Jokes

Wife is the knife which cuts the life but there is no life without a wife.

1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Did you ever notice that musicians play and doctors practice but the rest of us work for a living!

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

My car is so fast the payments are three months behind.

My wife enjoys sports and anything else that calls for an argument.

Some people have no respect for age unless it’s bottled.

A skeleton once wanted to go to a party but then he realised he had NO-BODY to go with.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A philanthropist is a man who gives away what he should be giving back.

Talk is cheap….. if lawyers don’t do the talking.

Women are the quickest to learn the three R’s. This is R’s, that’s R’s, everything’s R’s.

Everybody should pay their taxes with a smile, said Bob. “I tried it but they wanted cash.”

“If you got guts.” Sell your car and become a pedestrian.

The hottest cars travel faster than sound. You’ll be in the hospital before you even start the motor.

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?

They say that married men live longest. It's ironic, since they're the ones most willing to die.

The economy is getting so bad; the other day my ATM gave me an IOU.

What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean? Nothing; It just waved.

There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any

A man who says he’ll go through anything for a woman usually has her bank account in mind.

Many a young man is looking for an older woman with a strong will – made out to him

Two gold fish are in a tank one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

As seen on a car bumper: “Driver does not carry cash. He is married”

How can you tell that managed cared has cut into your doctor’s income? He takes Friday off to play miniature golf.

When I had my surgery, the doctor gave me a local anesthetic. I could not afford the imported kind.

Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

Q: What does a stamp say to an envelope? A: Stick with me and we'll go places.

Bumper sticker: "Last Christmas I got a new rifle for my wife. Good trade, don't you think?"

Dieters know this: A waist is a terrible thing to mind!