Jokes

A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong. He replied, "My foot bugs me sometimes. It's just an old basketball injury." His friend said, "Uh, aren't you kinda short for a basketball player?" He replied, "Oh no, I never played basketball. I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV."

One friend to another: Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is “I am.” Really. What’s the longest sentence? “I do.”

A man gets married and shortly afterwards his wife dies. A friend tries to console him and asks, "What happened to your wife?" "She died of poison from eating mushrooms," said the husband. This man gets married a second time, and not long after the marriage, this second wife dies. The same friend tries to console the grieving husband and asks, "What happened to your second wife?" "She died of poison from eating mushrooms," was also the reply from the husband. This man takes a third wife and, not very long after the marriage, the third wife dies. The consoling friend asks, "What happened to your third wife? Was it mushroom poisoning?" The grieving husband responds, "No, she died of a broken neck." "A broken neck!" replies the friend. "Yes," says the husband, "she wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

I was reading that scientists have discovered that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had a ‘cousin’ that was vegetarian. It must have been a bloody nightmare to have a vegetarian in the family when your arms are too short to cover your ears.

The new family in the neighbourhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she’d direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle. The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Fishing in a frozen lake It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash. Mind if we shared a cab home?

Since the girl couldn’t type, she was fired; And asked to explain why she was hired. “The executive’s dong Is only four inches long. I thought shorthand was all he required” ------------------ An old maiden who barely did kissing, Soon discovered what she had been missing. When laid down on the sod, She cried out, “Oh, God! All these years I just used it for pissing!” ------------------ The once was a young girl from Norway Who hung by her feet from the doorway; Which worked out quite well, ‘Cause when you rang her bell, It actually turned out to be foreplay! ------------------ There was a young girl from Chesishire. Who succumbed to her lover’s desire. She said, “It’s a sin, But now that it’s in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?” ----------------- A certain young fellow named Dick Liked to feel a girl’s hand on his prick. He taught them to fool With his rigid old tool Till the cream shot out, white and thick. ----------------- There was a young man named Ringer, Who was seducing a beautiful singer. He said with a grin, “I’ve now rammed it in!” She said, “You mean that isn’t your finger?” ------------------ There once was a man from Rangoon Who was born 9 months too soon. He didn’t have the luck To be born by a fcuk; He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. ------------------- A pretty young gal from Hong Kong Said “I think you are utterly wrong To say my vagina’s the largest in China Just because of your little ding dong!” ----------------- A passionate red-headed girl, When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, And her twat would get wet And would wiggle and fret, And her c*nt-lips would curl and unfurl. ----------------- A Plumber whose name was Ten Brink Plumbed the cook as she bent over the sink. Her resistance was stout, And Ten Brink petered out With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. ------------------ There was a young fellow called Mark, Who, when he screws, has to bark. His wife is a bitch, With a terrible itch, So the town never sleeps after dark. ----------------- Once a pirate named Yates Danced the jig for all of his mates. He slipped in his cutlas, And made himself nutless, And now he’s quite useless on dates. ----------------- There was a young lass named Hannah Who sucked off her lover’s banana. She swore that the cream That shot out in a stream Tasted better than eva ----------------

My girlfriend's reading a book at the moment. It's one of these sort of new age things. It's called, 'Women That Love Too Much,' which I think could have the title shortened to 'Sluts.'

There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hary and hairier, Till a prince from Peru Who came up for a screw Had to hunt for her c*nt with a terrier. ------------ The last time I dined with the King He did quite a curious thing: He sat on a stool And took out his tool, And said, “If I play, will you sing?” ------------ There once was a guy named Dave, Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved! ------------ A lady who lives in Madras Has a truly magnificent ass. It is not round and pink, As you probably think, But is grey, has long ears, and eats grass. ------------- My back aches, my pussy is sore, I simply can’t fcuk any more, I’m covered with sweat, And you haven’t come yet, And my God, it’s a quarter to four! --------------- Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs, “The men like to spread my two legs, Then slip in between, If you know what I mean, And leave me the white of their eggs.” ---------------- There was a young fellow named Rummy Who delighted in whipping his dummy. He played pocket pool With his happy old tool Till his shorts and his pants were all cummy --------------- There once was a man from Madras whose balls were spun out of brass When he rubbed them together They played “Stormy Weather” And lightning shot out of his ass --------------- Two roosters in one of our pens Found their pricks were no larger than wens. As they looked at their foreskins And wished they had more skins, They discovered they’d both become hens. --------------- A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along, And, unless I am wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. -------------- There was a young lady called Dawn Who wished she had never been born. She wouldn’t have been If her father had seen That the end of his rubber was torn. ---------------- There once was a woman from Wheeling Who had a funny horny feeling So she laid on her back And tickled her crack, And squirted all over the ceiling! --------------- There was a young lady named Brewer Who was riding a bike when it threw her. A man saw her there With her legs in the air And seized the occasion to screw her.

