Jokes

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.. ‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don’t be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says… "Now she knows."

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while discussing philosophy. Wife: What’s the meaning of life? Husband: My dick! Wife: Yeah that’s true, life is short.

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. “Say, what`s your name, mister?” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. “It`s Snow … Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what`s yours?” “Me, I`m June … June Hansen,” she said. After a short while she asked, “Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?” “Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered, ….having eight inches of Snow in June?”

One Monday morning, a Postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer cans and liquor bottles. “Whoaaa Bob, looks like you guys had one Hell of a Party last night,” the Postman comments. Bob, in obvious pain an discomfort, replies, “Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 p.m. Sunday afternoon. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I” ..?? The Postman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that” ..?? “Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “Privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The Postman laughs loudly and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that. “Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up seven times….”

There is a new franchised chain of bars and restaurants called ‘Tallywackers,’ as the female counterpart of ‘Hooters.’ If you apply, they hand you a set of Spandex® boy-legged shorts and say, “Here, fill this out and come back to see us.”

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered….. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery… When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. .’Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . had to mow the lawn!!

My bank balance is like a midget in a marathon. It's running a little short.

If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.

I was going to tell a midget joke, but it's too short.

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

It is the day of the annual field trip. A group of inner-city teens is bussed to a farm about 30 miles outside of the city to learn about agriculture. When it is time to leave, the head count comes up one short. Leroy is nowhere to be found. Fifteen minutes later, students find Leroy in a pasture, spraying the ever-popular “M-F” word on the sides of cows with cans of black spray paint. Moral of the story: You can take the boy out of the city, but you can’t take the city out of the boy.

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206″: Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn’t stop."

What’s long and hard for white people but short and relaxed for Asians? A maths exam.

They say opposites attract, try telling that to my short ugly girlfriend.

Q: Did you hear about the short sighted rabbi? A: He got the sack.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest. “No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

Bishop TD Jakes is returning to Texas after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrives, there is a limousine there to transport him to his home in Dallas. As he prepares to get into the limo, he stops and speaks to the driver. "You know," he says, "I am almost 50 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver says, "No problem." Bishop TD Jakes gets into the driver's seat, and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sits a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo goes by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulls out, easily catches the limo, and gets out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walks up to the driver's door, and when the glass is rolled down, he is surprised to see who is driving. He immediately excuses himself, goes back to his car, and calls his supervisor. He tells the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asks, "Is it the Governor?" The young trooper says, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor says, "Oh, so it's the President." The young trooper says, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asks, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper says, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got TD Jakes for a chauffeur!!!"

Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years,and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter. Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad. Gentlemen:I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years. Yours truly, A Commuter

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.” Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

This guy had a perpetual erection. It was constantly hard, day and night. He went to a drug store to see if he could get something for it. The pharmacist was a lady and he was kind of ashamed to tell her. She said, “Don’t be ashamed, I’m a professional, you can tell me anything.” He told her, “I have this perpetual hard-on. What can you give me for it?” She responded, “Wait a minute, I’ll have to talk to my partner I’ll be right back,” and she went into the back to talk to her sister who was her partner in the drugstore. She came back shortly and told him, “The best we can do is give you $500. and part ownership in the drugstore.”

Two newly-weds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discoloured. “What happened to your feet?” his wife asked. “I had a childhood disease called tolio”. “Don’t you mean polio?”, “No, tolio, it only affects the toes.” He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. “What happened to your knees?” she asked. “Well, I also had kneesles.” “Don’t you mean measles?” “No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.” When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said… “Don’t tell me, you also had smallcox!”

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn’t do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn’t live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem… How to carry his entire purchase home. The feed store owner said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” said the biker, and out the door he went. In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.” We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time”. The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?” The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?” The lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.” The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. “Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

Do I have any chance to win? Asks the boxer. Off course! Continue hitting the air and the adversary will shortly get a lung inflammation.

All the bases are 90 feet apart in regulation Baseball. So why does it take a Runner longer to run from 2nd to 3rd than it does from 1st to 2nd? Simple! Because between 2nd and 3rd there is a 'Short-Stop'!

I bought a toilet brush five days ago. Long story short… I’m going back to toilet paper.

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.” So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.” The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.” Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right?” As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”