Jokes

A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his one to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four." "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after, let's say 10?" "A jack."

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

Johnny asked his mom how to deal with a girl at school who liked him a lot. His mom told him to find out how she really feels. Johnny asked how to do this and his mom told him to beat around the bush. Johnny then said, "what, just like you and dad do??"

There were three tomatoes: a mum, a dad and a son. The son lagged behind and fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him, "Ketchup, son."

Teacher: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? Father: No. Why do you ask that? Teacher: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

When I was a kid, my dad use to say: “Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried.” Probably why I fail my driving tests.  

I’ve just put some holes in my dad’s condoms. I really need some help doing the dishes.

An old man lived alone in Tasmania. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.   Dear Jase,   I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year; I’m just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.   A few days later he received a letter from his son.   Dear Dad,   For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.   At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.   Dear Dad.   Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase.

One day, little Suzie was strolling around the house and just happened to pass by her sister’s room. She heard her sister say on the phone to her boy friend. “Your such an as***!” and she hung up. Suzie asked what as*** had meant and her sister sayin “Uh… it means… uhh.. boyfriend!”. Suzie is delighted to hear a new nice word. Then,She was walking past the bathroom where her dad was shaving. Her dad had cut himself and yelled “SHIT!” Then turniing around saw little Suzie ask what shit means. Dad, being quite shocked answered “It uhh.. It.. It means shaving cream.” Then, Suzie walked downstairs to help her mom with the dinner turkey. Suzie’s dad’s boss was coming to dinner tonight. When Suzie went in the kitchen, her mom accidently cut herself yelled”F***k!”. Suzie asked what f***k meant and mom replied ” it..it..it uummm…it means cut… yeah, cut.” Just as mom said that, the doorbell rang and asked Suzie to go and get it. When Suzie opened the door, her dad’s boss was standing there. Boss asked” Well hello young lady! Can I ask where your family is? ”Then Suzie said” Well, my sister’s upstairs talking to her as*** on the phone, my dad’s in the bathroom wiping the shit off his face and my mom’s in the kitchen f***g the turkey!”

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad

When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

My Mom + My Dad - Condom = Coolest Person Ever

Q: What's the difference between a black guy and a white guy? A: A white guy can say "Hey Dad" and "Good morning officer".

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.” “Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.” “I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

I picked up a girl for a date from her parent’s house. “Make sure she’s home by 11” growled her Dad. “Relax. I’ll have her back by 10 if you like” I replied. “Oh, okay” he said, lightening up. “It may be even earlier, to be honest. I’ll bring her back once I’ve fcuked her”.

Little boy to his dad “why do they say gardeners have green fingers when they aren’t green ?” Dads answer “the same reason thieves are said to be caught red handed when their hands aren’t red, they are black

Two boys argue over whose parents are better. The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad." The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom." The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Son: Are ghosts real? Dad: Of course not. Son: But the maid said they are. Dad: Son pack your bags….we don’t have a maid

A text chat: Dad: You are the best son I could ever ask for Me: You're the best parent I could ask for Dad: Woops that was meant for your brother Me: Woops, that was meant for your wife

Boy texted his dad saying Boy:I got expelled Dad: WHAT WHY Boy: cos we had this lesson about bulling and the teacher said sticks and stones may break my bone but words will never hurt me Dad: and Boy: so I threw a book at her face and it broke her nose Dad : lol that's my boy

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?" "I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny." "That's not going to work." "Why not?" "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, “OOh dad, there’s one.” “No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.” Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, “Hey dad, she’s plenty big enough.” “No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.” About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.” “No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.” “Why not?” asked the son. “Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”

Dad: Can you go get me a drink? Kid: Cola or Pepsi? Dad: Cola. Kid: Normal or dietary? Dad: Normal. Kid: Bottle or Can? Dad: Bottle! /: Kid: 1L or 0.5L? Dad: Screw it, just buy me a water! Kid: Normal or carbonated? Dad: NORMAL! Kid: Warm or cold? Dad: Get out! Kid: Now or later? Dad: I'm going to kill you ! Kid: Knife or gun? Dad: Gun! Kid: In the head or body? Dad: EFF THIS!

A son challenged his boastful father to a game of golf. The son was determined to beat his father in golf for the first time. On the very first swing, the father got a hole in one. “Okay, nice shot dad," said the son, thinking quickly on his feet. “Now I will take my practice shot and then we will start.”

My dad is retired now, and he moved to Florida. And it's really great to be able to finally go down and visit him now that he's finally able to do those things in life that he's always wanted to do, which apparently is start drinking at noon and then head on out to buy me ugly shirts.

My Dad just had a stairlift installed in the house. Its driving him up the wall.

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don't answer him. - Michael, 14 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14 Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9 Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14 Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9 Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9 If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15 Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10 Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8 '

My son’s friend has HIV. He bought him round at the weekend. As he went to shake my hand I quickly declined. My son whispered, “Dad, you can’t catch HIV by shaking hands.” “I know son,” I replied, “but he’s black.”