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman, so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that he began his mission to find the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.” The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion. “Well” said the man, “She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed.” The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls. The man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed. The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. The morning after the man dated the third daughter, the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” They were married right away. Months later, the had a baby. When the man visited nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. “Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant, when you met her.

ONE People who point at their wrist while asking for the time….I know where my watch is pal, where the fcuk is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? TWO People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. THREE When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fcuking right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it? FOUR When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the fcuk would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? FIVE When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fcuking floor. SIX People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? SEVEN When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it. EIGHT When people say “life is short”. What the fcuk?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fcukin does!! What can you do that’s longer? NINE When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? TEN People who say things like ‘My eyes aren’t what they used to be’. So what did they used to be? ears, ELEVEN When you’re eating something and someone asks ‘Is that nice?’ No it’s really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. TWELVE People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need. THIRTEEN McDonald’s staff who pretend they don’t understand you unless you insert the ‘Mc’ before the item you are ordering…..It’s has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks……….Well, I’ll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fcukin McTosser. FOURTEEN When you involved in a accident and someone asks ‘are you alright?’ Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off FIFTEEN When people say ‘can I borrow a piece of paper I’ll pay you back’ It’s one god damn piece of paper you fcuking retards i don’t want it back SIXTEEN When lazy c*nts abbreviate ‘fcuking’ as ‘fcukin’. Why?

Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Suzann. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Suzann what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Nigella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Nigella (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best. I’m sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and… HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!! I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. · My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV. · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. · I had no control over the drooling. · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

THIS IS SOOOOO FUNNY.......... Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute! Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 1: Oh - that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Man 1: Haircut? Man 2: Yeah.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?” She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!” While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked . . . “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don’t you give ol’ George here your best last kiss?” So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.” It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops. Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything." The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job." She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions.You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic." Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes!I'm single and I'm Catholic!" The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley." The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?" He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!" The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

My wife shouted upstairs, “The sun’s just come out.” I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: Has to work hard Has to work at great depths Has to work upside down Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work Has to work in a high humidity environment Has to work at high temperatures Does not get weekends and holidays off Does not get time off after extra hours of work Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness Request denied for the following reasons: Does not work 8 hours in a row Does not answer immediately to all requests After a short activity period, falls asleep at work Shows no fidelity to the workplace Retires too early Does not work at all unless pushed from behind Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work Sometimes leaves work, too early

Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"

While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior and Dopey stops to talk to her. “Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but replies, “Not very short, some around 5 foot. “Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 foot in height?” he persists. “No, no, no one like that.” As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him what was said, and he replies, “She said they don’t have any.” On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and chanting: “Dopey’s fcuked a penguin, Dopey’s fcuked a penguin.”

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

A wife sending a short message to her husband: It was just said on the news that they found a hideous corpse with a hollow head, a cigar among ugly rotten teeth and a bottle of liquor in his hand. I'm worried about you!. Please, give me a ring...

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy is laying sprawled out on the road, seemingly stone dead. The rescue workers are all around him, but can do nothing to resuscitate him. Suddenly, a young woman in a short miniskirt forces her way through the crowd. "Let me at him, I can help him," she says. "What can you do?" ask the rescue people. "We've tried everything to revive him, and it's too late." "I can," says the woman. "Stand back!" And she promptly takes off her panties, and crouches with her crotch over the man's face. Suddenly, the man coughs, splutters, and sits up. "What did you do?" ask the rescue people, amazed. The woman says, "Blood Transfusion."

1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 2. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 3. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 4. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 5. Forgot to pay his brain bill. 6. A few clowns short of a circus. 7. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. 8. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 9. A few beers short of a six-pack. 10. Dumber than a box of hair. 11. A few peas short of a casserole. 12. One taco short of a combination plate. 13. All foam, no beer. 14. The cheese slid off his cracker. 15. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 16. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 2 17. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 18. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 19. As smart as bait. 20. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 21. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 22. Surfing in Nebraska. 22. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. 23. One sandwich short of a picnic. 24. The light's on, but nobody's home. 25. If dumb were dirt, he'd cover about an acre.

Bully: Hey nerd, why are you so small? Short kid: Because I'm impersonating your dick.