Jokes

Teacher: Get off your phone. Kid: I'm not on my phone. Teacher: Yes, you are. Seriously, nobody just stares down at their crotch and smiles.

Nerd 'answers his phone in class' popular kid 'what was that your gay buddy' Nerd 'No it was your hot girlfriend' Class&Teacher 'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose. Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it? Teacher: Technically. Yes. Student: But it doesn't even taste like that... Teacher: what? Student: what?

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?" Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left." Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think." Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?" Teacher: "Sure." Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?" Teacher: "The one sucking the cone." Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board. Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

teacher catches a boy jerking off and says "omfg what the heck are you doing boy" boy replies :- ma'am i want you to help me . teacher :- what the f*ck son get the hell outta here . teacher walks meanwhile boy throws banana wrapper !! boy:- see i got you on your knees b*tch , now swallow that .

We live in a culture where a prostitute on the street can earn more money than a school teacher. That's disgraceful. We have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' The principal' s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough. "That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!" On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

*everyone in class talking at once* Teacher: *yell's* WHY DO I HEAR TALKING James: *yell's* CAUSE YOU HAVE EAR'S YOU DUMB ASS BITCH! Teacher: James's can you please step outside of the class for a minute *kid's in the back with air horn's make MLG horn sound's* I legit no joke did this at school :)

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

why was the guitar teacher arrested? WHY? because he was fingering a minor

There is this third grade class with this kid named Rotten Reggie in it. One day, the teacher decides that she will ask the class one question every Friday and the student who gets it right can stay home from school on Monday. The whole class thinks this is a great idea -- especially Reggie. On the first Friday, the teacher asks the kids how many buckets of sand are in the deserts of Egypt. No one knows and the kids are very pissed off. The next Friday, the teacher asks who was the first sailor to sail arround the world. No one knows again. Rotten Reggie is getting real pissed off now, so he goes home and spray paints two golf balls black. The next Friday right when the teacher says it is time for the question, Reggie rolls the two balls to the front of the room. The teacher picks the balls up. "All right, who is the comedian with two black balls?" "Eddie Murphy! See ya on Tuesday!"

Teacher and her 3 boy students: Teacher: “Why did you laugh?” Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.” Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.” Boy 2 laughed… Teacher: “Why did you laugh?” Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.” Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.” Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class… Teacher: “Why are you leaving?” Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she thought masturbation was a karate teacher.

Johnny's daddy is the principle of the school. He saw his teacher leaving school. Johnny: ''Hey miss where you going?'' Teacher: ''Home.'' Johnny: ''Can I come with?'' Teacher: '' No!'' Johnny: '' I'm gonna tell my daddy!'' Teacher: ''Fine.'' They arrive at the teachers house... Teacher: ''Johnny i'm going to take a shower.'' Johnny: ''Can I come?'' Teacher:''No!'' Johnny: ''I'm gonna tell my daddy.'' Teacher:''Fine.'' They are in the shower... Johnny: ''Can I touch your belly button?'' Teacher: ''No.'' Johnny: ''I'm gonna tell my daddy.'' Teacher: ''Fine.'' Teacher: ''Errr... Johnny thats not my belly button!'' Johnny: '' Thats not my finger.''

Just had the following conversation with my maths teacher. Me: Wanna hear a joke? Teacher: Ok. Me: Pussy! Teacher: I don’t get it. Me: Exactly!

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!" The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

Teacher: Ok class, what comes after 69? Cool kid: Mouthwash Me: Says the one that won't get anything Cool kid: Suck my ass Me: Not until you shave it Bigfoot

Hey girl are you my dick's teacher? cuz it stands up everytime I see you..

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9″. Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36″. And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.” The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment, “Legs.” Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, “Pockets.” Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants” Teacher: "What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" Harry: Coconut The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Harry: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Shake hands" Teacher: "Now I will ask some “Who am I sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yep." Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Harry: "Tent" Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first." Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: "Wedding Ring" Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Harry: "Nose" Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Harry: "Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”

Teacher: Ramu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Ramu: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

That awkward moment when… you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction.. That awkward moment when… someone tells you to stop clicking your pen, but you have to click it one more time to use it That awkward moment when… somebody is cross-eyed and you dont know which eye to look at. That awkward moment when… the guy who discovered milk had to explain to the village what he was doing to the cow. That awkward moment when… someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low. That awkward moment when… you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to the person behind you. That awkward moment when… someone isn’t txting you back and then you see them update their status from mobile… That awkward moment when… The your chair makes a farting noise & no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again. That awkward moment when… you change your Facebook status to ”single” and your ex ‘Likes’ it. That awkward moment when… your teacher is helping someone with their work, and her ass is in your face That awkward moment when… you go to a friends yard sale .. and you see the gift you got them for their birthday is for sale! That awkward moment when… the someone says ”you two should go out!” That awkward moment when… Your at a friends house and thier dog won’t stop sniffing your crotch. That awkward moment when… you look up from your phone and the person you have been following around the supermarket isn’t your Mom. That awkward moment when… The awkward moment when you attempt to tickle someone’s armpit and end up feeling the moist on your fingers. That awkward moment when… that awkward feeling when you accidentally drop your phone in the toilet after using it, then take a deep breath and decide well I got to get it now. That awkward moment when… two people start a conversation on your facebook status. That awkward moment when… you’re talking to yourself and start to smile like an idiot because you’re so hilarious. That awkward moment when… When you start telling a story and you realize no one’s listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything. That awkward moment when… you realize you used the status bar instead of the search bar! That awkward moment when… you post a funny status on Facebook and someone has to ruin it by commenting being all serious! That awkward moment when… when you tell a joke and nobody laughs then a few seconds later they all get it… That awkward moment when… someone asks you whats wrong and they are the problem That awkward moment when… That awkward moment when your dancing, then you turn around & you realize someone has been watching you the WHOLE time. That awkward moment when… you get hung up on and you continue the conversation alone to attempt to fool the other people in the room.. That awkward moment when… you do a math problem, and your answer isn’t even one of the choices. That awkward moment when… you are in the grocery store and someone is standing in front of the item you need, so you pretend to look at something else until they move. That awkward moment when… …that awkward moment after you call your girlfriend the wrong name. That awkward moment when… you think you wrote a great status and then nobody likes it….. That awkward moment when… you hold the door for someone and you’re left standing there for an eternity because they move at a turtle’s pace. That awkward moment when… U look in a car window to fix ur hair.. after standing there for 5 minutes… you see someone in the car… That awkward moment when… you struggle to open the door at the Gym That awkward moment when… your trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water came out That awkward moment when… the weirdest kid in school is in a relationship and you’re still single. That awkward moment when… you mistakenly thought that a stranger from across the room was trying to get your attention and you pointed to yourself and mouthed the word “Meee?” That awkward moment when… a guys t*ts are bigger than yours That awkward moment when… an ugly person says “I need my beauty sleep” when they really need to hibernate… That awkward moment when… you’re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep. That awkward moment when… you accidently send a flirty message to your girlfriend when it was supposed to go to another girl That awkward moment when… Adele finds someone like you That awkward moment when… you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.

Music teacher: "What is your favorite musical instrument?" Fat kid: "The lunch bell."

Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour? Pupil: Because it can’t sit down! An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4? Pupil: That’s not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

Teacher: Where is your homework? Me: I lost it fighting some kid who said you weren't the best teacher in school.

A kid walks up to his teacher and says "When is lunch." The teacher said "When its my break." "Your break for what? the kid asks. "My break up" the teacher said.

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.