Jokes

Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington Monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds, George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped there. He said, "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds, Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over." Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial.He said, "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds, Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

Anyone who has raised, or even just been around, a toddler knows these things are true. Toddlers and drunks are EERILY similar! • No personal boundaries • Falls over A LOT. Gets up, yells “I OK!” and keeps going • Poor decision making skills • Spontaneous vomiting • Speaks gibberish • Gets belligerent if you take away [insert favorite toy here] • Cries for no apparent reason • Streaking (see #3) • Philosophical conversations with inanimate objects • Short attention span • Argumentative • Poor short term memory • Zero inhibitions • Loses everything • Will pass out anywhere • One track mind • Demanding • Getting them undressed (or redressed) is like wrestling an alligator • Runs into things that haven’t moved…ever • One volume setting - LOUD!

I hate Windows… Just tried to set my password to “mydick” but apparently it’s too short.

World'd shortest joke: There was two women sitting quietly.

A mummy, daddy and baby tomato were walking along. The baby tomato had really short legs so he was falling behind. Impatient, the daddy tomato turned and squashed him saying, "Ketchup"

Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled. Worst: Least best. Wrong: Differently logical. Ugly: Cosmetically different. Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured. Short: Vertically challenged. Dead: Living impaired.

Dating Rejection form letter Dear _______________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply) 1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. 2. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands! 3. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. 4. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. 5. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. 6. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. 7. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. 8. ___You still live with your parents. 9. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting. 10. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, _________________________________

My secretary just entered my office and said: ‘We got a letter again from our office in the Sahara. They’re writing that they have a very serious water shortage’ ‘Well’, I said, ‘there’s always a water shortage there - it can’t be that urgent’ ‘I think it’s urgent this time’, my secretary said, ‘the stamp is put on the envelope with a paperclip…’

Yo mama so Short She hang glides on a dorito

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.

A worker approaches his employer and holds up his last wage packet. ‘This is two hundred pounds short,’ he says. ‘I know,’ says the employer. ‘But last week I overpaid you two hundred pounds, and you didn’t say anything.’ ‘Well,’ says the worker. ‘I don’t mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.’

I was taken short in the back of a taxi. Because of all the mess I gave the driver a ten-pound note. Mind you it had only been a fiver before I wiped myself with it.

Snooki is so short and orange that she works part time as a traffic cone.

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!." "No worries," replies the clerk. "We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs." "Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent. With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen. In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen. She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing?" she asks. "Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how... An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Surfing in Nebraska. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

It’s the 2012 Olympics. The final of the Hammer Throw event is shaping up for an exciting finish. It’s all come down to a Russian military officer, an American farmer and an unemployed English Bum. The Russian throws first: 85 metres, just short of the world record. Interviewed after the event he said, “My grandfather was in the military, my father was in the military and I am in the military. This gives me strength and discipline.” Then the American throws: 88 metres, breaking the world record. Interviewed after the event he said, “My grandfather was a farmer, my father was a farmer and I am a farmer. This gives me strength and discipline.” The English Bum saunters up to the nets, gobs at the TV cameras and slings the hammer 95 metres, breaking the world record and winning gold for Great Britain. Interviewed after the event he said, “My grandfather was unemployed, my father was unemployed and both said to me, ‘If anyone ever puts a hammer in your hand, throw it as far as you fcuking can’.”

Florida’s Fugaway Indian Tribe (Short History of How they Got Their Name.) The Fugaways (pronounced fuh-gah-weyz) were an Indian tribe who resided in central Florida and there is a legend as to how they got their tribal name. It is rumored that sometimes they got lost while hunting in the Florida forests and the swamps and wilderness. Well, one afternoon, after the chief and his braves had been hunting all day, it was time to head back to camp. But where was camp? The territory they were in seemed foreign. The Chief led his band of warriors south a-ways … nothing. The chief led them west… just more wilderness. Evening was coming and the chief didn’t want to look foolish in front of his braves who were bent over carrying all the deer, turkey and alligator meat from the day’s hunt. Then wonder of wonders… a high hill! The chief took out his map and motioned to the braves to follow him up the hill. There was some grumbling, as their backpacks were heavy but they all climbed the hill. The chief looked north: nothing but forest. He looked east: no sign of wigwams or the Indian women tending the babies. The chief looked south: no curls of smoke from the campfires. He turned west: Just a vast swamp with alligators and large snakes. Once again he looked at his map in frustration, then looked heavenward and raised his fists to the sky. Then he beat on his chest, yelling, “WE’RE THE FUGAWAY?!!” Now if you’re re-telling this to an audience, the punch line sounds the best if you actually flail your fists on your chest to create a vibrato effect to your voice… BTW, Historians haven’t told us if the chief and braves finally found their way back to camp, but they must have, or this little anecdote of history would never have been recorded.

