Jokes

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

My dad never loved me as a child. I can’t blame him really. I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

A boy and his mom go to a nude beach then they see men with big dicks. He asks his mom why they have big dicks and she said the bigger they are the dumber they are. Then they see women with big boobs and he asks why are their boobs so big and the mom responds the bigger they are the dumber they are. So the boy sees his dad and goes back to his mom and tells her "I saw daddy talking to a very dumb girl and he was getting dumber by the second. KICKASS

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though! Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!" Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?" Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

There are three men in the military practicing skydiving. The first man jumps out and a swiss army knife falls out of his pocket. The second man jumps out and a kitchen knife falls out of his pocket. The third jumps out and a grenade falls out of his pocket. When they land, they go and look for the things they drop because they could have really hurt someone. The first man is running along the street and sees a little boy crying. "Little boy, why are you crying?" he asks. The boy says, "A swiss army knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat!" The second man is running along a street and sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks. The girl says, "A big kitchen knife fell from the sky and killed my puppy!" The third man is running down a street and sees a little boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy, why are you laughing?" he asks. The boy says, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time."

The following conversation took place between a 7 year old and his dad. Boy: You know that thing between your legs? Dad: Yeah! Boy: Why do girls eat it? Dad: How do you know about that? Boy: I saw mommy eating uncle Jeff’s

Once little Johnny heard a grunting noise upstairs. He goes in his parents' room and sees them moving under the blanket . His dad comes out and says "Oh ! Son we were just wrestling ." Little Johnny says "Oh. I"LL BE HULK HOGAN!!" And dives in the bed.

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court. The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no! he beats me!". The judge says,"you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!". So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?" The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"

We was broke, and on top of that, I had a cheap ass dad, one of those 'I'll make it for you' dads. Everything I got was homemade, right down to my Schlitz malt liquor beer can walkie-talkies.

An eight-year-old kid says to his dad, “When I grow up, I want to be a musician.” The dad says, “I am sorry -- can’t have it both ways.”

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home. The father said; let's see what you have accomplished. He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. What do you have to say about this Johnny? Well dad at lease you know I'm not cheating.

Is your Dad an astronaut? Because someone took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.

: “Student excited dad got head job” “Get 50% off or half price, whichever is less” “Tiger Woods plays with his own balls, Nike says” “Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops significantly after the age 25” “QUESTION OF THE DAY Question: What constitutes a millionaire? Answer: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto” “One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers” “A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes. It was the mailman” “Fish needs water, Feds say” “Alton attorney accidentally sues himself” “County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds” “Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum” “13:33pm Sonora - A man came to the Sheriff’s Department to “find out how to legally kill” a person who was harassing him” “Wal-Mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito” “At 12:22pm a celluar caller reported a large snapping turtle in the roadway at Elm Street and Cresecent Road. The turtle fled the area undetected” “A 21-year-old man reported a battery on East Green Street Friday night. According to police report, an unknown suspect threw a condom at the victim hitting him in the face. No arrests have been made at the time of the report” “Employees of Eckerd’s reported about 12:25am Tuesday that two men came into the store, loaded birthday bags with “Have a nice day” yellow faces on them with 52 tubes of vaginal anti-funal cream, and left without paying. The cream was valued at $894.98″ “Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out: “Marco.” The man’s name was not Marco, detective Tim Dohr said. Instead, “the officer was trying to inject some humor into the situation.” Police found the suspect after he responded, “Polo.” “CHINA CABINET, buffet, hutch solid pine, 6.5 tall x 4.5 wide, lighted windows, few cat scratches but cat has been killed. $700.” “HUMAN SKULL, USED ONCE only. Not plastic. $200” “TOMBSTONE: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady”

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran! Johnny just looks at him and says "not so funny when its your mum is it ?"

Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Let's not base your entire life on a religion that's old enough for my dad to be like, 'Oh yeah, that's not true. That didn't happen.'

My dad was Catholic, my mom was Baptist -- which was great 'cause at church we got bread and chicken.

Johnny:Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Dad: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it

SON: Hey dad remember when I killed that butterfly and you said no butter for a week DAD: YEAH? SON: and when I killed that honeybee you said no honey for a week DAD: And SON: Yeah, well mum just killed a cockroach should I break it to her? DAD: ......

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill. Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside the house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the lettering on the door of the car said, “Central Electric Company” and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.

Son: “I got expelled.” ….. ….. Dad: “How?” ….. …… Son: “I wrote 2 + 2 = 41 on the whiteboard.” ….. ….. Dad: “That’s pretty dumb but-” … … Son: “Then my teacher told me to go back up to the board…” … Dad: “Ok?” Son: “And rub 1 out.”

I was getting a hand-job off my new girlfriend when I asked, “How are you so good at this?” “Years of practice,” she said. “Bit of a player in your day?” I laughed. “No,” she replied, “my dad had no arms.”

I used to think my dad suffered from tourettes but it turns out he just thinks I’m a c*nt.

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, “What time did you get in last night?” “Not too late, Dad,” she replied nervously. Dead-pan, her father said, “Then I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car.”

Little boy: *pulls down pants* Whats this? Dad: Those are your prized jewels. Dont let girls touch them. Little boy: Okay! The next day *little boy comes in shocked* Dad: What happened?! Little boy: The little girl from next door tried to feel my jewels so i felt hers Dad: ...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”