Jokes

It is better to be healthy than wise... Being sick costs you money, but you can be dumb for free.

Keep a very firm grasp on reality... That way you can strangle it at any time.

It is not an optical illusion... It just looks like one.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose... That is, until you lose!

A man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

I never made a mistake in my life! I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

I like work, it fascinates me... I can sit back and look at it for hours...

Where is the place pencils like to go for a vacation? Pencil - Vania!

Marriage is mind over matter... If the husband doesn’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

You know the job market is really bad when you can't even get hired as a volunteer!

What's a budget? A 'Budget' is basically a method for going broke methodically.

Apathy Error: Don't even bother striking any key.

I wonder when Jim Henson got into an argument with his wife, would he say, "Talk to the hand!"?

A penny for your thoughts... Or $20 to act them out!

Two rules to success in life... 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

The one nice thing about narcissists is that they don’t talk about other people!

We are here on earth to do good unto others... What the others are here for, I have no idea???

I once had an hourglass figure... Unfortunately, the sands shifted.

Question: What do you call a 'Handyman for Hire'? Answer: A 'Multi-purpose Tool'...

Time takes its toll... So please have exact change!

Whichever traffic lane you change to will always move slower than the one you left... This also applies to the lines you stand in as well.

Sponges grow in the ocean . . . I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn’t happen?

There are only two things in the world that a child will willingly share... A communicable diseases and mom's age.

The trouble with talking too fast... Is that you might say something you haven't thought of yet!

"You have to work on this, you can't keep arriving late for work." "The trouble with getting to work on time, is that it makes the day so long."

They say we learn from our mistakes. That's why I'm deliberately making as many as possible. Soon I'll be a genius!

Why are there always more last minute details to attend to than there are actual last minutes???

Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain the credit card bills?

Death and taxes are inevitable... But at least death doesn't get worse every year!