THE SIMULATED BATTLE A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, it will work fine.” So the private and the rest of his squad headed out to the battle field. Shortly after they started marching, the private spotted an enemy. Reluctantly, he put the broom up to his shoulder, aimed down the handle and shouted, “bangity, bangity, bang.” Much to his surprise, the enemy fell over. A few moments later, he spotted another enemy, pointed his broom, and shouted “bangity, bangity, bang.” Again, the enemy fell over. This, of course energized the private so he jumped up, pointed his broom and shouted “bangity, bangity, bang,” “bangity, bangity, bang,” ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Enemies fell all around him. Off in the distance, he spotted another enemy, raised his broom and shouted “bangity, bangity, bang.” This time, however, the enemy didn’t fall over. As the enemy got closer, the private pointed his broom and shouted even louder, “bangity, bangity, bang.” Still, the enemy didn’t fall and, instead, just kept marching toward the private. The enemy got within feet of the private and one more time he aimed his broom and screamed, “bangity, bangity, bang.” But the enemy just kept on marching. He walked into the private, knocked him over, stepped on him and kept on walking. And as he went by, the private heard the enemy say, “tankity, tankity, tank, tankity, tankity, tank.”

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled “How do you like it? Don’t I look like a count?” Shortly after, the son received this terse note: “You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can’t even spell!”

I said to my wife, “I’m tired of looking in this mirror and seeing my big beer belly, so I’m going to do something about it.” She replied, “Excellent idea. You’re going to start working out at the gym then?” “Don’t be silly. I’m buying a shorter mirror.”

My boss called me into his office today and said, “I’ve noticed you nodding off during team meetings recently. Are you getting enough sleep?” “Not really, the meetings are a lot shorter these days.”

Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat. They had been out only a short time when Mary said : “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.” “We don’t have to go back,” George replied. “Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.” Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house. Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit - and the superintendent’s balls in his mouth!

You should’ve seen Emma at work today - short black miniskirt that was just tight enough to emphasize the curve of her shapely buttocks. It rides up just far enough when she sits down to give you a tantalising glance of her lacy black panties. Her white blouse, with buttons undone low enough to let you see her black bra which is tight enough and low enough to give you just a tiny suggestion of bare nipple. I’ve got no chance with her though - somehow she’s got the idea in her head I’m a pervert.

MEMO TO ALL PERSONNEL SUBJECT: Company sponsored additional training. As you are all aware, it is the company policy to ensure that all employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training Programme, (S.H.I.T.). We have always been proud of the fact that this company has given its employees more S.H.I.T. than any other employer. Our management team are specially trained to ensure that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle. If any employee feels that they do not receive enough S.H.I.T., then please contact your supervisor immediately. If you graduate up the managerial ladder, by accepting all the S.H.I.T. that is given to you, then you can qualify for our supervisors Complete Responsibility Action Programme. (C.R.A.P.) To become eligible for or management team, simply take all the S.H.I.T. you can, then, with all the additional C.R.A.P. that you then get, you will soon reach the highest positions in the company. Any employee who has the initiative and drive to take both S.H.I.T. and C.R.A.P. will soon become one of the elite. For a limited period only, the company is offering all employees the chance to try for our latest scheme, the Advanced Supervisory Staff Helping Our Local Employees. (A.S.S.H.O.L.E.) If you work hard, you will find that the more S.H.I.T. you take, and the more C.R.A.P. that you handle, will qualify you as an A.S.S.H.O.L.E. in a very short time.

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.” I said “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”, The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear jeans pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this fcuking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?… do you understand?!!”I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs…..”Your badge, show him your fcuking BADGE!!”

The individual is not short and wide; the individual is anatomically compact.

Life is very short. It’s only a 4-letter word.

Hey, just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?” “No Papa,” replied the girl with a grin, “I managed to hide it when they were searching you.” “Hide it? where?” asked the guy,” I saw them search you too.” “I slipped it into my… a… my . . .um…. pee pee place. ”said the girl shyly. “Damn!” swore the guy, “If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!”