Jokes

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.' Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey') Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Pour some hot water around the edges and then gently tap it with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "We now need a new computer."

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" Not only that, but.... Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

I'm just not good with computers. I remain not good. I had to call up the tech support guy this week, get some help with the home computer. He starts asking me questions, 'What kind of operating system have you got there, sir?' 'Uh, electricity, I think. Yeah, I've been plugging into my wall. I've been having some luck with that.'

Q: How do you know an Antartian has been using the computer? A: There is White-Out on the screen.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Who invented the first computer in Biblical Times? Eve -- she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other!

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights…… “I love you!” She said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and giving me the most amazing blow job ever….. Which is really odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before!..

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” …. Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.” …. Wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”

Oh shit, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to ‘save’ the document but accidentally blew it up.

North Koreans are wondering why their computers were unusable for nine hours. They call it a cyber-attack. In the west it’s better known as Windows Update.

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

The boss asked me, “So, what makes you suitable for this job?” “Well,” I replied, “I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.”

A new army computer is put through its paces. An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?’ The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’ The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’ The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized." Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'" Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

Impress your co-workers with your new-found Buzzword Vocabulary. … Read computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and gain a little understanding of new products and software releases. … Then start using phrases and cliches like “paradigm shift,” “diversity,” “empowerment,” “At the end of the day,” “Bandwidth,” “Cloud Computing,” “Client-Centric,” “Organic growth,” “Holistic approach,” “Touch base,” “Sea change,” “Bloom’s Taxonomy,” “Win-win” freely when you are in conversation with your bosses. Remember: They likely won’t understand what you said, but you sure will sound impressive!

I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.

Before the computer mouse, there was Smith & Wesson… The original point and click interface.

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying, “It is impossible for your generation to understand my generation. You grew up in a different world. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…” Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You are right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?”

Q. What was Adolf Hilter’s favorite computer game? A. Mein Kraft

A computer programmer has been missing from work for over a week. Finally someone notices and calls the police. They break down the door of his flat where they find him dead in the shower, an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. The programmer seems to have died from a combination of exposure and exhaustion. The puzzle is explained when the police read the instructions on the shampoo bottle - ‘Wet hair. Apply shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.’

What do you get if you cross a computer and a policeman? PC Plod.

Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don’t. And there will be a special name for them - secretaries.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Where do you go if you become ‘at one’ with your computer? Nerdvana.