Jokes

There once was a little boy and a teacher, and the teacher said "You better learn your ABC's tonight little kid." So the little kid went home and asked his mom,"Mom, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" And she said, "Quiet I'm on the phone!" So he went to his sisters room and asked,"Hey sis, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" She said,"Oh yeah!" Wanting to learn more, he went to the his brothers room and asked," Yo bro, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" He said ...BATMAN! Then he went outside and asked the garbageman,"What's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" So the garbageman said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE. The next day he went back to school and the teacher asked the little kid," Did you learn your ABC's yesterday?" And the little kid said,"Quiet I'm on the phone!" So the teacher asked,"Do you want to go to the principal's office young man?!"He said,"Oh yeah!" Off he went to the principal's office and the principal said, "What's your name sir?" The little boy said, ... BATMAN! Then the principal asked," where do you live?" So the little boy said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE!"

There was a little girl named Fufu. She went to school one day and her teacher said, "How do you spell your name?" The girl replied, "F.U. - F.U." Her teacher sent her to the principal's office. She got to the principal's office and he said, "First off, how do you spell your name?" She said, "F.U. - F.U." He said, "YOU ARE SUSPENDED!"

One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused: “Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?” Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute, she was back. Another girl was shocked by how she could actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so fact.The girl responded, “It was a prank call.”

Teacher- Alright kids pick up your trash and clean up any mess. Me- Ok guys lets go lift up the teacher in put her in the trash can.

A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living. Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said. Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Teacher: What happened in 1869? Student: Mahatma Gandhi was born. Teacher: What happened in 1873? Student: Gandhi was four years old

A very tall ninth grader was acting up in class. His teacher told him, "Act your age, not your shoe size." The boy looked down at his size 14 shoes and said, "But they're the same."

It is near the end of the school year.  The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can   do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,  "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right  Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "BILL CLINTON.  CAN I GO NOW?"

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly. The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him. Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation." The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging a**hole you are!"

There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, one named Dick, and one named Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pee jumps around outside. The teacher returns and yells, "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"

Teacher: You know you cant sleep in my class Kid: but maybe if you were a little quieter I would

On the first day of school, a teacher asked her class, "Who here is a Mets fan?" Every student knew that she loved the Mets, so they replied bye raising their hands, except for one girl, Rosie. The teacher asked, "Who do you like, little girl?" Rosie replied, "I'm a Yankees fan and I hate the Mets." The teacher asked why and Rosie told her that her parents were Yankees fans, so she was too. The teacher said to the class, "So if Rosie's parents were idiots, what would that make her?" Rosie chimed in, "A Mets fan!!!"

After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and reminded them, "You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And why is that?"  Little Johnny offers, "Miss, it's so we wouldn't wake all those people sleeping."

Why'd the boy eat his homework? His teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

A teacher wanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers’ profession or trade and to spell such profession or trade. The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie." "Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front. Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter. "Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front. Tim said: "My father is an electrician, and you spell it: E -E- L -K… E- L- E-K…." Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why don’t you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, we’ll have Peter come up and tell us about his father." Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-O-O-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet, 9 out of 10 that Tim would not spell ELECTRICIAN."

Kid- Can I use the restroom? Teacher- May I use the restroom! Kid- Hey I asked first!

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees. She explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later, the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Johnny - at the back of the class - put his hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up.My big sister just got a little baby and she said it came from a black pecker at the beach!"

One day in class, the teacher was teaching the kids the vocabulary word of the day. … … … “Ok class, the word for the day is definitely. Can anyone use it in a sentence?” she asked. … … Straight A’s Sally in the front row raises her hand and says, “The tree is definitely green.” … … “Sorry Sally,” says the teacher “but since the tree has a brown trunk it is not definitely green. Anyone else?” … … Timmy in the middle of the class raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.” … … “Sorry Timmy, but since there are clouds in the sky it can’t be definitely blue. Anyone else?” … … After a few minutes little Johnny in the back row raises his hand and says, “Is a fart wet?” The teacher steels herself for another session with Little Johnny’s vulgar mouth and says, “Excuse me? What was that Johnny?” Johnny replies, “Is a fart wet?” “Well no.” The teacher says. To which Johnny replied, “Well then I definitely shit my pants.”

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. Teacher: What is this? Kid: It’s a drawing of a cow eating grass. Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where’s the grass? Kid: The cow ate all of it. …Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where’s the cow? Kid: It left because there was no more grass.

In kindergarten, he had a little crush on his kindergarten teacher, which I think is normal. I think for just about everybody, at some point in your life, there's one teacher you had a secret crush on. For me, it's my wife's aerobic teacher.

Teacher: The best medicine is laughter Kid: I guess your face must be curing the world Class:OOOOHHHH By-@ky

Kid: "please could I go 2 the toilet" teacher: "say the alphabet" Kid: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz" teacher: "where's the p?" kid: "running half way down my leg"

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way. A short while later he returned to the class room and said to the teacher "I still can’t find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had been at the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy left the classroom together and five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats. The teacher asked Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy was quick with his reply. "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

Teacher to student: Arnold what is the most popular answer to the teacher's questions? Arnold: I don't know ma'am. Teacher: ''Correct!'''

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely hear the child speaking since the other kids were making too much noise. In an attempt to quiet them, she said, ''I can hear voices!'' Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the other, ''Jeez, she better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!''

One day a teacher told her students to draw a train on a railway track for homework. The next day when the teacher started checking everybody's book, she came up to Little Johnny. "Show me the homework," she demanded. Little Johnny showed the teacher his notebook with only a picture of railroad tracks. The teacher asked, "Where is the train?" Little Johnny then replied, "You came late so the train went away."

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’ Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’ She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’

My mom's a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, 'Look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.' And then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. She said, 'You're going to college.'

Little Johnny’s teacher was teaching the kids about starvation. Being a good teacher she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board. Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle. The teacher said, “that’s very good Sue. What is it?” Sue said, “that’s a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that …represents starvation.” Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle. The teacher said, “that’s good Dan. What is it?” Dan said, “that’s a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation.” Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggely lines all over in the circle. The teacher said, “that’s good Johnny. What is it?” Johnny said, “that’s an a-hole with cob webs…….. If that isn’t starvation, I don’t know what is.