Jokes

This little boy was walking to school when he found a frog. He picked the frog up and went to school. When he got to school, he sat the frog up on his desk and his teacher freaked out. "What is that?????” she asked him. "It's a deaf frog, Ma'am", answered the little boy. "What, what, what??? How do you know it is a deaf frog???” screamed the teacher. "I pissed in his ear and he didn't move", said the boy truthfully. "What, what, what, what do you mean you pissed in his ear and he didn't move????” she asked in an outrage. "Just like I said, I leaned over, I went PSSSSTTTT, in his ear and he didn't move!"

Tequila is an excellent teacher... Just last night it taught me to count... One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied. By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" "I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

Once two star football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. So, after much begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in. The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests. The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. "Why?" the coach asked. The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read "I don't know." The coach said that it did not prove anything. The teacher handed him the second test. The answer read "I don't know either."

Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience. (I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.) The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important. (I don't understand the details either.) The test scores were generally good. (Some of you managed a 'C'.) Some of you could have done better. (Everyone failed.) It's been very rewarding to teach this class. (I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)

The teacher was describing the dolphin and its habits. "And, children, "she said impressively, "a single dolphin will have two thousand offspring." "Goodness!" gasped a little girl in the back row. "And how about married ones?"

Teacher: What do you all aspire to become? Student 1: A Doctor! Student 2: An Engineer! Student 3: A Lawyer! Student 4: I just want to watch and see whether they'll become what they say they'll become."

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon. Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut. Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class. Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher." Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually. Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are. Senior: Has own personal workstation. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe. Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year. Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year. Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm. Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm. Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night. Senior: Calls Domino's every other night. Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors. Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer. Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions. Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night. Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus. Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house. Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society. Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room. Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class. Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class.

Teachers Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20. Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant. As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?" The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s 'Teacher Man'. “I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,” I complained. “He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.” My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn’t until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained—I had set the iPod to Shuffle mode.

In the high school computer class the teacher asked, "So what is malware?" From the back of the room Donna stood up and replied, "Briefs and Boxers!"

How is an optometrist like a good teacher? They both make pupils grow!

Teacher: Did you hear about the actress who attacked her husband? Student: No, who was it? Teacher: Reese... Student: Witherspoon? Teacher: No, with her knife!

My high school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription, “BE MINE.” The following day, I received a return valentine from the teacher. It read, “Thank you, but it’s still a BE MINE-US.”

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train." Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

During a lesson about adjectives, my friend, an elementary school teacher, asked her class to describe their mothers. One boy described his mother’s hair as auburn. Impressed by his sophisticated word choice, my friend asked, “How do you know her hair color is auburn?” Her student replied, “Because that’s what it says on the box.”

Little Jenny: Hi Mommy, where is Daddy? Mother: He's lying on the couch and has been watching baseball all day. Why do you ask? Little Jenny: I wanted to tell him what we learned in school today. Mother: Oh yeah sweetie, and what was that? Little Jenny: Well, the teacher taught us that the human body has 270 bones at birth and 206 by adulthood. Mother: Wow Jenny! I did not know that, but I'm afraid that your teacher is incorrect when it comes to your Father though. Little Jenny: Really Mommy, why is that? Mother: Because he has an extra one, for a total of 207. It's named the Lazy-bone.

The teacher asks Suzy where her nose is, and Suzy points to it. Next, she asks Freddy where his ears are, and he points to them. Then she asked little johnny where his heart is, johnny points to his behind, The teacher said, "No, that is not right. Let's try again. Where is your heart?" Again, Johnny points to his behind and explains, "Every time my grandma comes over she give me a hug, pats my behind, and says 'Bless your heart.'"

Teacher: "Complete the following sentence, 'Early to bed and early to rise...'" Student: "... This Man has neither WiFi nor Wife!"

I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger and stuffed it. Then I sat it on the couch to see how it looked. Later that evening my son walked in the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it’s not that bad, is it?"

"Why are you home? I thought you were going to the school dance after school?" "I did attend but I don't know how to dance. Mr. Greeley, my math teacher gave me some advice. He said it’s easy to dance just put one foot in front of the other. So I did... and next I know I wound up here!"

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well, Honey..." said the boy's mom, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too," chimed in the dad. "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Have you finished your chores? I had to stay after school and talk to my teacher. Once again, have you finished your chores? My teacher said I have selective hearing. Please don’t change the subject, did you take out the trash like I asked? Oh, I thought you said Billy had to take it out this week.

One day teacher asked Sam if his father helped him with his homework. Sam simply said - “No, he did it all by himself”!

The little boy was so excited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother. He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, “I’m getting a brother.” One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby’s kicks in her belly. The next day he came to school and didn’t say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother. He replied, “I think mommy ate him.”

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A dirty little boy was playing at the playground and walked up to his mother and asked, "Who am I?" The mother replied, "I don't know! Who are you?" the little boy said excitedly, "WOW! My teacher was right. She said that I was so dirty that even my own mother wouldn't recognize me."

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home. The father said, "Let's see what you have accomplished..." He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. "What do you have to say about this Johnny?" "Well dad, at least you know I'm not cheating!"