Jokes

Three women are seated in the doctor’s office waiting room one day. The doctor calls the first one in. When he examines her, he sees a big “Y” on her chest. He asks, “Why do you have a big “Y” on your chest?” She replies, “That’s from my boyfriend’s sweater. You see, my boyfriend went to Yale, and when we make love he likes to wear his Yale sweater.” “I see,” the doctor says. He completes her examination and then calls in the next woman. When he examines her, he sees a big “H” on her chest. Again, the doctor inquires about the letter. “How did you get a big “H” on your chest?” he asks. The woman replies, “That’s from my husband’s sweater. He went to Harvard, and when we make love he likes to wear his Harvard sweater.” The doctor nods his head and completes her examination. He then calls in the last woman. She also has a letter on her chest, a big “M.” “Don’t tell me,” he says. “Your boyfriend went to Michigan!” “No,” she says. “My girlfriend went to Wisconsin.”

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?” He replied, “To the kitchen.” She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” “Sure.” Then his wife asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” “No, I can remember that.” “Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that,” his wife said. “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She replied, “Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down.” With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He went into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said, “You forgot my toast.”

Definitions... MARRIAGE: It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters. LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either. CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power! DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage. CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read. SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight! OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes. ATOM BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions. DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. MISER: A person who lives poor so that he/she can die rich. CRIMINAL: A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught. BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and then shakes your confidence later. DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and then kills you by his bills.

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, [the complainer] said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.” My husband and my vet don’t like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other. Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, “Your wife’s pussy(cat) is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God knows who the father is!” And he closed the door.

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no.”" the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear." "That’s what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let’s do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office. "Well, how’s the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made." "What’s wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!"

The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant. “Doctor,” she explained, “the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.” The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. “Young lady,” he finally announced, “no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven’t any milk!” “Of course not!” she shrieked. “It’s not my child, it’s my sister’s!”

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

A man walks into doctor’s office. “What seems to be the problem?” asks the doc. “It’s… um… well… I have five penises.” replies the man. “Blimey!” says the doctor, “How do your trousers fit?” “Like a glove.”

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it’s finally her turn. She enters the doctors’ office and sits down. The doctor asks her, “Well, what can I do for you madam?” The patient blushes and the doctor sees that apparently she is embarrassed. “You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential.” “My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?” “Sure”, the doctor says, “It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment.” The woman undresses, gets up the table with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards here, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand an a 7 foot wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?” shouts the patient. “Nothing”, says the doctor, “I’m just going to open the roof window a little.”

Two mental patients were walking next to a swimming pool. One jumped into the pool and the other jumped in to save him. Their doctor saw the rescue and called the rescuer to his office. "Due to your actions, it appears your mental state is fine," the doctor said to the patient, "You can go home to your family, but before you do, you should know that the person you saved hung himself today." The patient replied, "He didn't hang himself; I hung him there to dry."

A man goes to his doctor's office to get his penis enlarged. The doctor comes in with a tray of penises, and the man says, ''You got any bigger ones?'' The doctor comes in with another tray, but the man still wants something bigger. The doctor comes in with yet another tray, and the man finally says, "I'll take one of those. But do you have any in white?"

This patient runs into his psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam, no I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam, no I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam!" The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "You're too tents!"

Doctors -- "Take off your clothes." Dentist -- "Open wide." Hairdressers -- "Do you want it teased or blown?" Milkmen -- "Do you want it in front or in back?" Interior decorators -- "Once you have it all in, you'll love it." Bankers -- "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." Police officers -- "Spread 'em." Mailmen -- "I've got a package for you." Pilots -- "I take off fast, but bring it in slow and steady." Hunters -- "I love going deep in the bush."

Redneck went to the doctor Anant's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose. "Why not?' asked Redneck "Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor Anant "But I need it really bad,' said Redneck "Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor Anant Redneck answered, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a triple dose." On Monday, Redneck dragged himself in to the doctor's office, his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" Redneck said, "No one showed up."

Sign seen in a veterinarian’s office: The doctor is in. Sit. Stay.

Gay Ray goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “Ray, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.” Ray is devastated. “Doc, what can I do?” “Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.” Ray asks bewildered, “Will that cure me, Doc? ” Doc says, “No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your fcukin’ arse is for.”

A man walked into his doctor’s office on Friday and asked for a double dose of Viagra. “What do you need it for?”, the doctor asked. “Well, my ex wife is coming over tonight, my girlfriend is coming over Saturday and my wife gets home from her business trip on Sunday”, he replied. On Monday, the man walks into the doctor’s office with his right arm in a sling. “What happened?” asked the doctor. “Nobody showed up” said the man

I have unfortunately developed a medical condition. I don't know if any of you people have ever heard of it, it's called 'office ass.' You get it from sitting on your ass and eating M&Ms all day. It's at a pretty advanced stage right now. So, I looked in our benefits brochure to see if they cover, and they don't, which I just find so rude because I definitely got it at work.

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. Distraught, she asked her husband to unscrew the seat and drive her to the doctor. When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic surgeon she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he can. The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time she returns to the surgeon’s office to have the bandages removed and the stitches taken out. After examining her, the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone well, and she seems pleased with his work. The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a rage. “You know what you did?” she screams. “You gave me a man’s ears.” “Well,” says the surgeon, “an ear is an ear. What is wrong? Can’t you hear?” “I hear everything,” she says. “The problem is I do not understand anything I am told.”

A  man walks into a doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note says: ‘I can’t talk, help me!’. The doctor thinks for a while and says to the man: ‘Put your dick on the table here.’ The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as the doctor said anyway. The doctor takes a rubber hammer (which is usually used to test someone’s reflexes) and hits the poor man’s dick with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..’ and the doctor just says: ‘Good, come again tomorrow and we’ll learn B!’

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself. Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion. "What's going on here?" "I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.” “What is HAGS” the man asks. “It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis” says the doctor. “Oh my God” says the man. “What are you going to do?” “We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.” “Is that going to help me” says the man. “No” says the doctor. “But it’s the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?” “He said you’re going to die.

The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.” The alarmed warden says, “Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police. With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first - it looks as if it might be measles.

An elderly couple arrives at the doctor’s office for their yearly physicals. One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examining room, starting with the husband. “Well, Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape for a man your age,” says the doctor. To which the man replies, “Well, Doc, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink and the good Lord looks out for me.” “What do you mean?” asks the doctor. The old man replies, “Well, for instance, last night I got up from bed to use the bathroom, and it was the good Lord who turned on the light for me so I wouldn’t fall down.” “That’s nice,” says the doctor, somewhat confused. “Would you please send your wife in now?” The wife comes in and the doctor says, “Mrs. Smith, you’re in great shape for a woman your age.” To which she responds, “Well I ought to be. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. . . .” The doctor interjects, “And the good Lord looks after you, right? Your husband just said the same thing.” “What are you talking about?” asks the bewildered woman. “Your husband was just telling me that very same thing. He said the good Lord looks out for him. For example, last night when he got out of bed to use the bathroom, the good Lord turned on the light for him.” “Damn it!” she yells. “I knew he was pissing in the fridge again.”

A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me; I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass." The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”