Jokes

Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad… Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree! Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds! Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft? Bob: I think so… Little Johnny: Yeah, that’s my father’s balls.

Dad came home one day in an exceptionally hot mood and took his wife upstairs for some fun. Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry. “What’s wrong, son?” the father asked. “Why are you crying?” “You’re hurting my mommy,” the little boy replied. “No, no,” the father reassured. “I’m not hurting her. We are making babies.” This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went back to their business. The next day the father came home from work and found his son on the steps, crying. “What’s the matter NOW?” asked Dad. “It’s those babies you were making with Mommy yesterday,” the boy answered. “The mailman is upstairs eating them!”

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically,so he asked his dad. His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000." He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes". "Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question." He did and came back and said, "She said yes." And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing." He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!" And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!"

Me: I hate walking to school. Dad: Well, when Abraham Lincon was your age, he walked 12 miles to get to school! Me: And when Abraham Lincon was your age, he was president.

My Dad is obsessed with The Beatles, he’s got all but one of their albums. I think he needs Help.

Samson was a biblical tough guy, but his dad Samsonite was even more of a hard case.

You might be a redneck if, your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Dad: "Say 'daddy.'" Baby: "Mommy!" Dad: "Come on, say 'daddy!'" Baby: "Mommy!" Dad: "F*ck you. Say 'daddy!'" Baby: "F*ck you. Mommy!" Mom: "Honey, I'm home!" Baby: "F*ck you!" Mom: "Who taught you to say that?" Baby: "Daddy!" Dad: "Son of a b*tch."

While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess." The girl then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

Baby boy: *Gurgling* Mother: Aww, you're soo cute I'll give you a kiss Dad: Let me as well Baby boy: Ha, GAYYYYYY! Dad: ... Dad: Where did he learn that?

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture of a cat. “That’s a pussy,” she said. “Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy. Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her son a picture of a dog. But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine, opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle. “There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.” Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son

Billy, learned at school that everybody has secrets. So, he decided to take advantage of it. One day, as he came home from school, he went in front of his mother and told her: "Mommy, mommy! I know everything!" His mom, obviously scared to death: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your father about it, okay?" "Okay mommy!" says Billy and leaves the room with a big smile on his face. When his dad came from work, he did the same to him as well: "Daddy, daddy! I found out everything!" Numb, his father puts his hand on his pocket: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your mother, okay?" "Okay!" says Billy with a bigger smile on his face. The next morning, on his way to school, he sees the Postman. He thought he could try it to him too: "Mr. Focker, I know everything!" The Postman, the minute he heard it, fell on his knees and wide opened his arms: "Then, come... Come closer... My son!"

Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing. His mother asked "What's the matter?" "Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer," he said through his tears. "That's not so serious," his mother said, "and a big boy like you shouldn't cry about that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" cried Johnny.

“Dad, what’s a Tranny?” asked my eight year old. “I’m surprised someone your age knows that word, son,” I replied. “It’s an old name for a portable radio.” “Now tell me,” I continued. “What do you think of my new dress?”

A boy and his dad are talking.. “Hey Dad.” “Yes son?” “Did you ever get shot in the army?” He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad’s eyes, and he quietly replies; “No, but I was shot in the leggy.”

Hey! I don't have a mom, me and my dad share yours.

A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gay. He asks his dad, “What does gay mean?” “It means happy.” “So dad, are you gay?” the son asks. Dad replies, “No son, I have a wife.”

Son: dad dad a kid told me I am gay Dad: well kick his ass Son: oooh nooo he is so cute

Boy: hey baby, maybe you should come over and I can show you a good time. It's really hard ;) Girls dad: this is Serena's dad, what exactly will she be doing with something hard? Boy: oh... Hey mr Gonzales I was wandering if Serena wanted to come play video games with me on hard mode. Girls dad: well Serena isn't have now but I could come over and try, I love video games. Boy: I don't think it's hard anymore...

one day dad and his son taking a bath suddenly son fall down but survive by caught his dad penis,and dad smile looking his son down and say if it was your mom you will lose teeth

If my dad could see me up here now he'd be very impressed. But you know, I'm sure wherever my dad is now, he would be looking down on us. He's not dead just very condescending.

Your dad'll whack you a couple of times and move on. You piss off your mom: their eyes roll back, that third lip comes down. She whipped me with a dog collar one time -- dog still in it.

Why do mexicans walk around the school like they own the place? Cause there dad built it and there mom cleans it at night.

On a men's bathroom wall, someone had hastily scrawled, "I slept with your mother." Underneath it, another person had written, "Go home dad, you're drunk."

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: "Can I see your dad?" Johnny: "No, he's in the shower." Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?" Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too." Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?" Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

I caught this cunt in the pub looking right at my wife’s arse in a queue and invited him outside. Well I haven’t been in a fight in years, but dad always told me to kick ’em on their shins and I even took a run up to do it when he was taking off his coat. Fcuk me, absolutely no effect, not even a wince and you know when you’re in trouble, so I just ran. At first he chased, at one point gaining on me, but I said a little prayer and then thank fcuk, an act of God and he stopped dead in his tracks…. He’d got a puncture on his wheelchair.

My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend. He said, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks dad, that means a lot,” I replied. “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

So there I sat with my parents watching a hot romantic movie and just then the guy in the movie started kissing his girl and touching her all over. We all knew what was coming up next but I was determined not to get out of the room. I glanced up to my father and saw that his eyes had become deadly red and yet I continued to sit. Just as the guy was taking off the girls skirt,my dad looked up at me and yelled,”Boy go and iron the car!!

My dad was a bigot. He was prejudiced to the core -- and the one race he truly hated the most were the humans.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, hides in the closet and watches. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there. The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yeah it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s out there.” Man: “okay, fine, how much?” Boy: “$250” The next few weeks it happens again that the little boy and the man are in the closet together. The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yeah it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball glove.” The man remembering last time asks the boy, “how much?” Boy:”$750″ Man: “Sold” A few days later the dad says to the boy, “Go grab your gloves and lets go play a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and gloves.” The dad then asks, “How much?” The boy says, “$1,000” The dad says, “That is terrible to overcharge your friend. That is way more than those two things cost. I am takin you to church, to confession.” They go to the church and the dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that sh1t again.”