Jokes

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'' The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?'' ''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.'' The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?'' The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.'' ''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?'' ''Yeah, he's my dad.'' ''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?'' The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?'' The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.'' ''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.'' The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.'' The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. … … Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention. … … He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. … … “Daddy, what are those spiders doing?” she asked. … … “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” “That’s a Daddy Longlegs.” The little girl thought for a moment. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” she asked. The father’s heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, “No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.” The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. “Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden.”

Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting "Dad, I got $10 for the duck!" The farmer said "Well done, son." The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. "Well done, son," said the farmer. He then sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could get for the duck. On the way to the market, the son met a prostitute. "I'll give you a f**k if you give me that duck," said the prostitute. After they did it, the prostitute said, "That was so good, I'll give you the duck back if you f**k me again." He did, and then he went on to the market. On the way, the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said "Oh no, I'm so sorry! Here's $50 to pay for it." The youngest son went back to the farm and said to his father, "Hey, Dad! I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and $50 bucks for a f**ked up duck."

My wife said to our son, “So, did you enjoy your day at the zoo with your dad?” “No, not really,” my son replied. “The zoo was rubbish.” “Why was it rubbish?” asked my wife. “Because the only animals there were horses running around a track.”

A Mom goes to the store shopping. She tells to the children, "Your father will return very drunk. Undress him down to the waist and put him to sleep." "Why to the waist", the children interested. "Because your father has a large snake below and it can bite you." The mother returned and her children met her at the door, "Mom! Mom! Dad came home! We undress him all and put him to sleep." "Are you undressed him the entire", mother worried? "What happened with the snake?" "Don't worry, Mom!" proudly answered the children. "The snake was strangled with dad's belt, her eggs were trampled and the nest was burnt."

As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper. “What’s wrong with Toby daddy?” My daughter asked. “It’s an animal sixth sense,” I explained. “They can detect the presence of evil.” “Is the house haunted?” She shivered. “No,” I replied, before turning to my wife. “Love! I think your mother’s here already.”

My dad just got a toupee, also -- not a very nice one, though, made out of cat hair. Every time you touch his head, his butt goes up in the air.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

A child walks into a whore house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have. She looks down at him for a few moments and replies “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you….If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for.” The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats “I want the most diseased woman you have.” She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him “I can’t, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to.” The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have. A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments. As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way. Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind. As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him. “Excuse me, but I have on question before you go…what is the dead frog for? Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain. “I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man…And that’s the Son of a Bitch who ran over my pet frog.”

This morning I went to sign my labrador dog up for welfare. … At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” … So I explained to her that my labrador dog is a BLACK lab, is unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English, and has no frigging clue who her Daddy is. She expects me to feed her, provide her with housing and medical care. So the lady looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. … My black lab gets her EBT card on Friday and moves into a Section 8 apartment in a week.

Q: What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school? A: Bison.

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull." The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick." The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?" The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."

My father was too cheap to take me to the big downtown aquarium. This cheap bastard, he would just take me to the fish market. 'Look, Tony, there's the halibut. Shhh, they sleep in piles.' I'm like, 'Dad, they're breaded.' 'That's their blankie.'

A teacher was giving a lesson and was telling the pupils that we came from Adam and Eve. A hand went up and the kid said, "But my dad told me that we come from apes, Miss?" Miss replied, "Stay out of this one, Leroy!"

3-year-old: What's a swear word? Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad. 3: Me: 3: Is my middle name a swear word?

My daughter came home from school yesterday carrying a child’s artwork… “Look what I made daddy,” she said, “We were supposed to draw a scene from inside our house.” I looked at it and said, “That’s nice sweetheart, but when have you seen a gorilla and a pink elephant standing under a waterfall in this house?” “That’s not what that is daddy. That’s mommy and her friend Tyrone in the shower when you’re at work.”

A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?” Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That’s confidential.”

My son asked, “Dad, how come I have brown skin and you are white?” “Well just look at your mum, son.” I said. “But she’s not black.” “I know, you idiot!” I replied, “She’s a fcuking whore!”

A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.” Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.” Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.” Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from her husband to me, from me to our gardener, from our gardener to your sister… And if your sister got it, then the whole town is in trouble.

Some crazy woman knocked on my door with a little boy this morning. She said, “Say hello to your dad.” I said, “There must be some kind of mistake, that’s not my dad.”

I just found out I’m going to be a Dad! I’m really excited. I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.

A Paksitani Boy Got Admission In An American School Teacher : Whats Your Name ? Boy : Ahmad Teacher : No, Now You R In America Your Name Is Johny From Today. Boy Went Home. Mom Asked: How Was The Day Ahmad? Boy : Im An American Now Call Me Johnny. Mom & Dad Both Got Offended And Beat Him Up. Next Day He Was Back To School, All Bruised. Teacher :What Happend Johnny? Boy : Ma’am, Just 4 Hours After I Became American, I Was Attacked By Two Pakistanis.

It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.” The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.” Then one little boy says: “My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us.” The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father. He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school... Teacher: "Whats your name?" Boy: "Nadir" Teacher: "No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today." Boy went home and his mother asked: "How was the day Nadir?" Boy: "I am an American now, so call me Johnny." Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised... Teacher: "What happened Johnny?" Boy: "Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists."

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. "Well, Skip," said the scout, "Dad had only one bottle of beer left, so I let my baby brother have it."

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. With that, the baby pops right back inside. “Damn!”, says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again. “Are you my dad?”, asks the baby. “No, I am your doctor.”, he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away-we may have a situation on our hands!”. Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out. “Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father. The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!” The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger-”How do you like that?”

Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mum asks. "Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies." "Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ? The logician replies: "yes".