Jokes

"Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?" "Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"

Boy: dad can i take a shower to? Dad: no. Boy: but its my birthday. Dad: ok but dont look down. Boy: (looks down) what is that? Dad: its a lamborghini. Boy: ok. Boy: ( later on) mom can i take a shower to? Mom: no. Boy: but its my birthday. Mom: ok but dont look up or down. Boy: (looks up) what are those? Mom: headlights. Boy: ok (looks down) whats that? Mom: a garage. Boy: ok. Boy: ( later) mom and dad can i sleep with you. Dad: ok but dont looks under the covers. Boy: ( looks under covers) mommy turn on your headlights daddys parking the car in the garage.

Feminists. Because every bitch with dad issues isn’t hot enough to be a stripper.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he brought his cat to school. … … Little Johnny replied, “Because my dad told my mom he’s going to eat that pussy when the kids go to school…. I’m trying to save my cat!”

Dad: Why are your eyes so red? Son: I was smoking marijuana Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot

After 3 years of marriage, me and the wife had our first real fight last night. I called my dad for advice on how to fix things. He told me to apologize and admit I was wrong. I was really looking for advice on how to dispose of the body.

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

Now that I'm a dad, I'll call my dad, ask for advice. He always says the same thing, 'How'd you get this number?'

There was a father and two sons. The sons were called Ikey and Mikey. They stayed in their apartment while their dad went to the store. Unfortunately, their dad forgot the keys to his car. He shouted to Ikey, "Throw my key out of the window!" And then Ikey threw Mikey out of the window.

A mom, dad and their two sons watch TV. The dad gives the mom a look, and they head upstairs. The two little boys wonder what they are doing and go upstairs to take a peek. "Well," says the older boy, "remember this when mom gets on your case for sucking your thumb."

Dad says to his son, "Don't mast*rbate to much because you will go blind." Son say, "I'm over here?"

what did the redneck say to the stripper........ "call dad, he worries sis"

little johnny's teacher was warned before the start of school to never make a bet with him. she understood. school started and little johnny bet his teacher 50$ that he could guess what color underware she had on. she said " ok after class come to to me and tell me your guess. he said ok. during class the teacher slipped out to the bathroom and removed her underware. after class little johnny told his teacher his quess. he said blue. she said nope i aint got none on. she hiked up her skirt to show him. he said ok here is your money, but its fine i bet my dad 100$ that i could see your pussy by the end of the day.

son: I got an ipad daughter: I got an ipod mom: I got an iphone dad:.....Ipaid

Dad: Hey son, how much feet do two chickens have? Son: Four. Dad: How much teeth do two cats have? Son: I dunno. Dad: Strange, you know more about cock than pussy.

This black boy was in the kitchen and got flour over him, he ran up to his mom and yelled look mom I'm white! Them mom slapped the boy told him to go tell his grandma so he did and his grandma kicked him in the balls and told him to tell his dad the boy said "but he's on death row for killing the little white boy! The grandma looked at the boy and said exactly!

My daughter has got a reputation for being a slut. I said to her, “People don’t want to buy the cow when they can get the milk for free.” “You’re right, dad,” she replied. “From now on they can fcuking pay for it.”

The afternoon before the wedding, the groom Josh and his dad Dave are sharing a drink among the guests. Dave makes a bet with his son… … … “$500, even money, that I can shag your mother tonight more times than you screw the brains out of your new filly,” dad says. … … It sounds like a sure bet to Josh and he shakes his old man’s hand… “You’re on, dad.” … … The wedding and reception go off without a hitch. Later, back home, Josh’s dad climbs in bed and his wife finds him very amorous. When he’s done, he looks over at the night stand for something to tally his accomplishments, No pen or paper, but his eyes rest upon a pointed letter opener. Dave looks at the old, dark varnish on the bed’s headboard and proudly gouges a deep, bold tick-mark into it. …. … After a short snooze Dave nudges his wife and they go at it again. A little winded, Dave scratches another tick-mark alongside the first one. … …. Dave falls asleep again, but wakes up, determined not to lose the bet. It takes him quite a while to climax, and he is quite out of breath. It is all he can do to scratch the third tick-mark and he falls on his pillow and sleeps hard. … … About 11AM, he is shaken awake by his son. “Dad! Dad! my wedding night was fabulous! How about - ” Josh stops mid- sentence looking at the headboard. … … “Wooohoo, dad! ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN??? Wow, you beat me by three!”

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Dad: Hey Son! do you need anything from the store while I'm here? Son: Yah, can you pick up some condoms? i have a date tonight Dad: Son.. Son: Yah dad? Dad: You realize you cant get your hand pregnant..... Son: .....

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same. 1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose. 2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there. 3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess. 4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun. 5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages. 6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public. 7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls. 8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches. 9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm. 10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt. 11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy. 12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises. 13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row. 14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Man comes home to find his 17 yr old daughter with a d*ldo up her. "What are you doing," he shouts. "Well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute," she explains. The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a d*ldo up his arse drinking a can of beer, "What are you doing," she shouts. He replays, "Having a beer with your boyfriend."

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me." "Can you tell me what comes after three?" "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven," answers little Johnny. "Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," answers little Johnny.

When I was a kid my dad told me “I’m fcuking sick of getting socks for my birthday!” “You ungrateful man!” I replied. “It’s the thought that counts!” I could tell from the look in his eyes he’d have kicked my head in. If he had legs.

“Did I come out of mum’s tummy?” asked my son. “Yes son.” I said. “I know it’s hard to believe but five years ago you were in there.” He looked at my missus slouched on the settee. “Dad? Are there still some people in there?”

So this kids dad walks into his sons room and says, "Did you know if you masterbate too much you will go blind?" His son says, "Hey dad, I'm over here."

My father never slept, never slept -- oh, he used to rest his eyes quite a bit. He'd never admit he was sleeping... So I tried to throw this back at him: 'No Dad, I'm not ignoring you, I'm resting my ears.' 'No Dad, I'm not drunk, I'm resting my ability to make sound decisions.'

My daughter said, “Dad, can my new boyfriend come for tea?” I said, “That depends sweetheart, what’s his name?” “Corey” She replied. “Corey what?” I asked. She said, “Corey Ossity.” I said, “I suppose so, but don’t let him near the cat.”

Johnny walked into class with a black eye. Teacher: what’s wrong? Johnny: my house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night, my dad asks, “johnny are u sleeping?” Then i say No and he slaps my face and gives me a black eye. Teacher: tonight when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet and dont answer. The following morning, Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again. Teacher: My goodness! Why the black eye again? Johnny: dad asked me again, Johnny are u sleeping? & i shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mum started moving, u know, at the same time mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, “are u coming?” Mum said, “yes, i’m coming, r u coming too?” Dad answered, “yes.” They dont usually go anywhere without me so i said, “wait for me, I’m also coming!”