Jokes

A guy asked his very good friend if you could stop over to his place and spend a little time working on his computer. His friend agreed and turned the system on. When he turned on the PC he had an unpleasant surprise. He asked: ”Why is the display completely black?” His friend answered: ”The PC is mourning his video card...”

Why is it always login on a computer or logout? Why not add the option... Unsure?

Q: Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain? A: Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!!!!

Q: Why was the computer so cold? A: Because it forgot to shut its window

While Bill waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married and you’re on your way to San Diego.” Bill stood there dumbfounded. Another man put in a quarter and the computer read: “You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.” Bill said to the man, “Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?” “Yes.” Replied the man. Bill was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego.

You know it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with your computer when…. You wake up at 3 o’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and you stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You move into a new house and you decide to Netscape before you landscape. Your family always knows where you are.

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities.” Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.”

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it. “At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

As Computer Tech I sometimes help clients over the phone. Here is a recent phone dialogue I had with one of my customers. Tech: Workshops can I help. Customer: My dog is not barking, how can I make it bark. Tech: I am sorry mam but this is not SPCA Customer: I know that but how can I make the dog on my computer bark. Tech: Do you mean a dog in a computer game or something? Customer: I mean a small dog that comes on when I type in Microsoft Word. Tech: Are your speakers on? Customer: No Tech: Turn on your speakers and you will hear your dog barking when it barks Customer: Ooooh why didn’t I figure that, thanks so much

A man calls technical support for his computer. (M = Man) (T = Technical support) M: Ok, the screen is blue and it says windows has been shut down because an error has been detected. T: All right, press ctrl alt delete. M: Now what? T: Does it say press any key to continue? M: Yeah, why? T: Well, lets see, hmm.....PRESS IT!!!! M: Wait let me find it first. T: Just Press Any Key!!! M: I'M TRYING TO FIND IT...! T: When it says any key it means to press ANY key... M: Oh wait. I found it he he... T: What does it say now? M: Sorry the 'Any' key you have pressed does not exist, please click any key. T: Well, what are you waiting for? M: I'm still looking for it. T: I though you found it? M: Yeah I did but the 'any' it was spelt 'enee' now its spelt 'any' T: ..."

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

A blonde walks into a store that makes curtains. She says to the clerk, "I would like curtains the size of my computer screen. The clerk says, "Why the size of you computer screen?" The woman replies, "Because I've got windows!"

The best part about computers is that they make very fast, specific mistakes.

Computers can never replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

The businessperson told a nervous client to think of the computer match up service simply as “dater-processing”

Computer Problem Report Form 1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________ __________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__ 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ 7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes__ 10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ 11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__ 12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ 13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ 14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________ 15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________________________________ 16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________ 17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in. __________________________________________ 18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ 19. How does this problem make you feel? __________________________________________ 20. Tell me about your childhood. __________________________________________ 21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__ 22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__ Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.

Q. Why did the spider cross the computer keyboard? A. To get on the World Wide Web.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?" Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine," Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

The owner of a small computer store was getting tired of fixing the exact same problem over and over on computers for people...one day 3 customers came in at the same time. He looked at them all and said. Everyone one of your computers gave me this error message "Error you have a syntax IDtenT error.and asked them to right it down. All of them got out their pens and wrote IDtenT error, he smiled then told them. No that's not how you write it is the number "10". So they all wrote it again...ID10T error

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'. Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens? Customer: 'Tried but nothing” Tech Support: “What key did you hit? After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when.... 1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed. 2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems. 5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail. 6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer. 8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed. 9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask. 10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape. 11. Your family always knows where you are. 12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL". 13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

"My computer isn`t that nervous...it`s just a bit ANSI. Terminal glare: A look that kills... Life would be much easier if I had the source code Computers are only human. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. "

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

10) E-Mail flames from some guy named 'Fluffy.' 9) Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8) You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 7) Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 6) Your mouse has teeth marks in it...and a strange aroma of tuna. 5) Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of 'CyberDog.' 4) Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3) You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2) On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. 1) There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!" The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION: LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season BYTE: What them dang flies do CHIP: Munchies fer the TV MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all" RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

The 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of the Internet. 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived. 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet. 7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. 8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear what is happening on the Web. 9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on my computer. 12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some time....and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Things to do While Downloading A File On Your Computer: · Buff your mouse pad  · Make a list of things to download  · Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem  · Count to 500 in "click" language  · Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!)  · Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter

Signs you've had too much of the '90s Part I 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, "Do you fancy going down the pub?" and they reply, "Yeah, give me five minutes". 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. 7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail". 9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line. 13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket. 16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise. 17. You learn about your redundancy on the 6 o'clock news. 18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes. 19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

Why did the computer go to the Dentist? Because it had a Blue-Tooth.