane and I got the window seat. After a short while I turned to daddy and exclaimed, "Daddy! We're so high up all the cars on the freeway down there look like ants." Daddy moved over and looked out the window. After a moment he smiled and said, "Those are ants my dear, we haven't taken off yet."

Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees. “How nice,” I said. “Grandma has a great spot here in the shade.” My daughter replied, “Mom, aren't they all in the shade?”

Some preteens were hanging out near the entrance to the local hardware store. "Let's do something dangerous," said Billy. "Like what?" asked Joey. "See all those brooms hanging up in the window?" answered Billy. "I dare one of you to take one of those and run out of the store." Freddy replied, "What would that prove, Billy?" "How brave we are. It'll be just for fun. And we'll return it right away and apologize." "Then why don't you do it? Just go in there and grab one of those short brooms," said Joey. "Aw, I was just kidding, guys," replied Billy. "I'm not a whisk taker!"

Knock Knock! Come in.

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand." Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.

A lawyer phones the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaims the lawyer. The governor’s assistant wakes the governor and hands him the phone. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbles the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” begs the attorney. “Well, it’s okay with me if it’s okay with the undertaker,” replies the governor.

A very well dressed and dignified lawyer called a plumber to fix his flooded bathroom. When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of overalls and took off his cap with the words “Blue Collar Man” on the brim. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed lawyer smirked in a condescending way and said: "Interesting cap! And do you usually need a change of OVERALLS?" The plumber just smiled. When he was done the plumber gave him the bill, and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck. He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed. He asked the lawyer if he knew of any friends who might want the job. The lawyer raised his eyebrows and pointed at his suit, his shoes and his office: "Now, do I LOOK like someone who would have a plumber for a friend?" "You're right. A high class white-collar guy like you would never know plumbers." said the plumber apologetically. "Exactly! After all, I have high standards!" sneered the upper-crust lawyer, as he checked his shoes to make sure the shine was still perfect and carefully tightened the knot of his tie. When the plumber returned, he entered the lawyer's office and there in the garbage can were the lawyer's brand new mirror-polished $700 Brooks Brothers capote business shoes, with the black silk socks rolled up and tucked neatly inside. On the floor was the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit the lawyer had been wearing, with attached paisley suspenders, as well as the natty Hermes silk tie and the matching pocket square, monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex. His law degree and briefcase were also piled up next to them. The plumber went in and the first there was the lawyer in overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out. The plumber tapped on the soles of the lawyer's feet. The lawyer looked out, with the “Blue Collar Man” cap on top of his hundred-dollar haircut and sweat streaming down his face. He pointed at the bill and said, "You found your assistant".

The arithmetic teacher proposed the following to the class, "If there are three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?" After a short time, Little Johnny shouts out, "Two left." The teachers response, "I'm afraid you don't get the point. Let me repeat the joke. There were three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left? Johnny replied again, "Two left." Teacher, "No, none would be left, because when one is shot, the other two would fly away." Johnny, "That's what I said, TWO LEFT!!!"

A lonely kayaker wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone that doesn't meet his standard. He described what his future soulmate should be like: the young lady must be cute, short, enjoys cold water and paddling. A couple of weeks later he received the following in the mail: a picture of a penguin.

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out, "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife... Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet! Inspector: What is her height? Husband: I never checked, she's five feet something... Inspector: Slim or healthy? Husband: Not slim, she can be healthy. Inspector: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Inspector: Color of hair? Husband: Changes according to season. Inspector: What was she wearing? Husband: Not sure. It may have been a suit or maybe shorts. Inspector: Was she driving? Husband: Yes. Inspector: Tell me what kind of car she was driving? Husband: A black 2015 Corvette Z06, with supercharged 6.2 liter V8 engine generating 625 horse power teamed with an eight-speed track certified HD automatic transmission with paddle shifters and a removable carbon fiber roof pan!

Shortly after their honeymoon a wife came up with a list of the changes she wanted her new husband to make. Trying to please her, he agreed to change. A year later, after numerous changes, his wife started complaining he wasn't the man she married. Go figure.

One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" my daughter's husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" cried my daughter a short time later. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp."

Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was. The husband replied, "In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing." The judge turned to the wife, "Have you anything to say?" She answered, "It's been six weeks, your honor."

A woman had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow," said her husband, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the wife.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Change a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelin's. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up... Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

My wife and I went on vacation to a fishing resort. I liked to fish at the crack of dawn. My wife liked to read. One morning I returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although my wife wasn't familiar with the lake, she decided to take the boat and enjoy the beautiful morning on the water. So she took the boat out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside my wife and said, “Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?” “Reading my book,” my wife replied, “Isn't it obvious?” “You're in a restricted fishing area,” he informed her. “But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?” “Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape,” snapped my irate wife. “But, I haven't even touched you,” groused the sheriff. “Yes, that's true,” she replied with a slight smile, “But you do have all the equipment.” MORAL: Never argue with a redhead.

One night, a man's wife wakes up in the middle of the night and finds that her husband isn't in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him in the kitchen sitting down at the table. He doesn't look so happy, so she asks him "What's wrong honey?" He says, "Well, if 'I will' is the shortest sentence, does that make 'I do' the longest sentence?"

Shortly after reporting to the 101st Airborne Division, we were ordered to fall out in our dress uniforms. Only problem was, I didn't know how to tie a necktie. So I asked the guy in the next bunk for help. "Sure," he said. "Lie down." Confused, I lay down on the bunk and he tied my tie. "Sorry, but this is the only way I know how," he said. "Comes from practicing on my father's clients." "What does your father do?" "He's a mortician."

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.” The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

A young Navy officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, a combat veteran and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, you wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."

"I am overjoyed ! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free. I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once. I am sooooo excited I can hardly get my ski mask on...."

One day a woman called an auto mechanic to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied, "bring it right in." A short time later the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit. "Wow!" remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit." She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. "But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained. "That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just pull your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this." "But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer. "No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars." Finally, the fellow bought the suit, pulled his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. "Good grief," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor fellow." "Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"

A woman had been selling waterbeds for almost four years, and thought she had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked, "Can you deliver it filled with water?" Stunned, the woman replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!" After a short pause, the customer responded, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"

Mr. Bolton was proud of his lawn and gardens, but the sidewalk bothered him. Some of the tiles were stained, some showed different levels of wear and some just looked old. He had a brilliant idea, "Why not paint the sidewalk?" So he went to the local hardware store and found a cement paint that was labelled light grey. He rushed home, got out a paint roller, and in a short time he had the walk completely painted. When it dried, it was beautiful and bright and looked brand new. He deemed the project a success, but it does have one draw back. Visitors and the mail man now walk on his lawn so as not to stain the sidewalk.