Jokes

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence. Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall." The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors." From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

A first-grade teacher can't 
believe her student isn't hepped up about the Super Bowl. "It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?" "Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too," says the student. "Well, that's a lousy reason," says the teacher. "What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?" "Then I'd be a football fan."

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake. "Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?" William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!" And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary." Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question. "Who died on the cross for our sins?" William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!" Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Teacher: Can you touch God? Student: No. Teacher: Can you see God? Student: No. Teacher: Then there isn't a God! Student: Can you touch your brain? Teacher: No. Student: Can you see your brain? Teacher: No. Student: Ooh, okaaay, then you don't HAVE a brain!

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide rule, and a calculator. … … … At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. … … … “Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, “Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. “They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

Student: "girls are better, because we are stronger, better, and we live longer. what do you have to say to that?" Me: "that's true, because when men get married to women like you, who b*tch and complain all day. they beg to god to die faster." Teacher: *bursts out laughing*

One day johnny's mam asks the class, "Which part of the human body goes to heaven first?" Suzi said, "Well, it's our hands. We do all the good things with our hand, so they are bound to go to heaven first." Teacher says, "very good. Anybody else?" Rocky says, "Well, it's our heart. We think all the good things with our heart, so it's bound to go to heaven first." Teacher says, "very good. Do you want to say something, Johnny?" Johnny says, "Our legs go to heaven first." Teacher, not getting any clue says, "How comes it, Johnny?" Johnny says, "Yesterday night, I was passing through my parent's room, & there was my mom,-legs high in the air- screaming 'Oh God! I am cumming'"

Teacher: Why are there rings on Saturn? Kid: Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it. Teacher: Saturn was not a single lady.

A teacher asks her students what religious objects they have in their homes. One boy answers, "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it." The next little boy says, "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it." Then a third boy pipes up, "In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams, 'OH MY GOD!!!'"

Joey and Katie are sitting in school. Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question. "Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil. "Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie. "Correct." Says the teacher. So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims. "Correct again." Says the teacher. So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?" Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

Teacher: Can you see god? Class: No. Teacher: Can you touch god? Class: No *Student raises hand* Student: Sir can you see your brain? Teacher: No. Student: Can you feel your brain? Teacher: No Student: Okay then obviously you dont have a brain! :)

Ok, so there this girl sleeping in religion class The teaches asks the class "who is our lord and savior?" The boy behind the girl pokes her with a pen and she screams jesus christ! The teacher says "good, now who created the earth in seven days?" The boy pokes the girl again, she lest "oh my god!" The teacher says "good, now what did Eve say to Adam after their 11 child? The boy pokes the girl one more time and the girl yells "if you poke me with that ting one more time im going to break it off!"

"Mommy, tomorrow I have an oral exam, and one question the teacher will ask me is 'who made you?' What should I say?" asked John. "God made you, dear," replied his mother. The next day, when the question came up, poor John forgot what his mother had said. So, he explained, "Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it was my Daddy who made me, but then Mommy said it was someone else... and I can't remember the guy's name."

Teacher: Why are you talking? Little Johnny: Well God gave me a mouth so I'm allowed to use it.

I found thousands of pictures of men sucking cocks on my son’s computer under the file name ‘homework’. I’d like to see how his teacher is going to explain this at parents evening.

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. "Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Halloween Funnies V What kind of cereal do monsters eat?- Ghost-Toasties Mommy, mommy, teacher keeps saying I look like a werewolf.- Be quiet, dear, and go and comb your face What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?- A wash and wear wolf What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?- They boo-kle their seatbelts What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?- Count Duckula What game do little cannibals like to play at parties?- Swallow the leader Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?- Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's

Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit!

I was asked by my teacher, "What was Adolf Hitler's book called?" Apparently, Adolf Hitler and the Gas Chambers of Secret wasn't the correct answer.

How did the Vikings send secret messages? By norse code! Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opneder? He had a bee in his suit of armour! Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is? Pupil: I expect it’s around Hadrian’s garden miss! Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights!

During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him. Teacher asks, "Johnny, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body." Little Johnny after thinking for a while says, "I saw a dead body cycling to school."

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

MY WORST TEACHER EVER! True Teacher Story 1 Teacher - I DON'T CARE HOW OLD YOU'LL GET, YOU'LL NEVER BE SMARTER THAN ME! Me - If you're so smart, why did you become a teacher?

Teachers: Where's your homework Student: At home having more fun than me

*In grammar class* Teacher: HE does not like girls. What is 'He' in this sentence? Drew: He GAYYYYYY.

Kid: Mom I got detention Mom: what for sweetie Kid: Well, my teacher asked for my paper I got a 66 on Mom: So? Kid: She said " Give me the D" Mom: So?... Kid: So I did Mom: I don't see why you got detention Kid: I know right? and what's with the rape charges Mom: what Kid:what

Student:can I go to the washroom Teacher:write a note in your agenda Student writes:explosive diaryha