Jokes

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human house trained in no time. CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive. COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops. FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair. MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior. TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine. Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

Q: Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain? A: Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!!!!

You know it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with your computer when…. You wake up at 3 o’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and you stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You move into a new house and you decide to Netscape before you landscape. Your family always knows where you are.

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when.... 1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed. 2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems. 5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail. 6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer. 8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed. 9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask. 10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape. 11. Your family always knows where you are. 12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL". 13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice women, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find one who's just like your dear ol' Mother?" Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again. "So Ron. Did you find the perfect woman yet? One that's just like your Mother?" Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends." "Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?" "I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"

Question What is love and explain in details ? (16 Marks) Arts Student: Answer: Love is life. (Marks : 5 out of 16) Law Student: Answer : Love is pain. (Marks : 5 out of 16) Medical Student: Answer : Love is god. (Marks : 5 out of 16) EngineeringStudent: Answer : - Definition: A serious disorder of heart due to relationship between men & women that can cause death of 1 or both depending on the resistance associated. - TYPES: 1 sided & 2 sided - AGE: Usually occurs in teenagers but nowadays can be found in any age. - SYMPTOMS: Tension Daydreaming Insomnia Phone Addiction - DIAGNOSIS BY: Diary Photos Mobile - TREATMENT: Anti-LOVE therapy by Father's Shoe or Mother's Sandal. (marks 16 out of 16 ) - Excellent! ______________________ NOTE :- Don't ask engineering students, they can stretch any thing for 16 marks!

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom

My sister has been divorced 3 times and is in a new relationship, so her attorney gave her a reward card. The next divorce is on the house.

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts." "He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

At a BBQ a couple was chatting with some guests when the marriage counseling topic came up. The wife very pompous commented; “Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have an excellent relationship.” “My husband was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I am listening.”

A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling. They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage. After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.” The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”

Relationships are a lot like algebra... Have you ever looked at your 'X' and wondered 'Y'?

My relationship with my chauffeur just isn't going anywhere... It feels like he's always trying to drive me away.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

I made a graph of all my past relationships... It has an "ex" axis and a "why" axis.

Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don't work out.

My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship. I suggested she should embrace her mistakes. She then hugged me.

Two girlfriends were talking to each other about relationships. "I put an ad in one of those singles websites looking for a boyfriend." "What kind of guy did you say you were looking for?" "I wanted an ambitious guy who likes to dig in to get the job done and is really down to earth. I think I found him." "So what does he do?" "He's a grave digger."

Ms. Frayed-end and Mr. Knot were having an argument about their relationship. Ms. Frayed-end: "Why don't you ever call me anymore?" Mr. Knot: "That goes both ways. You never call me either!" Ms. Frayed-end: "We're not supposed to do the calling. You are!" Mr. Knot: "Sez who? This is ridiculous. You get me so mad I'm fit to be tied!" Ms. Frayed-end: "Oh yeah? Well I'm at the end of my rope!"

When Mr. Ed retired from television, he got a job as a telephone psychic. Mary was having relationship problems, called in, and got advice from the old stallion. Arriving home, she confronted her husband, accusing him of having an affair. "Where in the world did you get that idea?" he asked. "I got it from the horse's mouth!"

Why do these 2 relationships differ so much: the orbital relationship between the earth and sun and that of a tether ball and it's pole?....... .......that of the sun and earth is a no strings attatched relationship and the other is not!

A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mails. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus. "It’s a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said. "What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let’s Just Be Friends virus?"

One woman to another at a singles bar: “I’m not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, 'Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?'”

Relationship status: Autocorrect changes my girl to my grill.

Relationship Status: I'm a Rubik's Cube. Now try and figure me out.

Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.

Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.

I would never cheat in a relationship, because that would require two people to find me attractive.

The Missing Gravy Ladle … …. John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. … …. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. …. …. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Julie said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.” Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”

Question : What is love and explain in details ?.........(40 marks) USA's Student....... Answer: Love is life. (marks : 10 from 40) UK's Student...... Answer : Love is pain. (marks : 10 from 40) Indian Student........Answer : . Definition: A serious disorder of heart due to relationship between men & women that can cause death of 1 or both depending on the resistance associated - TYPES: 1 sided & 2 sided - AGE: Usually occurs in teenages but nowdays can be found in any age - SYMPTOMS: Tension Daydreaming Insomnia Phone Addiction - DIAGNOSIS BY: Diary Photos Mobile -TREATMENT: Anti-LOVE therapy by Father's Shoe or Mother's Sandal...... (marks 40 from 40) Excellent !