Teacher Jokes

This little boy was walking to school when he found a frog. He picked the frog up and went to school. When he got to school, he sat the frog up on his desk and his teacher freaked out. "What is that?????” she asked him. "It's a deaf frog, Ma'am", answered the little boy. "What, what, what??? How do you know it is a deaf frog???” screamed the teacher. "I pissed in his ear and he didn't move", said the boy truthfully. "What, what, what, what do you mean you pissed in his ear and he didn't move????” she asked in an outrage. "Just like I said, I leaned over, I went PSSSSTTTT, in his ear and he didn't move!"

Tequila is an excellent teacher... Just last night it taught me to count... One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied. By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" "I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

Once two star football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. So, after much begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in. The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests. The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. "Why?" the coach asked. The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read "I don't know." The coach said that it did not prove anything. The teacher handed him the second test. The answer read "I don't know either."

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience. (I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.) The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important. (I don't understand the details either.) The test scores were generally good. (Some of you managed a 'C'.) Some of you could have done better. (Everyone failed.) It's been very rewarding to teach this class. (I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

The teacher was describing the dolphin and its habits. "And, children, "she said impressively, "a single dolphin will have two thousand offspring." "Goodness!" gasped a little girl in the back row. "And how about married ones?"

Teacher: What do you all aspire to become? Student 1: A Doctor! Student 2: An Engineer! Student 3: A Lawyer! Student 4: I just want to watch and see whether they'll become what they say they'll become."

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon. Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut. Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class. Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher." Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually. Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are. Senior: Has own personal workstation. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe. Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year. Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year. Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm. Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm. Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night. Senior: Calls Domino's every other night. Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors. Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer. Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions. Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night. Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus. Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house. Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society. Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room. Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class. Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class.

Teachers Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20. Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant. As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?" The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s 'Teacher Man'. “I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,” I complained. “He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.” My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn’t until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained—I had set the iPod to Shuffle mode.

In the high school computer class the teacher asked, "So what is malware?" From the back of the room Donna stood up and replied, "Briefs and Boxers!"

How is an optometrist like a good teacher? They both make pupils grow!