Jokes

At the court of a small provincial town, a lawyer calls his first witness, an old woman around 80 and he asks her with a professional style: "Do you know me, Mrs. Rowland?" "Of course, I know you Mr. Smith! says the old woman. I know you since you were little, and I have to confess that I am very disappointed in you. You lie, you cheat on your wife repeatedly, you gossip about your clients. Of course, I know you!" Speechless, by the unexpected answer, the lawyer points with his finger on the other side of the court room and says: "Do you know the defense lawyer?" "Oh, yes! I know Mr. Soft as well. I was holding him in my arms when he was a baby, and I can say that I am disappointed in him, too. He’s a drunk and a gamester. He finds it hard to develop a normal relationship with anyone and he is one of the worst lawyers of our town!" At that point, the Chairman interrupts the process and demands from the two lawyers to approach the bench. When they do, he bends over and whispers to them: "If any of you jerks, asks if she knows me, you’re screwed!"

Who does the cooking in a lesbian relationship? Neither of them. The both eat-out.

I used to have a relationship with a blind girl which was rewarding but really challenging. It took me ages to learn how to copy her husband’s voice.

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

We live in a society where the relationship status on Facebook is more official than a wedding ring.

That awkward moment when… you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction.. That awkward moment when… someone tells you to stop clicking your pen, but you have to click it one more time to use it That awkward moment when… somebody is cross-eyed and you dont know which eye to look at. That awkward moment when… the guy who discovered milk had to explain to the village what he was doing to the cow. That awkward moment when… someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low. That awkward moment when… you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to the person behind you. That awkward moment when… someone isn’t txting you back and then you see them update their status from mobile… That awkward moment when… The your chair makes a farting noise & no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again. That awkward moment when… you change your Facebook status to ”single” and your ex ‘Likes’ it. That awkward moment when… your teacher is helping someone with their work, and her ass is in your face That awkward moment when… you go to a friends yard sale .. and you see the gift you got them for their birthday is for sale! That awkward moment when… the someone says ”you two should go out!” That awkward moment when… Your at a friends house and thier dog won’t stop sniffing your crotch. That awkward moment when… you look up from your phone and the person you have been following around the supermarket isn’t your Mom. That awkward moment when… The awkward moment when you attempt to tickle someone’s armpit and end up feeling the moist on your fingers. That awkward moment when… that awkward feeling when you accidentally drop your phone in the toilet after using it, then take a deep breath and decide well I got to get it now. That awkward moment when… two people start a conversation on your facebook status. That awkward moment when… you’re talking to yourself and start to smile like an idiot because you’re so hilarious. That awkward moment when… When you start telling a story and you realize no one’s listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything. That awkward moment when… you realize you used the status bar instead of the search bar! That awkward moment when… you post a funny status on Facebook and someone has to ruin it by commenting being all serious! That awkward moment when… when you tell a joke and nobody laughs then a few seconds later they all get it… That awkward moment when… someone asks you whats wrong and they are the problem That awkward moment when… That awkward moment when your dancing, then you turn around & you realize someone has been watching you the WHOLE time. That awkward moment when… you get hung up on and you continue the conversation alone to attempt to fool the other people in the room.. That awkward moment when… you do a math problem, and your answer isn’t even one of the choices. That awkward moment when… you are in the grocery store and someone is standing in front of the item you need, so you pretend to look at something else until they move. That awkward moment when… …that awkward moment after you call your girlfriend the wrong name. That awkward moment when… you think you wrote a great status and then nobody likes it….. That awkward moment when… you hold the door for someone and you’re left standing there for an eternity because they move at a turtle’s pace. That awkward moment when… U look in a car window to fix ur hair.. after standing there for 5 minutes… you see someone in the car… That awkward moment when… you struggle to open the door at the Gym That awkward moment when… your trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water came out That awkward moment when… the weirdest kid in school is in a relationship and you’re still single. That awkward moment when… you mistakenly thought that a stranger from across the room was trying to get your attention and you pointed to yourself and mouthed the word “Meee?” That awkward moment when… a guys t*ts are bigger than yours That awkward moment when… an ugly person says “I need my beauty sleep” when they really need to hibernate… That awkward moment when… you’re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep. That awkward moment when… you accidently send a flirty message to your girlfriend when it was supposed to go to another girl That awkward moment when… Adele finds someone like you That awkward moment when… you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.

Signs Your Cop Partner Needs A Vacation: 9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar. 7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot. 6. He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop". 5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat. 4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers. 3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles. 2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel. 1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

If you're in a long term relationship, there's nothing better for you as a couple than to be out of shape because, eventually, you just get to the point where it's like, 'Well, honey, looks like we've eaten ourselves into a monogamous relationship.' Nothing says I love you like, 'Pass the gravy.'

Relationships are like fat people, they never workout.

Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about it. In order to keep money flowing into our institution we've created a summer program that any slacker could pass. New Course Offerings for the Summer Session: THEORIES OF TIC-TAC-TOE: Should you pick X or O? The answer isn't as complicated as you might think once you've learned the theory. Learn techniques that the pros use, and play with confidence. Pre-Requisite: the movie "War Games" THE DECLINE OF ROMAN ORGASMS: What happened to the pleasure of the Roman woman after 33 A.D.? Using archeological evidence and experiences from her own marriage, Dr. Lisa Cecil uncovers an entire era of faking it. Pre-Requisite: Bitter Relationship DRAWING CONCLUSIONS: Using our creative instinct to doodle on things labeled "work," we'll literally draw conclusions. Pre-Requisite: Motor Skills MUSIC TO THE EARS: Like the Sound of Music? How about the sound of doing nothing for two hours a day for credit? Pre-Requisite: FOOD TO THE STOMACH also, be on the lookout for . . . THE ORIGINS OF BEGINNINGS -- An Introductory Course THUMBS UP, THUMBS DOWN: post-modern film criticism THE ECONOMICS OF ARCADES: finding change for a dollar THE STATISTICS OF POLLS -- A survey course.

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. [2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. [3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! [4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash. [5] A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms. [6] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. [7] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later. [8] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it. [9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. [10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. [11] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. [12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me. [13] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others. [14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. [15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. [16] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. [17] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. [18] Real friends are the ones who nds up with the same boss. [18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books. [19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. [20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something [21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak! [22] Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come. [23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! [24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. [25]It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. [26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. of resting before you get tired.

I’m feeling a bit down. I have been for a while now. I have no family and very few, if any friends and admittedly have never been good at relationships (no one has ever stayed in my life long enough I suppose to show me how. ) So, as an adult, I feel like I fail at friendship. I can’t make or seem to keep a friend and especially more than one. No one ever thinks to invite me to go anywhere or do anything. I had no parents growing up, I was abused, both physically and verbally the majority of my life. At this point I have begged, yes begged people to be in my life. I feel like I’m the problem. I’m so lonely for friends that I’ve threatened to move and start over but realistically that’s impossible. I know you have to be a friend to have a friend but no one (locally) seems to want to fill that void. I’m tired of begging and I’ve felt like the plague for the last few years. I don’t know what to do. I’m so unhappy about my situation that I could and have cried. I can’t have children so I can’t have my very own family. I feel like my entire life is missing because I lack many of life’s greatest blessings. What do you suggest? Signed, feeling blue……………. answer I think you should join the Police

Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.

“You’re so childish” screamed the wife. “Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends, this is ridiculous, this relationship is over!” “This relationship is what? Over”

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: “I am very good in bed “. That is Direct Marketing. You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: “That guy over there is very good in bed “. That is Advertising. You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: “I am very good in bed “. That is Telemarketing. You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: “Do you remember how good I am in bed? ” That is Customer Relationship Management. You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: “I am very good in bed “. That is Public Relations. You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: “I heard you are very good in bed “. That is BRANDING!!”

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways… At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Not right now, it’s all booked up for the next six months.'”

Ten Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say …… …. …. 10. What do you mean today’s our anniversary? … 9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV. …. 8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big. … 7. And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska! … 6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being “just friends.” … 5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? … 4. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there. 3. Is that phone for me? Tell ’em I’m not here. 2. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress. 1. Hey, pull my finger!

People get fired for robots. I hope that doesn't happen with comedy. You'll come to a comedy show, there'll be a robot on stage. 'For family jokes, press one. Relationship jokes, press two. For penis jokes, press deez nuts.'

Here's a big thing if you're dating or in a relationship: for God's sake, communicate with one another. It's so essential to any good relationship. Let me tell you what happened in my relationship. Six months into the relationship, I find out she only speaks Spanish.

Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships. Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.

“A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes.”

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. “Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?” “Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?” “Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?” “And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?” “Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?” “Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your tits twice a day, but only fcuking you once a year, wouldn’t you go fcuking mad, too?”

Ex: Gosh I hate you! Your soon fake. Ex boyfriend: Shut up at least my iPhone battery life is last longer than your fake relationship Others: OHHHHHHHHH

I met her on the Internet, she said her name was Kiki, I spoke to her one Saturday, it soon became twice weekly. I liked her face, her pointed chin, the way she touched her hair, I loved her smile and glinting eyes, and all beyond in there I longed to meet her desperately, but only could I dream, of seeing her in the flesh and not just on the screen I booked my flight and flew for hours, I was feeling so elated but finally, when we met her face looked devastated Why was this? I could not think. Of course, I should have told her I’m really only 4 feet tall, and my head’s a lot more balder. It always seemed too good for real, the honeymoon was over, I reluctantly went home again, and wept as I flew over and soon enough , I did groan, the relationship had ended she broke my heart the wretched bitch, and still it hasn’t mended there is a happy ending though, for after I lost Kiki, I fell in love with Annabel who doesn’t find me geeky Anna is a lovely sight, she makes me warm inside I have to blow her up, you see cause she’s my latex bride

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye. Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates." A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?" "I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John. John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son." Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

Worth readin…Lawyers should never ask grandma’s a question if they aren?t prepared for the answer… At a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’re a big disappointment to me! You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you!!!!!!!!!! The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He’s lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him!!!!!!” The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: “If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to jail for contempt of court.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’ The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’ She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’ The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.