Jokes

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. The virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

What is the cause of most computer problems? It's the loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages CONSOLE: What one does to a "down" computer CURSOR: An expert in 4-letter words DUMP: A system programmer's work area FEATURE: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system LANGUAGE: A system of organizing and defining error messages PASSWORD: The nonsense word taped to your terminal

How does a tree access a computer? Like anyone else would.. it logs on.

"My computer suddenly started belting out 'Someone Like You.'" "Why?" "Because it's A-Dell."

Here's a list of the latest computer related best-sellers... - A Tale of Two CD's - Gates of Wrath - Gone with the Windows - War and PC - Moby Disk

Why did the computer show up at work late? It had a hard drive.

The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds. After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on. "Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter. A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."

My husband, a computer-systems trouble-shooter, rode with me in my new car one afternoon. He had been working on a customer’s computer all morning and was still tense from the session. When I stopped for a traffic light, I made sure to leave a safe distance from the stop line to keep oncoming drivers from hitting the car. I couldn’t help but laugh when my husband impatiently waved at me to move the car forward while saying, "Scroll up, honey."

I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky, David said, "I wish we could click and save that."

I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]. My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected]. My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected].

In the high school computer class the teacher asked, "So what is malware?" From the back of the room Donna stood up and replied, "Briefs and Boxers!"

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back. We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

I used to work in a superstore. One day a sparrow flew in and perched itself by the ceiling. Management wondered how to catch it. I suggested that we keep a computer terminal unoccupied. "You can catch it when it stops by to tweet."

"Hey, what do you call a singing computer?" "I don't know, what do you call a singing computer?" "A-Dell."

Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet.” Tech Support: “All right. What operating system are you running?” Customer: “Netscape.” Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?” Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?” Tech Support: “No, right click on ‘My Computer’ and select properties on the menu.” Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said. I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed." "We can't just send people down on your say so. How do you know that's the problem"? "A student told me," I answered. "We'll send someone over right away."

What's the first symptom a computer is getting old? Memory problems.

Q: Why didn't the fly go near the computer? A: Because he was afraid he would get caught on the Web.

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it." A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?" There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida." The smart-aleck laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question." The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better. The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded, "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

Why did the computer programmer call his mother long distance? Because that was her name.

Why can't cats use computers? Because they only want to chase the mouse.

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This is a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify. 1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy. 1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs... 1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too. 2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it. 2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs. 2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused! 2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!! 3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this. 3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things. 4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ... 4.1: Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest! 5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this. 6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number. 6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

The Creation of the PC 1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. 2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good. 3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. 4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware. 5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them: Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. 6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. 7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows. 8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer, and admire the Programmer, and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. 9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. 10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ? 11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. 12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try? The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. 13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it. 14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. 15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to ! 16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. 17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. 18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. 19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. 20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version. Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me. The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, now I believe in yesterday.

A really dumb woman tries to use her computer, but it wouldn't work. So she calls a computer repairman to come out and fix it. The computer repairman comes and looks at the computer. He notices that it wasn't plugged in, so he plugs it in. He starts up the computer and the woman was so overjoyed that she asks him what was wrong with the computer. He replied that it was an "I D 10 T error"

What do computers eat for a snack? Microchips!

A woman was notified that her grandmother just passed away and left her a big inheritance. The instruction were, "My dear I left you some money but you need to log on to this account I had set up for you with my bank. The money should be right there in the CD I had set up. But you need a computer in order to get your money." The granddaughter was excited and went to her home computer and logged on to the account. She was sad that after 10 minutes of waiting she did not see the money coming out from the CD-ROM insert. Her husband came home to see his wife sitting in front of the computer with a very sad face. He asked his wife, "What's the matter my lovely wife I thought you would be happy to received that kind of inheritance?" The wife replied, "I would if the dang computer would just spit the money out."