Jokes

Yo' Mama is so short, she could sit on a dime and swing her legs.

Yo' Mama is so short, she models for trophies.

Bully:HA your so short Me:atleast im bigger than your 1 inch dick

He is so short, his hair smells like feet.

Girl: What's the netflix password? Guy: My dick! Girl: Really? Because it says this password is too short.

Yo' Mama is so short, she has to pole vault into bed at night.

I can remember when you were a little, short black boy with an afro. Now, you are a tall white woman with a perm.

Yo' Mama is so short, she plays racquetball on the curb.

Yo' Mama is so short, she had to climb a ladder to pick up a dime.

Bully:Since your so tall do you play basketball(laughs) Me:And since your so short do you play MINI GOLF (everyone is silent)

Yo' Mama is so short, she has to look up to see what's going down.

He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

Yo' Mama is so short, she's the last one to know when it rains.

He's a few clowns short of a circus.

You have to admit that the ingenuity and inventiveness of the human race is nothing short of astounding. Look how far we have come. At one time early humans were nomads just walking around naked. Then they invented clothes and learned to build dens in which to live. Then we discovered the wheel and learned how to make tools. Then came farming and organised civilisations. Eventually we had the industrial revolution and machinery. Then we learned to fly and invented TV and radio. Then computers that were quicker than any human brain. Then came the invention of the internet, the super highway of information that enables people all over the world to sit and watch other people er… walking around naked.

I visited a girls profile on a dating website, she was 5ft 3 green eyes. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind short girls, but 3 green eyes? No wonder she can’t find a guy.

Two irish pilots flying An Air Fungus jet on final approach at Cork Airport. First pilot said: “Bejesus! Look how short this runway is.” Second pilot said: “Yes, but look how fuking wide it is!”

Paddy was driving his lorry (truck) when he saw a bridge with a sign saying “10 foot max. headroom.” He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , ‘A Shure an’ Begorrah, I’ll give it a go,’ he thought only to find that his lorry got wedged tight underneath it. … … Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, ‘what do you think you are doing?’ asked the policeman in a sharp tone. … … ‘Sure I’m having me tea break,’ replied Paddy, ‘And what do you work at?’ asked the policeman, ‘Agh shure I deliver bridges,!’ smiled Paddy!

The interesting thing about our mix -- being that I'm black and she's Japanese -- people say, 'Y'all are gonna have some beautiful children.' I guess. It could be, or they could just have short legs and long arms.

me: you want to here a short joke kid:sure Me: look in the mirror if you tall enough

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way. A short while later he returned to the class room and said to the teacher "I still can’t find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had been at the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy left the classroom together and five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats. The teacher asked Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy was quick with his reply. "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands. The old timer asks the kid, "Hey son. Whatcha got there?" The kid replies, "I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens." The old timer responds, "Oh son, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire." A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire. "Well, I'll be...'" says the old timer scratching his head. The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands. The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?" The kid responds, "I got me some duct tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks." The old timer laughs, "Son, you can't catch no ducks using duct tape." A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape." The old man cannot believe his eyes. The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands. The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?" The kid shouts back to the old timer, "I got me some pussy willow." The old timer shouts out, "Hold on son...while I get my hat!"

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” asked the lawyer. Farmer Brown responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the . . . ” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!” Farmer Brown said, “Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . . ” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.” He continued, “I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.” “Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.” Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. “The patrolman looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling’?

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Your father!” Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. “My boyfriend!” she says. A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks “What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. “Who’s your partner?” asked his father… Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”

Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes? It depends who you are laughing at - it may as well shorten it...

Coworker: Can you help me with this project? Me: The short answer is no. Coworker: What's the long answer? Me: Nooooooo.

Ladies dating a short guy is fun until you can't find him at the club and you don't have taxi money to go home.

A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is. The husband says, “We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you.” “Yes, dear, anything you want,” replies the wife. “Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that.” Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth. “I have been unfaithful three times,” she says. “Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time.” “I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?” he asks. “The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?” she said. “Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time.” “Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes short….”

S mith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re short-handed, Smith the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”