Jokes

Son: Dad, why aren’t elephants allowed on the beach? Dad: Because they won’t keep their trunks up!

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom... Grandpop... am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bear replies, "Because I'm FREEEEEZING!"

A family of skunks went for their morning walk. They came to a fork in the road. The daddy skunk said, "My instinct tells me to take the left fork." The momma skunk said, "My instinct tells me to take the right fork." The baby skunk pondered a moment and said, "My end stinks too but I still don't know which road to take!"

The Stork family sits down to dinner. The momma stork asks the daddy stork, "So how was your day dear?" "Well", he replied, "I flew North and South all day, making people happy. And how was your day?" She answers, "Pretty much the same. I flew East and West making families happy." They both turn to junior Stork, "And how was your day?", they asked. Junior Stork tells them, "I had a blast! I flew all over, scaring the heck out of college students!"

When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father. "How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked. Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked—the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

Mama bear, papa bear, and baby bear were having a great time chasing vacationers in a car as they were visiting Yellowstone National Park. "Daddy?" "Yes, Baby Bear?" "I think we could be doing a better job of scaring these vacationers." "But Baby Bear," Mama Bear injected. "What more can we do?" "Maybe we'd have more of an effect on them if we got out of this car and started chasing them on all fours!"

Patrons at the zoo were astonished to see an old man jump over the bars of the lion's cage. Seemingly oblivious to the danger, he walked among the fierce creatures holding the latest bestselling book in his hands, intently perusing its contents. The spectators were beside themselves. "What in the world is he doing?" shouted one. "Is he crazy? He's going to get killed!" yelled another. "Don't worry about him," replied the man's son. "That's just my dad. He likes to read between the lions."

I took my seven year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two birds. The Momma bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Am I a polar bear? One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear." Why do you ask? I’m Freezing!! replied the his son

A man and his son were walking down the street. The boy saw a dog walking and sniffing at the ground. What makes the dog sniff at the ground dad? That is INSTINCT son. A bit later his dad saw a dog sniffing another dog. Do you know why he's doing that son? I do dad, like you said before that’s END-STINK.

A young polar bear asks his father, "Dad, am I 100% Polar Bear" The father bear responds, "Well, son, I am all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your grandparents, even your great grandparents are 100% polar bear. So yes, son, you are 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?" The young polar bear replies "Because I am really cold!"

A kid centipede comes running to his house, and knocks on the door and says, "Dad open up, a chicken is chasing me!!!" The dad centipede says, “Hold up, let me put my shoes on first!"

“Mommy,” said the baby polar bear, “am I one hundred percent pure polar bear?” “Of course you are, son,” said his Daddy, “Why do you ask?” “’Cause I’m f-f-f-freezing!”

Dad: "Say daddy!" Baby: "Mommy!" Dad: "Come on, say daddy!" Baby: "Mommy!" Dad: "Darn it, say daddy!" Baby: "Darn it, Mommy!" [Mom comes home and joins the conversation.] Mom: "Honey, I'm home!" Baby: "Darn it!" Mom: "Who taught you that?" Baby: "Daddy!" Dad: ...

A gold-digger had died and all her worldly possessions, including a parrot, were being auctioned off. "What am I offered for this beautiful bird?" "One bean," bid a bystander. "Two bucks," roared another. "Make it five, Daddy," croaked the parrot, "and I'll give you a kiss."

Once, in a bar, one guy leaned over and said to the guy sitting next to him, "I slept with your mom last night." The whole bar turned to see what would happen next. After a while, the guy laughs and says, "Let's go home, Dad, you are drunk."

The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried. "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

College student: "Hey, Dad -- I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?" Father: "I certainly do." College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"

While away from home in college I wrote a letter to my dad. It said: "No mun, no fun, your loving son." He wrote back saying: "Too bad, so sad, your loving dad."

One day a college student comes home for spring break, and he and his dad start a conversation. "So how are your classes?" Asks the father. "Good." "How is the football team playing this year?" "Okay." "Making new friends?" "Some." "What are you thinking of majoring in?" "Communications."

“So, thundered Greg’s furious father, “you have been expelled from college, have you?” “Yes, Dad. I am a fugitive from a brain gang.”

A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son. The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

Little Mary's father was typing away at his home computer, when she sneaked up behind him. Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it?" her sister asked eagerly. Proudly Little Mary replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Mom had just returned from shopping and was surveying the ghastly scene in the den. The family computer had been totally smashed into a dozen pieces. "What happened to the PC?" she asked of her 14 year old son. "That was dad's doing," he replied. "As usual he couldn't get it to do what he wanted. I told him to reboot it. That's exactly what he did."

"An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That's not a moron, that's genius!" Jay Leno

On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change. The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse. Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”

It was a typical noisy dinner at my parents’s home, and Dad was having trouble following the conversations. He kept jumping in with off-topic comments and asking for things to be repeated. I finally told him he needed to get a hearing aid. Looking at me as if I was crazy, he said, “What would I do with a hand grenade?”

My dad's last words before he kicked the bucket was... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"