Jokes

-- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. -- You have a list of 20 phone numbers to reach five people. -- You chat several times a day with a Nigerian prince over e-mail, but you couldn't name your neighbor. -- When paying a cashier, you only know how to respond to "credit or debit" -- what the hell is "cash"? -- You think "music in the air" refers to free downloads. -- You lose touch with any family member who doesn't have an email address. -- Second-day delivery takes way too long. -- You need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. - A "half day" means leaving at 5 p.m. -- You find jokes on computers, not in books or word of mouth.

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. Write a program that plays the "Pokemon" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. Use AIM to make passes at people you don't know. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say, "Just in case..." mysteriously. Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. Ask around for a spare zip disk. Offer $1. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops. Forgot." Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray, "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. "Disk fight!" Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you, whether you know them or not. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Thong Song" whenever there is processing time required. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor. When you start up a PC, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was a line or two. Sit and stare at the screen, chomping on your nails. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in a great flood" and continue working. Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking. Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. Attempt to eat your computer mouse. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard, and taking it. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have a ball. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing. Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) Stare at your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell, "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. Come into the computer lab wearing several extra-stinky species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily exclaim, "You're such a marvel!" and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, the computer assistant, and then walk out. Run into the computer lab, shout, "The Apocalypse is here!" then calmly sit down and begin to type. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev 'er up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week." Two words: Tesla Coil.

Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.

DEPT OF STATISTICS: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELIGION: Grade is determined by God. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Grades are variable. DEPT OF LOGIC: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: Random number generator determines grade. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: Everybody gets an A.

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven. “Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself. “The be feathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of Woman? “God says, “Ah, yes. “Well,” says Davidson, “You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There’s too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters at high speeds. 3. The rear end wobbles too much, and 4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. “Hmmm… ” replies God, “hold on. “God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. “It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, “but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours! “

Jesus and Satan Computer Contest Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.” So, Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away. They moused. They clicked, they copied and they pasted. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They uploaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They searched on Google. They made YouTube videos. They bookmarked. They wrote HTML to make a website. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!” Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?” God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”

Two priests recently passed away and were on their way to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St.Peter said, "I'm sorry but our computer is down and you can't come in for a week. So I am going to give you both one "free" week back on earth to do anything you want to do and nothing will be held against you." "You mean we can do what ever we want, and still get into heaven?" "Yes," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the first priest, "I want to soar over the mountains like an eagle." "That's easy enough," said St. Peter. "Off you go!" The second priest asked, "Are you sure that whatever I do will not hinder my chances of getting into heaven?" "That's right," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the second priest, "I want to go back as a stud." "A stud?" asked St. Peter. "Yes," said the second priest. "Okay, I'll see you in a week." Finally, the week ended and the computer was repaired. God asked to St. Peter, "Did you get the two priests back so they can join us here?" "Well," said St. Peter. "I got the first priest back; he was soaring over the Rocky Mountains like an eagle. I'm having a bit of a problem locating the second priest; he's somewhere in North Dakota on a snow tire."

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

You look over at your cubicle mate, and they have that wallpaper on their computer. It says 'God has a plan for all of us.' And I'm like, 'Well, that's sweet, but if God's plan for me is to work in data entry, I want to see what the devil has on the table.'

I found thousands of pictures of men sucking cocks on my son’s computer under the file name ‘homework’. I’d like to see how his teacher is going to explain this at parents evening.

O ne year at  Halloween, the governor of Illinois was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were. When one couple arrived, he announced, “Mickey and Minnie Mouse”. As the next couple arrived he announced “Tarzan and Jane”, and so on as each guest arrived. Later in the evening, a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants, but apart from that totally naked from head to toe. “Who do you think you are?” demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local University Computer Science department, the doorman asked “How shall I announce you?” The man said, “I’m premature ejaculation.” “I’m very sorry sir,” said the doorman in obvious shock, “I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering.” “Okay.” said the professor. “Just say I came in my pants.”

As the inventor of the computer mouse has died I can just imagine how his funeral will be. Drag and drop.

The inventor of the mouse has died. What vision, to know we’d need one hand free on the computer.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Yo mama's so technologically unsavvy, she leaves out pieces of cheese next to the computer!

*If someone types this on the internet* Bully: I will kick your ass You: You're behind a computer screen acting tough. That seems legit.

I stopped buying makeup when I wandered into a department store recently and noticed that the makeup sales ladies are starting to dress like research scientists. They're back there with slide rules and computerized skin charts. And you know they probably didn't finish high school, but they're wearing lab coats.

You have to admit that the ingenuity and inventiveness of the human race is nothing short of astounding. Look how far we have come. At one time early humans were nomads just walking around naked. Then they invented clothes and learned to build dens in which to live. Then we discovered the wheel and learned how to make tools. Then came farming and organised civilisations. Eventually we had the industrial revolution and machinery. Then we learned to fly and invented TV and radio. Then computers that were quicker than any human brain. Then came the invention of the internet, the super highway of information that enables people all over the world to sit and watch other people er… walking around naked.

The computer swallowed Grandma Yes, honestly it’s true She pressed control and enter And disappeared from view It devoured her completely The thought just makes me squirm She must of caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm I’ve searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind I’ve even used the internet But nothing did I find In desperation I asked Jeeves My searches to refine The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found online So if inside your inbox My Grandma you should see Please copy, scan and paste her And send her back to me

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. … … The husband arrogantly types, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing… … On the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”

Why did the Irishman give up internet shopping? The trolley kept falling off the computer.

It's very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was really hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer. Damn, everybody uses 'miscellaneous.'

When I was in grade school I was into chess club, Latin club, D&D, computer camp -- everything that made vaginas go away.

What do you call a gay asian? Chu Mai Wang What is the point of jewish football? To get the quarterback. What do you call an asian guy wearing ancient armor? A chink in the armor. Where do jewish kids with ADD go? Concentration camps. How do you know if a black person has been on your computer? It’s gone. Why did the black kid fail night school? The teacher kept marking him absent. Why aren’t there any Walmarts in Afghanistan? There’s a Target on every corner. What do asian men do when they have erections? They vote.

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.” “Not bad,” the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.” “That’s nothing said the third paramedic. “Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”

An artist, a lawyer, and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy. The programmer says, ‘It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!’

My wife was browsing in my computer when she suddenly stumbled upon something. “What is this?” She asked. “There’s a movie file here- Star Wars XXX.” “Believe me honey,” I said ” I was just as surprised as you were when I found out they made 30 of them.”

A man who is just married is flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride is to accompany him the next day. When he gets there, he e-mails his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sends the e-mail, he mistypes the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the e-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18 year old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on, with a message that reads, "Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

How do you know when an Asian has been in your house? Your computer is updated, your math homework is finished, there's a Vietnamese whore in your bathtub with a violin up her ass (thanks to a horny Chen Li), a dog in your microwave, and the bastard is still trying to pull out of your driveway!

Why computers seem female: -- No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. -- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. -- The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." -- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. -- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories. Why computers seem male: -- They have a lot of data but are still clueless. -- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they are the problem. -- As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. -- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. -- Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.