Jokes

Faggot: Your Gay Me: There is nothing wrong with being gay, just ask your dad.

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?" His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don’t know, son." The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?" Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son." Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?" Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son." The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

Girl: Daddy, how are babies made? Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mommy's tummy. Girl: Does she swallow the seed? Dad: Only if she wants new shoes.

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a blackeye. His father see’s it and says “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me! “Johnny”, the father said. You don’t do those kind of things to women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!” “But Dad” Johnny said. “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

Dad: Son! Kid: What? Dad: Where's your homework? Kid: Oh, it's done. Dad: I said WHERE. Kid: in the world. Dad: Where in the world? Kid: In our home, duh Dad: Where in the home? Kid: Which home? Dad: Our home! Kid: Who is our? Dad: You, your mother and I Kid: Which eye? The left or right? Dad: Shut up! Kid: Who? Dad: You! Kid: When? ****Dad leaves home****

me: dad, can I have some money for some coke? dad: yeah sure. is $300 enough? it was expensive in my day me: the drink, dad... dad:......right.

Son: "Mom, I love you so much!" Mother: "I don't have any money, try it with your dad."

I was such a mean little kid. I was like, 'Dad, you know what? You can't tell me what to do. You're not even my real father.' He's like, 'Watch your mouth, boy. I still got the receipt.'

Son: Dad, I need some money to go to 50 cent's concert. Dad: Is your mother home? Son: Yeah why? Dad: Tell her to give you a dollar, and take your sister too. Son: Dad! He's a rapper 50 cent is just his rapper name the concert isn't actually 50 cents! Dad: Oh.. never mind you can't go then.

My girlfriend’s dad asked me what I do. Apparently, “your daughter” wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

I’m not sure what I find more disturbing, my mum being so adamant that my sister’s a lesbian, or my dad winking while he says, “She’s not, son……Trust me!”

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want." The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret." The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10." The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15." The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts. When they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't want to do this and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her giving her new boyfriend a blow job and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, ''I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.'' Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So...he wrote on the back of the photo: ''Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!'' and mailed the picture to her parents.

I stumbled out of the pub at one o’clock last night. I was starving, so I got my phone out, pressed a button and said, “OK Google; Where is the nearest kebab shop?” After a few seconds, the voice said, “Fcuk off, Dad. I’ve got work in the morning.”

Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to...? *6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to...? *6 blinks M: 6: Luke's dad?

I rather nervously met my girlfriend’s dad for the first time last night. My parents just told me to be honest as that’s the way I was brought up. So when he asked me what I did for fun, I remembered what they told me and said, “Your daughter”.

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” The lover man nervously asks. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend, then?” he continues. “No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear. “Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured. “No, no, no!” she answers. “Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands to know. “That’s me dummy, before the surgery.”

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Dickhead: Hey jerk, How's you're cousin after last nights session?HAHAHA. Guy: She's fine. How's your sister after I wrecked her and your mum last night in a threesome? Dickhead: Say it again! Guy: How's your sister after I wrecked her and your mum last night in a threesome? Dickhead: You asshole, I'm gonna make you eat those words! Guy: What like how I ate your sister out last night? Dickhead: You suck! Guy: Just how your mum sucked me off last night? Dickhead: My dad was at home you do know so it can't have happened. Guy: You're dad was at work. Oh and tell your mum that I left some money for her in the bedside table and that she should call me if she wants another mouthful.

There was a son and a dad in a car. The dad said find something fast as a car. Ooh! The boy said. That black man running from the police.

You ever see the commercial where the little boy gets caught by his dad, and he's like, 'I got it from you, Dad. I got it from you!'? I tried that with my father. I was like, 'I got it from you, Dad!' 'You been pinching my sh*t?' I got a whupping, and I had to buy another bag.

One day, a teenage boy was absolutely over the moon that he had just passed his driving test. Then, just as his father was expecting, the boy approached his dad asking when they’d be able to have a discussion about him using the family car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son: “You need to bring your grades up from a C to a B, study the Bible, and get a haircut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’ The boy thought about it for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they came to an agreement. After about six weeks, his father said: “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying the Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t cut your hair yet.” The boy said: “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair - and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair!” The dad nodded wisely, then leaned over and whispered to his son: “Did you also notice they walked everywhere?”

Dad hates that I'm a stand-up comic, but it's his fault. He did the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life: did the splits getting out of the shower. Let that sink in. Fat man, wet floor -- people, I can't write a joke better than that.

Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they''re on the tenth hole. Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green. Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus' ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it, a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle, that walks over to the hole and drops it in. Moses turns to Jesus and says, ''I hate it when your dad plays!''

(Dad's daughter walks up to him) Daughter- Dad i gotta tell u something... Dad- Whats tht? Daughter- I'm a lesbian. Dad- Okay. (Dad walks around then his other daughter comes up to him) Daughter #2- Dad i gotta tell u something... Dad- Whts tht? Daughter #2- I'm a lesbian. Dad- Damn, does anybody in this house like dick? Son- I do!!!!

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bs driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

Little Johnny: Dad, Is it true? I heard that in some countries where arranged marriage is a custom, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries! Father: Son, that happens everywhere, after marriage you find out everything!”

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice …. …. … That must be why I’m an only child.

A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?’ Her mum replies ‘No, because she is on heat.’ ‘What does that mean?’ asked the child. ‘Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’ The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.’ He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.’ The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash… Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’ The little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’