Jokes

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him… “Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?” … … … “I did Teacher” … …. “And did your stepfather take you out, show you things, go exploring?” … … “Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I’d swim back.” … … … “Oh, well, um, it’s an awful long way to swim isn’t, 1/2 a mile?” … “Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I’d got out of the bag!”

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says “A computer”. Teacher replies “That’d be very useful.” 2nd kid says “a new lawn mower” and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says ” At my house we don’t need nuthin.” The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, “Nope I’m sure! When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, “Well, that’s the last thing we need

A teacher comes to the home of one naughty kid: "Is your mom at home?" "Nope, she's not here", says the naughty kid, quite scared. "And your father?" "No, he has hidden away as well..."

Teacher: Little Johnny, do you believe in the Devil? Johnny: No, teacher, it's just like Santa Claus. I know he's really my dad

Teacher (on phone): "You say Michael has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?" Voice: "This is my father."

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers yet. “Yes, teacher,” he said, “my dad taught me.” “Good, Johnny. Tell me what comes after two,” the teacher said. “Three,” replied little Johnny. “Very good. What comes after five, Johnny?” asked the teacher. “Six,” answered little Johnny. “Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?” the teacher asked. “A Jack!” replied little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he brought his cat to school. … … Little Johnny replied, “Because my dad told my mom he’s going to eat that pussy when the kids go to school…. I’m trying to save my cat!”

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

little johnny's teacher was warned before the start of school to never make a bet with him. she understood. school started and little johnny bet his teacher 50$ that he could guess what color underware she had on. she said " ok after class come to to me and tell me your guess. he said ok. during class the teacher slipped out to the bathroom and removed her underware. after class little johnny told his teacher his quess. he said blue. she said nope i aint got none on. she hiked up her skirt to show him. he said ok here is your money, but its fine i bet my dad 100$ that i could see your pussy by the end of the day.

The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me." "Can you tell me what comes after three?" "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven," answers little Johnny. "Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," answers little Johnny.

Johnny walked into class with a black eye. Teacher: what’s wrong? Johnny: my house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night, my dad asks, “johnny are u sleeping?” Then i say No and he slaps my face and gives me a black eye. Teacher: tonight when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet and dont answer. The following morning, Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again. Teacher: My goodness! Why the black eye again? Johnny: dad asked me again, Johnny are u sleeping? & i shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad and my mum started moving, u know, at the same time mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, “are u coming?” Mum said, “yes, i’m coming, r u coming too?” Dad answered, “yes.” They dont usually go anywhere without me so i said, “wait for me, I’m also coming!”

Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?" "No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."

Teacher:why did you bring your cat to school Jimmy:I overheard my dad talking to my mum and he said when jimmy goes to school I'm gonna eat that pussy

A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his one to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four." "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after, let's say 10?" "A jack."

Teacher: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? Father: No. Why do you ask that? Teacher: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today." The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first." Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny." The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?" Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie." "Very good," the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..." Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again. Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

Boy texted his dad saying Boy:I got expelled Dad: WHAT WHY Boy: cos we had this lesson about bulling and the teacher said sticks and stones may break my bone but words will never hurt me Dad: and Boy: so I threw a book at her face and it broke her nose Dad : lol that's my boy

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, “What changed your mind about learning math?” The son looked at mom and dad and said, “Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher’s desk and I knew they meant business.”

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!" The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"

A female school teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting and says, "You know, your son called me a prostitute!" Dad calls up his son and says: "So this teacher teaches you, helps you, wants you to get good grades and for all that you call her a prostitute?? what do you care about what she does after work?"

Teacher draws a pen*s on the blackboard . Does any one know what that is? "Yes," says Tommy. "My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."

I t’s career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today. Little Rodney stands up and says, ” my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook”. “Good Rodney” says the teacher, “how about you, Johnny?'” Johnny stands up and stammers, “my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no,E-L-E-C-K-T no ….L-E-C-K- no…. The teacher interrupts, “never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?” Vinnie stands up and says, “My dad’s a bookie, that’s B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he’d give you ten to one odds that there’s no way Johnny’s ever gonna spell electrician!”  

Teacher: Joey, why did you bring your pussycat to school? Joey: Well, I heard my dad say to my mom last night that he was going to eat that pussy when I went to school, and I didn't want poor Bubbles to get eaten! Teacher: ...

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?" "A jack"

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, "Dad, tomorrow there's a special 'Adults' evening' at school. Daddy is surprised, "Really? Special?" "Yes," nods Johnny, "it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers."

Little Jonny thought he was the only one who kept secrets, so he asked his teacher. She said that everyone, even adults had secrets. So Little Jonny went up to his mom and told her he knew here secret, she gave him 20$ and told him not to tell his father. So then Little Jonny went up to his dad, and told him he knew his secret, his dad paid him 50$ and told him not to tell his mother. Little Jonny loving this, he's making tons of money, then he goes outside. The first person he sees is the mailman, Little Jonny says I know your secret. Then the mailman says really!? Come here son!

Yes, Theo, what is it? Asked the teacher. I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I didn’t get better marks, someone was going to get a licking.

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?" "Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day." "But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day. His teacher demands, “Where were you yesterday?” “I’m sorry Miss, my dad got burnt,” replies Johnny. “Oh, I’m sorry, I hope it wasn’t serious.” says the teacher. To which Johnny replies, “Well, they don’t fcuk about at the crematorium, Miss.”